- 7 years ago
- Wedding: June 2012
I rarely post, and usually it’s just pictures of my ring or dress. I’m a very reserved person and usually don’t share my problems with anyone, but I’m at a loss in this situation and I’d love your input.
R* and I have been together since September 2009. We’re both students of music and in the same place in life. We have very similar family values and he’s a caring, nurturing person, though he loves to be the ‘frat guy’ at times, too. In July 2010 (after only 10 months), he proposed and I said yes. We had talked about rings before that and he said this was “his investment” and he would select the ring. (I said I loved gemstone rings and I’m obsessed with Kate Middleton, so I would have loved a sapphire, or anything) He even showed me a picture of the one he selected, a Tacori. At the proposal, there was no ring – he said it was on the way.
In November 2010, the ring still wasn’t there. I said I didn’t feel comfortable planning without something on my finger, because society tells me I need some physical symbol, so I found an antique opal ring online and he gave me his card to pay for it (around $200). I ordered it and tracked the package, so when it came in, I knew. It came to his parents house (he and I lived together) and the day it came in, we went out to a bar with friends. He slipped the ring box to me under the table. Nothing romantic, no fanfare, no nothing. He said he was afraid I would ask for it, so he just wanted to give it to me. I said I would have waited for the perfect moment, but there was no re-doing it now. Oh well. He said the Tacori was on the way.
A couple months later, I asked him where he had lunch one day. He said Subway. Moments later, I found a receipt for Pluckers at the time and day in question. I told him about how I hated lying and it scared me – my brother is 350+ lbs and it came from lying about food. Ryan and I are both concerned about our weight, so I really didn’t want either of us to be lying about food. I caught him a few more times in lies about food throughout the year.
When grades came out in May, I found out he had a been taking a class he hadn’t told me about because he had failed it a few semester ago (the class is about teaching marching band and he wants to be a collegiate marching band director). He had been having problems with his grades all semester and I had been trying to help him stay on top of things, so it was quite surprising to hear there was a whole different class he was working on. (Still didn’t make an A… I think it was a B or C)
Throughout 2011, we talked about the Tacori. He told me at one point, the ring came in but it was a different center stone, so he had to get his stone back and start again with another jeweler. Then, there was a delay in ordering Tacori rings. Then, it came in but a prong was loose and the channel diamonds were set crooked, so the whole thing had to be recast.
Then – finally!! – he said it came in, but he wanted to make it more romantic than the last ring, under the table and all. He was going to give it to me before he left for National Guard duty on Wednesday, December 28 (so, Tuesday night, I assumed). He called me Tuesday morning and said he was feeling sick and didn’t want to give me the ring when he wasn’t feeling up to it. Friday, I called him and said, “Look, we’re going to be alone for new years. Just give me the ring then. I’d really like to get the ring at that time. It will be so romantic.” He said fine and was quite upset. He wouldn’t take my calls all night and didn’t text me or anything.
I finally called him this morning to ask what was going on; he *always* answers my calls or texts me, even in the worst of times.
He said there was no ring.
The one he selected (“his investment”) was too expensive ($7000, he said) and he could never get the money together. There was NEVER a ring. No jeweler that took his stone, no crooked prongs, no delays on Tacori rings. He lied to me for the past 18 months about this ring.
I don’t know what to do. It’s not about the ring. I didn’t even know about Tacori until he brought it up. I would have loved anything!, but that didn’t matter, and now, I just don’t know what to do.
Postpone? I hate the idea of postponing a wedding. To me, it feels like you’re just delaying the break up. So do we break up? Over lies about a ring? Cumulative lies over our entire relationship? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? I feel like we have NO trust. I don’t feel like I can believe anything he says – I believed lies for 18 months!!
He comes home tonight and we’re going to talk about everything. I just don’t know what to do.