- 2 years ago
- Wedding: July 2018
Hey, so this is going to be super long and probably confusing. The drama happened 2 years ago, so this all has been brewing for a while. Sorry in advance!
Context and Background:
Hayley– Friend since 5th grade. In my eyes we had been growing apart, especially since going to different colleges. She introduced me and my now husband. Hayley got engaged in Aug of 2015, after dating for roughly 2 years. She asked me to be her Maid/Matron of Honor, and I said yes. Expected wedding date, October 15th, 2016. 3 out of the other 4 bridesmaids are her college roommates. (The 4th I knew from highschool).
Robin– College roommate. Bestie. Only really been friends for 2 years at this point in the story, but we were the same major and pretty much spent all day every day together. (Not only did we live together but all of our classes were the same.) Rob got engaged on her 6th year anniversary in November of 2015 and asked me to be a bridesmaid, which I also said yes. (I was way more excited about this wedding than Hayley’s, tbh). Expected wedding, June 4th, 2016. Her other 4 bridesmaids/ Maid/Matron of Honor were from her hometown in upstate NY.
Megan– Me. You should know that this point of my life was a rough one. I had been dating my now husband for nearly 5 years and literally going crazy. I had been actively waiting for and expecting a ring for 2 years (what can I say, Christian colleges will do that to ya).
SO. There was trouble right from the start regarding Hayley’s wedding and her bridesmaids. As soon as she had asked everyone, I friended everyone on FB and created a FB message group, where I introduced myself and expressed how happy I was for Hayley and to meet them. Not a single response, other than Hayley herself. That threw me off and, looking back, set the tone for things to come. I honestly don’t know why no one responded, or why things went the way they went with those girls. The only explanation I can think of is that they were resentful that I was MOH? Not sure if that’s the truth or if they are just rude people.
I went venue shopping with Hayley and her gang, and tried my best to take detailed notes, ask questions, etc. I really wasn’t sure what I was supposed to be doing as Maid/Matron of Honor, so honestly I was winging it. Later, she went dress shopping without me. Never even told me she was going, but you better believe her 3 roommates were there. Yes, it hurt, especially because she picked the dress without me, but whatever. All 5 of us are in our senior year of college, I know its hectic. It’s fine. I didn’t really like the dress necessarily, but I didn’t say anything since it’s her day, her vision, etc (also, she already bought it so it’s too late lol!). I think I was more miffed that she didn’t even try to invite me or even shoot a text. She didn’t send pictures of her experience trying stuff on. Just boom. “Bought my dress! *sends pictures surrounded by the three girls I’m perceieveing as hating me*”
Sometime around November/ December, Hayley’s groom’s father gets diagnosed with end-stage cancer. He’s not expected to make it to the end of January. Hayley decides to move the wedding up. To June. June 5th. That’s right, 1 day after Robin’s wedding. Robin’s wedding is in upstate NY, Hayley’s is in central PA. Roughly a 6 hour distance. There’s no way I’m missing Robin’s wedding, so I talk to Robin. She’s super chill, supportive, and understanding. Is totally fine with me leaving the wedding early so I can get to PA around midnight or 1am, and still be there for Hayley the entire day. I talk to Hayley about how I’ll have to miss her rehearsal, and she does not take it well AT ALL. Pretty sure she only accepts it because she doesn’t have a choice.
Around this same time, I find out that my now husband had vented to Hayley about how I wanted a ring so bad and how it was stressing him out. Hayley told him that I was being totally unreasonable for wanting to be engaged this bad, and that I should “just be patient” like she had been. (Again, let me point out that she had been dating for a little over 2 years, and I had been dating for nearly 5). Her response to me missing her shower, plus finding out about this conversation had me **pissed.** I knew at this point our friendship would not be the same after her wedding. We had been drifting a part for a while, whether or not she had realized it. I was beginning to see her true colors in all of this, but hey. It’s her wedding. I’m gonna keep the peace and gracefully let our friendship end after the wedding. (She’ll be married, starting her career, still living and hour+ away from me, we’ll just keep drifting apart and no one will get hurt.)
Real drama starts after her bridal shower. We collectivly decide that I’ll be in charge of decorations and games (because 1. I’m an art major and 2. I’m expecting it to be more expensive so I didn’t want to put that on any of them. Figured I’m the Maid/Matron of Honor, I’ll pay for the more expensive thing). They volunteered to make the food and desserts for the party. (The bridesmaid that I knew from HS couldn’t make it.) The shower is a surprise that’s planned to happen after my spring break. So I spend my entire spring break DIYing, and wiping out my entire bank account to make the shower as beautiful as I could. I get there, start setting up with little help from the 3 bridesmaids. Again, it’s fine. I only start to get annoyed when they start humble-bragging to me about how they “spent allll day yesterday in the kitchen baking.” Found out the three of them collectively made 1 dessert. All the rest of the food was made or provided by the mothers and aunts of Hayley and her groom. But I play nice. Put on my smile, genuinely try to have a great time. We end up pulling off the surprise, and I thought it went amazing. Pictures look great, Hayley seemed to have a great time, etc. (I didn’t even make a comment when they wouldn’t let me stand next to Hayley for any of the pictures. Again, I am actively trying to avoid drama. I don’t want to start anything, and I hate conflict.)
Now we’re on to trying to plan the bachelorette, and I start putting my foot down. They are insisting that we need to have her party at the zoo or at an amusement park because Hayley’s not a big drinker. I think that’s a terrible idea, and I let them know. They shoot down all my ideas. It gets crazy. Horrible. I cry in front of Robin for the first time because honestly these girls are being so mean. Twisting everything I’m trying to say (for example, I suggested that we can go to the mall and help Hayley pick out some lingerie, and they said that would make her too uncomfortable. I tried explaining that, actually, it wont because Hayley literally went lingerie shopping with my BF to pick out stuff for me once. But they wouldn’t know that because it happened in HS before they even knew her. Yeah they weren’t a fan of that).
Of course, they get to Hayley first and tell them their side of the story. Hayley calls me, and tries to explain their reasoning to me. Literally takes their side 100% and wont even listen to me. I’m already heated from the bridesmaid argument, and it’s hard to deal with this too. I end up texting her that I will not be attending a bachelorette with them, because it’s pretty clear that they hate me, but that I’ll throw her something for her and I to do ourselves. Still, my decision is all with her in mind. Can you imagine the 4 of us bridesmaids hanging out in the same room together, less than a week after this massive crazy blow up fight? It would be so awkward. I don’t want her to feel anything less than perfect during her party. I don’t want any drama when the focus is supposed to be on her. I go to bed, and when I wake up I have a voicemail from her telling me that I’m out of the wedding party. I’ve let her down, I’m not pulling my weight or doing my share. She has 4 special days that are supposed to be all about her (shower, bach, rehearsal, wedding), and I wont be able to go to one, and now I’ve ruined the other. I’ve been a terrible Maid/Matron of Honor, but I’m still invited to the wedding if I want.
Nope. I’m done. I’m out. Goodbye. Yes, I’m bitter. Yes, I’m sad. It takes me a LONG time to not actively hate her with all of my soul. Robin, my other roommates, and even Robin’s fiance are so great. They all hate her as much as I do. She becomes the brunt of many, MANY jokes. She was my friend for so many years that it’s very hard. I end up having to block her on everything, otherwise I get into periods of FB and Insta-stalking her if she pops up on my feeds through mutual friends or anything.
After over a year of pretending she doesn’t exist anymore (summer of 2017), she messages me through this online game we used to play together. Instead of just ignoring her I am polite, but have no interest in being friends. At this point I’m newly engaged myself (**finally**) and she gives me her congrats. She then tells me she’s pregnant (ok) and I do my best to pretend that I care and am happy for her. Sounds terrible, but I just don’t have any interest in her or her life at this point. She then starts trying to talk to me about my wedding, asking about location and venue and caterer and colors and I flat out never respond. I’m not playing this with you. There was a point in my life where I thought I would be able to talk to you about all this, but that is gone. You can’t just message me out of the blue and expect everything to be back to normal.
Since last summer she’s texted me every few weeks. Found out we were buying a house, and asked how the search was going. And then sent a text after we bought a house with congrats. Sent me a text about a highschool friend. Sent a text asking how the house was coming together. I haven’t responded now for 10 months. My wedding was July 1, and I didn’t want to even about her during this planning time. I’m still super bitter about her, and most wedding shenanigans make me think of her as it is so I just didn’t want to be remembering such a bad part of my life while trying to plan my own day. If that makes sense?? Wasn’t sure what to make of all her texts. Was she just beging regretful? Was she just trying to get an invite? She was always the type of person when we were friends to one-up me. (She was *1* month older than me, she was *1* inch taller than me, she had more friends, she played an instrument, when she realized that I was better at art than her she stopped trying and picked up a new hobby, etc.) So when she initially messaged me it seemed pretty obvious that she was flaunting how great her new life was with her husband and soon-to-be baby, but now I don’t know what these messages are about.
I got a message the other day on FB (guess she gave up on the texting), telling me how beautiful my pictures are and how she hoped everything went well, and asking about how the honeymoon was. I’m not sure what to do. I don’t have the excuse of wanting to forget her for my wedding anymore. Part of me is exhausted with disliking her (although I defo don’t hate her anymore). I don’t really want to be friends again. She burned that bridge, and I feel like I would be a total sucker going back. Also, as mean as it is, it’s still a little fun ripping on her to my friends. Especially now that I know for a fact she went crazy bridezilla. I knew from dealing with Robin at the same time it was possible to be a chill bride, but I couldn’t fully put myself in Hayley’s shoes until I had done it all myself. Now I know how ridiculous she was. She had no reason to throw away our 11 year friendship. That’s how little she actually cared about me.
All of my coworkers and friends know how bad it was and how much she hurt me and how much I hated her at one point. So how do I explain to them that we’re friends again (if we would become friends again)? How do I explain going from hating someone to suddenly being amicable?
I guess I’m just rambling. Not sure what I’m trying to get out of this post, just wanted to FINALLY get all my thoughts out. Part of me wishes things could go back to the way they were, but I don’t think I’ll ever get over the hurt she caused me. Should I just keep ignoring her? Or should I just respond politely? Ugh.