Super formal rehearsal dinner for not-so-formal wedding?

posted 11 months ago in Venue
Post # 16
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

megm1099 :  Eek. Nope, that’s a hard no for me. I would feel so bad that all the in-town guests missed the “real” party as your in-laws are trying to make it. And they’ll probably be talking about it in front of everyone at the wedding. I’d either tell your in laws no thank you or only invite immediately family and bridal party.

 

Post # 17
Member
1505 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Yeah no. That is weird. I wouldn’t attend that rehearsal dinner.

Wouldn’t even bother trying to change the venue or guest list and have them saying I’m trying to dictate god they spend their money. No, they can spend their money however they want but I don’t have to put my seal of approval on it with my attendance. Let them have their rehearsal dinner without the bride (and groom) lol. 

Post # 18
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

camenae :  I love this idea. Just don’t go!!

Post # 19
Member
3271 posts
Sugar bee

I would just change the formality of it. There is no need for a rehearsal dinner to be black tie. I would be annoyed as a guest.

Post # 22
Member
2924 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

megm1099 :  With all due respect, you do NOT need to invite 300 guests to your wedding.  Since it sounds like your parents are paying for all of the wedding anyway, why don’t you just make it smaller and more upscale so that you don’t feel like it’s competing with the rehearsal dinner?

I’ve read many of your other posts and it sounds like you have some problems with your Future In-Laws, mainly living near them and not your family.  If you go complaining to them now that you don’t want this rehearsal dinner at the castle, you’re going to come across as ungrateful and trust me, it will drive a wedge between you.  Is it “fair” that they can afford an expensive RD?  Doesn’t matter.  Life isn’t fair.  Maybe they are trying to show off and one up your family.  If you accept their generosity you kind of have to go with the flow, unless you nip it in the bud and make everything smaller.

It’s also super weird that your guests would not only need to bring something to wear to the wedding, but now have to get something black tie to accomondate the theme of the rehearsal dinner.  That would get a hard pass from me.  I mean it would be nice if they took your tastes into consideration, but if you’re not paying for any of it, I guess they can do whatever the heck they want.  I as a guest though would definitely give them a side eye.

Post # 24
Member
2924 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

megm1099 :  Well, while it would have been nice if your Future In-Laws could have contributed to the wedding itself, bottom line is they aren’t.  And you let them invite 160 people, or whatever the number was.  So again, if they’re paying for it, they get a say….all the say since it sounds like you’re not contributing at all to the Rehearsal Dinner.

Money comes with strings attached.  While it would be fabulous if it didn’t, that’s clearly not the case here.  You could try to talk to them and say you guys were just hoping for something a bit less formal (not comparing it to the wedding) but don’t be surprised if you get push back, and that’s where you have to pick your battles.  If they want to blow that kind of cash, there’s really not much you can do.

Post # 25
Member
355 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

Your plan sounds good, and especially requesting no black tie seems super reasonable, they should feel awkward about forcing that on you.

But even if they keep being unreasonable about it, please don’t worry because this doesn’t reflect on you at all. The “rehearsal shouldn’t overshadow the wedding” is a guideline FOR THEM, not for you, and if they break it then they just look petty and ridiculous, and you look sweet and innocent.

I would definitely not start drama over this, boycott it etc – that’d make you the unreasonable one.

(Our rehearsal dinner was at a pricey restaurant and our wedding was in our backyard with tacos and bbq, but it didn’t come anywhere close to overshadowing. It’s pretty hard to overshadow an actual wedding – takes more than a crystal fountain and overbearing dress code!)

Post # 27
Member
4910 posts
Honey bee

Yea…no I wouldn’t be ok with this at all. I’d say no black tie rehearsal please. If they refuse I’d host ONLY the closest at a sit down restaurant or order pizza (yes really) instead. The in laws are going to feign ignorance but they’re trying to overshadow the actual wedding. And even if they’re not, it looks like it. So thats a big fat NO either way. 

Post # 28
Member
355 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

megm1099 :  Yup, same! Our wedding was “us”, and I actually picked the rehearsal venue as well, I was a little concerned about overshadowing but I shouldn’t have worried because it didn’t feel that way at all when it actually happened. There’s just something about having seen two people get married that changes the whole vibe of a party.

I hope you get them to change the venue though – sounds like you have good reasons lined up!

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