(Closed) Super long engagement rant

posted 5 years ago in Engagement
Post # 16
Member
982 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

I don’t think there’s an “expiration date,” but I personally do not want a long engagement in which we aren’t saving for and planning the wedding. I feel like it wouldn’t mean as much to me to be engaged if there wasn’t a date set and/or active plans being made for the wedding. I just feel like the point of being engaged is to get married, so to be engaged without any idea of WHEN you’re getting married, and no saving towards the wedding or planning for the wedding, it just doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. That is obviously not accounting for things that come up that push the wedding back, life happens and you have to adjust. But I would not want to enter an engagement knowing that the wedding is still a vague thing sometime in the future, which is why my SO and I agreed to get engaged after he buys his house because it’s too much to buy a house and plan/save for a wedding at the same time (and besides, we’ve only been together a year so no rush really).

I don’t think your long engagement is the real issue here, though. Yes, in your situation I probably wouldn’t have wanted to get engaged knowing that it would be a long engagement and we still had to buy a house together before even planning the wedding, but that’s irrelevant beause it’s already happened and it’s not even the big issue. The issue that I see is that your Fiance is incredibly irresponsible. Quitting your job a month after buying a house is SO irresponsible. Not just that, it’s incredibly disrespectful to you because now you are the one who has to take care of everything. If your Fiance doesn’t get his act together fast, I would probably reevaluate the relationship.

Post # 17
Member
10306 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Is the house in his name, your name or joint name?

But yeah, homeboy needs to get a job before you guys worry at all about a wedding. He also needs to understand that when you live with someone and are in a partnership you consult them before making decisions like quitting your job.

Post # 18
Member
4259 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2016 - Manhattan, NY

View original reply
brikachu :  Unfortunately, your fiance made a selfish and irresponsible decision by leaving his job without having something lined up without discussing it with you. I wouldn’t be worried about trying to plan a wedding – I’d be more concerned about improving communication and making sure that you two are on the same page. You two should be working as a team now, and as a team, big decisions impact you both and need to be discussed and agreed upon. 

Plenty of people have long engagements, or just have an affordable courthouse wedding and small reception then have a vow renewal and larger party later on when the funds are available. There’s no wrong way to do it, but I’m more concerned about you two being on the same page.

Post # 19
Member
99 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I’m sorry, this must be tough on you. I agree that your Fiance should not have quit his job without consulting you first. I get it that you aren’t married yet, but it sounds like you’re already a partnership as home owners and fiances. He should be thinking about your joint life together, and not just his. Unfortunately, you don’t get to make selfish decisions in a marriage.

I was deeply unhappy at my last place of work but as the main breadwinner for me and Fiance, I didn’t even consider it as an option to quit (though I was tempted to every day). I sympathize with your Fiance, but if he’s made a commitment to you, he has to include you in his decision-making process.

There’s nothing wrong with a long engagement though. Take your time to make sure your relationship is as strong as it can be, and to get your finances in order. If you are set on having a ‘nice’ wedding, then it’ll be worth the extra 2 or 3 years of waiting. Or, just have a simple courthouse wedding now and do a more elaborate vow renewal when you can afford to 🙂

 

Post # 20
Member
1002 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

you shouldn’t get married until you’re not only both financially secure, but also on the same page regarding your futures and why you cant just quit jobs

you should also maybe wait until you make smarter decisions… because frankly a 0% down payment is a terrible idea and you would have been better off renting…

I think a long engagement is a good thing for you two, it gives you a chance to really talk about this stuff and get a better idea of how you will work as a team, there’s nothing wrong with a long engagement AT ALL but you can’t expect people to happily ask you questions about your engagement when there’s no actual wedding looming…

I mean, you’re engaged, people were happy for you and they will get excited again once the wedding get’s closer but they can’t maintain that “yay engaged” excitement. nothing wrong with that! enjoy your friend’s wedding and then sit down with your Fiance and start tackling becoming an “US” before you set a date. A ring and a house do not a happy marriage make if you’re not working as a team

Post # 22
Member
1002 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

View original reply
brikachu :  where the heck do you live!!!! lol I ask that out of genuine interest because if I had a 0% DP I would be paying a 20% insurance fee on TOP of my interest on the mortgage. It would essentially be a death sentence. 

If it worked out to be cheaper that makes sense and I apologize for being judgemental, but those numbers are staggering and unbelievable to me.

 

I still think a long engagement to make sure you two are working effectively as a team before you start planning I Dos is a blessing in disguise! There is no expiration date on an engagement.

The topic ‘Super long engagement rant’ is closed to new replies.

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