(Closed) Super long engagement rant

posted 5 years ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
3437 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course

There is no limit on engagements thats entirely up to each couple. 1 year, 2 years, 5 or more it doesn’t matter. In the end as long as you’re married thats what counts.

I’m far more concerned that you’re with someone who quit his job after you recently acquired a mortgage without a second job lined up simply bc he didn’t like it. Thats just….stupid to be blatantly honest. And incredibly inconsiderate since most of the bills are now on you.

 

Post # 3
Member
9874 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

I don’t think there’s an expiration date. It depends on the couple and your relationship though and how committed you are to each other and whether you think you will be able to get through the super long engagement. Sending internet hugs bee! 

Fiance and I have been engaged now for over four and a half years. We had a bit of a rough time early on (I got diagnosed with mental illnesses shortly after we got engaged and then another one a year later) and both still live at home. We won’t get married until we are living out of home, though we may start booking as soon as we have a definite move out date. 

We are still going strong. I think it is important that we are on the same page regarding engagement length and steps that need to be taken before getting married.

It will be ok OP. Although I do agree with PPs the money stress right now is concerning, particularly the mortgage.

Post # 4
Member
1452 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Yeah. A lot of people have bosses that treat them like shit but guess what they do? They suck it up and grin and bear it when they have responsibilities.  You SHOULD inwardly give this guy an expiration date in case he turns from temporary loser to long-term loser. 

Post # 5
Member
6286 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

The way he dealt with his employment situation would make me seriously consider setting him to “expired”.  Every other person has complaints about the job, boss, coworkers, pay…but a responsible and well adjusted individual will make calculated decisions, exercise patience, and include his partner in the decision process, when those decisions have an impact on the partner’s life.

Post # 6
Member
888 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

View original reply
camenae :  Yep. My last job made me so miserable that I dreaded going every day. I serisouly felt like it was killing my soul when I worked there. Sometimes I’d even cry on my way there and on my way home. I literally had nightmares about that job.

But I stuck it out until I found a different job, because I’m an adult, and I wasn’t going to screw over my husband by cutting our combined income in half.

Post # 7
Member
2317 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Ya I don’t think the length of engagement is really the issue here…

Post # 8
Member
435 posts
Helper bee

Him quitting his job without something else lined up would be a big deal to me. I don’t think long engagements are a big deal in the right circumstances but this does not seem to me the right circumstances. My fiance does not like his job but he isn’t just quitting and his boss does treat him like shit. He is actively trying to find a better job beforehand. 

Post # 9
Member
1452 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

View original reply
ladycirtolthiel :  You and me both! My current job is nigh-on perfect, but before it I had a job where the boss was great, but the job itself actually made me happy to be stuck in traffic in the mornings because it delayed me getting there.  I also stuck it out until I found another job.  

I don’t think I would’ve been able to find a job as good as the one I have now if I had quit first, because employers strongly prefer to hire those who are already employed. 

View original reply
brikachu :  0% down is a bad idea. You should save until you have at least 10% down payment.  If you can’t then house ownership is just something you can’t afford right now. People who had no down payment are “subprime” and pay the highest interest rate and mortgage insurance.  They are also 20 times more likely than those who have a down payment to lose their house to foreclosure.  You would have been making much higher payments all those years and then have all those go down the drain.  

Post # 12
Member
8011 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I would love to quit my job and read a book, bake bread, have time to work out. Or even just find a job that wasn’t so stressful (and likely wouldn’t pay nearly as well.) But I have too many responsibilities to even consider it. 

I agree with PPs stating engagement length isn’t the issue here. Did your Fiance talk to you about this decision before he quit his job? Are you making decisions together, as a couple, or is he doing what he wants and leaving you to pick up the pieces and figure out how to make things work out?

Sorry, Bee, you’re not describing someone who is ready for marriage. Maybe a long engagement isn’t such a bad idea. 

Post # 13
Member
1348 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2017 - The Lodge at Little Seneca Creek

I’m sorry you’re in this situation. 🙁 I don’t think there’s really an expiration date, but I remember one of my friends telling me that research suggests 7+ year engagements often end before the wedding. I had been engaged for 5 years when he told me this, and I didn’t believe him at all because I thought our love was stronger than that, and we were (like you) still saving up money. Fast forward a year and a half later (approaching 7 years of being engaged), he cheated on me, I thought long and hard about what I wanted my future to look like and whether I could forgive him, and I decided to break up with him. I’m not saying your situation will be the same, but I’d definitely think about if you want your future to be like your current situation before starting to plan a wedding.

Post # 14
Member
71 posts
Worker bee

Hey – this is a great post because it seems long engagements are increasing in popularity but are still rejected socially.

My boyfriend and I (whom are not engaged) are both in our late twenties. When we get engaged (perhaps early next spring), we plan on having a full two year or two year and 6 month engagement so we can move into a house upon marriage. We rent right now. At this point we will both be in our thirties but we feel like just waiting to save for an ultra-large down payment works for us; we are in Boston so the prices here are ridiculous. 

Also, this is just my opinion, but perhaps set-a-date. Even if it is 3-4 years from now. There is no expiration date for an engagement but the setting of date might help calm noisy family members. 

Post # 15
Member
749 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

View original reply
brikachu :  So, I might be echoing PPs on this (haven’t read all the replies so I’m sorry if this is redundant), buttttt I wouldn’t give a shit about a wedding if I was engaged to someone who couldn’t even consult me before quitting their job and leaving me with all the bills and responsibility.

If he’s not happy at work, then he needs to address that issue WITH YOU so you two can make an exit strategy together. 

Right now a wedding needs to take the backburner and you need to focus on communicating as a couple. If you can’t do that, then it won’t matter when or if you get married because you will not be succesful long term. Sorry. I’d be so livid too. 

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