(Closed) (super long) Found out about more lies today… don’t know what to do.

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
962 posts
Busy bee

First, I  am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like he has real issues telling the truth. Most people tell white lies occassionally, but it sounds like this man is a chronic liar who needs help. I would be very, very hesitant to marry this man. He needs help. HUGS

Post # 4
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

In My Humble Opinion, no trust= no wedding. I understand that guys feel pressure to deliver a great ring sometimes when they can’t afford it, but this is bordering on pathological. Really detailed, in depth lies. Red flags there.

I have to add something here though. And this in NO way excuses his lies. But from the post, it does seem like you tend to be very critical of him (about his weight, about his grades). If you have certain expectations that he can’t meet, that could be part of the source of his lies because he doesn’t want to disappoint you. Again, lying is no good. But it’s also not good to be pressuring your partner to not eat fast food because you’re afraid he’ll gain weight, or keep on top of his grades like that. Even kind of badgering him about the proposal not being right, it can add a lot of pressure.

It sounds like you both have your issues to work on here. But he needs to be with you from an honest place at all times if he’s going to be with you, no question.

Post # 5
Member
39 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I’m so sorry to hear about your story. After all this time on earth (30 years) I’ve finally learnt that as women we really should trust our instincts. Go with your gut feeling and don’t ever look back.

Good luck, *hugs* as well

 

Post # 6
Member
2086 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012 - Pippin Hill Farm & Vineyards

He lies about little things (where he went for lunch) and he lies about big things.  You probably know that these are big red flags. 

I work with college students and while there are some that can juggle their academic responsiblities and jumping into all the other things that come with adulthood, I honestly think this guy can handle it.

 

 

Post # 7
Member
2107 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@jackndiane: This exactly.  I would be very concerned about the amount of lies that he has already told you and admitted to.  It’s actually quite frightening.  You are NOT making a mountain out of a molehill.  He didn’t trust you enough to come clean about the ring right from the start, and he’s lied about other things.  How could you possibly rebuild your own trust in him after this? 

Post # 8
Member
358 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I’m so sorry you are going through this. The biggest red flag is how elaborate and detailed the lies were. His lies weren’t just about the ring either, it was about anything he felt convenient. Maybe counseling would help. I don’t know though. It just makes me wonder what else he has lied about. I’m sorry.

Post # 9
Member
1314 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I don’t know if you will listen to any advice because it is your heart and your life, but for what it is worth…RUN! I have a cousin like this. I love him to death, but if he wasn’t my family I would have nothing to do with him. He lies about any and everything. He lies when the truth will do. That is a sick individual who does that. Lying is never ok, but lying to get out of big trouble is almost, almost understandable. My cousin doesn’t lie to get out of trouble. He lies for no reason!!! He told me a lie about owning a cd! A CD!!! He claimed he found a placed that released cd’s early before the record label released them. Obviously, this was many years ago before you could get them on the web. Anyway, when I asked for the cd, he kept “forgetting” it at home, or he already loaned it to another friend. Lie, after lie, after lie! Finally, I tell him to just tell me the store where he got it so I could buy the cd myself. He told me that the store burned down! I’m not kidding.

Anyway, I shared that to say that you cannot marry this man. He is a pathological liar, and he will make your life miserable. My cousin is in the middle of his second divorce at 32 because of his problem. His first wife was my high school friend and she told me that she couldn’t trust anything he said and it made her a wreck! Please avoid that fate. Pathological liars are sick individuals and they likely will never change.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Be strong and do what is best for you. Things may hurt now, but at least you found out before the marriage and went through this for years. Could you imagine having children with this man? What that would put them through? Maybe it will make them liars??? My cousin lies to his 3 children all the time, and it breaks my friend’s heart, and mine. Please listen to your gut, I know that it will lead you in the right direction.

Post # 10
Member
2433 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

If your gut feeling is that you can’t trust his word, I think you have the tough answer you’re looking for. I know that I would have a very hard time building a life with someone who I couldn’t trust was always being honest with me. Good luck to you. 

Perhaps you could offer the option of counseling to see if you could work through the issues with honesty? It sounds like you’re hesistant to completely break off the engagement and go your separate ways – perhaps just delaying wedding planning at this time and seeking outside help could be beneficial?

Post # 11
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I think there are two problems here that need to be addressed: micromanaging and being overly critical of his weight, food, and grades and his lying to avoid disappointing you. Counseling would probably help, but first you have to decide if you can trust him again after the huge lie about the ring. If you decide to try to work it out, I think you should delay the wedding until these issues have been resolved.

Post # 12
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

I have to say, him lying about the food makes me sad because I struggle with my weight, and I have lied about food also.  I think that, although you mean the best for him, that you shouldn’t be so on his case about his weight.  He knows you don’t like it when he lies to you, but (as you’ve found out) he’ll continue to do it, so I’d drop it.  Same with the grades, although you want him to succeed, he probably feels like you are mommying him.  He probably knows the grades are bad and he needs to improve, but he also doesn’t need the added stress and pressure from his fiancee. Unless he’s given up and needs encouragement, I’d let him handle that himself.

About the ring, that is just bad news.  It would have been so easy for him to tell you there was no ring right from the beginning.  That was an odd thing to lie so in depth about because he must have known that unless he could cough up $7000 that he’d have to face the truth someday.

I don’t mean to say it’s your fault, but from your post it seems that maybe you were pressuring him for a “better” ring and more romanitc proposal, even though he already proposed (without the ring), and he didn’t have the heart to tell you he couldn’t afford it. Men usually take a lot of pride in being able to provide for their loved ones economically, so maybe he was feeling ashamed that he didn’t have enough money. From your post you made it clear that you want the tacori, and the romantic proposal, so maybe he wasn’t feeling adequate enough for you.  That, coupled with the grades and weight issues, he was probably feeling like he wasn’t pleasing you in many aspects and that you’d be disappointed in him, so he lied often.  This doesn’t excuse him from lying so much about so many little things, but maybe this could be the reasoning behind it.  Maybe if you come to an agreement where you don’t worry about his eating habits, grades, or any of his personal stuff, and also try to control your reactions (as in, I think you’re leaving out the part in your post where you get mad at him for eating out, getting bad grades, and not happy with the proposal… mad enough that he feels he has to lie to you) and he works on being more honest with you.

Post # 13
Bee
1433 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012 - Historic Lougheed House

It sounds like he has a chronic lying problem.  And that isn’t okay. I mean the lies about food… he can eat where he wants, but why lie about it? It seems strange to me.  But, he may be lying because he knows your reaction will be poor.  He wanted to eat at the other place with his buddies, but told you he got a 6inch low fat sub at Subway. Standard guy stuff, I’d say. Lots of men will lie to their wives about food when their wives have them on a diet. It doesn’t make it okay, but I’m just saying the food lies aren’t that abnormal. 

But the ring lies? Those aren’t good.  Don’t feel stupid for waiting for so long and wanting to believe him.  I’m sure you really had doubts leading up to it, and were questioning if he actually did have it. Why did he lie?  Is it because he didn’t have the cash for any ring? Is it because he didn’t want to get married?  These are questions you need to figure out for yourself, because I have a feeling if you ask him, he’ll just lie again. 

I would really evaluate whether or not you want to go thru this again in your marriage.  Because chronic liars are always going to be chronic liars. 

Post # 14
Member
2950 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

go with your gut.

its very disturbing that he will lie about such small thing and does it so well you believe him. (not knocking you; some ppl are just amazing liars!)

Have you ever seen the show  “Who the bleep did I marry” he totally reminds me of it. Look into it.

I wouldnt marry anyone I couldnt whole heartedly trust.

Post # 15
Member
1317 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I’m so sorry you’re going through this! But I agree with KatyElle. No trust = no wedding. Repair the trust and the relationship first before jumping into marriage. Think of this as a positive thing — you were given the chance to work the fundementals of a lasting relationship before being married. No one should start a life together having to deal with repairing a relationship first.

It’s a tough situation but you can handle it — and you’re right, it’s not about the ring, it’s about the deceit. Delaying the wedding is better than going into it with all these issues unresolved. 

I honestly think you’re very lucky to discover this now.

Best of luck to you!

Post # 16
Member
3261 posts
Sugar bee

He sounds like a pathological liar. :/ Maybe he should have a few therapy sessions before you proceed with the wedding, marriage.. 

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