- 5 years ago
- Wedding: August 2015
Well I’ve been kind of absent lately, hadn’t really check bee in a few months.
It has been due to health reasons. I know it sounds stupid, but in the few months that I’ve been using bee I’ve come to feel part of this community. There are a lot of lovely ladies on here!
I’d like to offer my support, even if I’m in the midst of my troubles.
Some of you may have read but, I have a severe wheat allergy, I’m one in a million (not in the positive way though). No, I am not a celiac and no I am not intolerant. I cannot breathe wheat germ (protein released to the air by wheat) ’cause my throat closes up and my lungs stop functioning as liquid around them, surpresses them.
One of the symptoms is I swell up. Not in a cartoonish way but my blood vessels leak liquid which my tissues absorb, so it kind of looks like I’ve gained weight but in an off way. I ‘gained’ over 15kg of liquid in the past 6 months. Needless to say this summer was awful, I literally cried every single day. It wasn’t just because I was swollen and my clothes didn’t fit, but I felt sick all of the time. Little did I know it would get worse.
My arms have been swollen for over two years and I have been gradually swelling up for about a year and a half. This may sound stupid, but during this time I kept punishing myself for getting ‘fatter’. It was easier to believe that I was gaining weight without any cause (eating the same etc) than that I was swelling up ‘for no reason’ because I wasn’t in direct contact with wheat.
During this time I bought a wedding dress which didn’t fit me like I wanted it to, I despised seeing myself in a mirror and stretch mark from the rapid swelling started to appear all over my body. Soon enough my face began to swell, one side more than the other and these purple stretch marks were just more prominent. I am quite petite, I’m 5’2 and have never been more than a size 2 (UK 6) (I have curves though) (and swole up to a size US 6 but an 8 on my arms) so seeing myself this way, wasn’t easy. Apart from the psychological implications that I saw myself in a body that wasn’t my own.
So I went to several DRs, even though I had a huge fear of them because I was treated like a guinea pig when I was a child and was poked and proded like you cannot imagine.
There it was, it all made sense, my pancreas wasn’t digesting food properly and my liver was intoxicated creating that build up which was why I was swelling up. Amongst other issues but essentially my allergy had taken its toll on my organs.
I’m 20 years old, I never imagined during all that time I was telling myself I was fat that I was so messed up on the inside. It took a while to get to terms with all of this new information which everyone close to me suspected but the thought never crossed my mind.
I’m blessed that I’m so young making my organs resilient and should be fine in time. However these few months have been hell. I’ve literally only gone out to go to DR appointments, my social life went down the drain, emotionally and psychologically it has been really hard. Everyday I’ve felt like crap, there have been days I didn’t have the strength to dress myself, there have been days that I’ve had pains that have kept me sobbing all night, there were nights in which I had to have an oxygen machine for hours.
Hopefully I won’t need to postpone my wedding, but I might depend on how I progress (I’ve been somewhat better this week). Granted I’ve left out a lot of the details of my symptoms etc but you get the idea .
I just want to tell all of you going throught a bad time that I know it isn’t easy but I’m sure you’ll get through it. I’m not out of the tunnel yet, but I believe I will be and lately I’ve felt hope. Something that I hadn’t felt in a long time.
All this time has also given me a lot of time to think, whether I’m too young to get married in a year but my life has made me mature far earlier than a lot of people my age. These past 6 months have also confirmed something I knew which is I have the most amazing man by my side. He was been a pillar and an unconditional support I will never be able to make up for. If there is something I have now is complete clarity that we’ve already been through sickness and health and many other things couples promise each other at a wedding. I love him, more than I ever imagined loving another human being and he gives me hope in humanity.
Sometimes we get caught up in the little things that we lose sight of why we are doing those little things and this hault of wedding planning, I have fallen in love with my partner all over again. That is what he is, my partner in life and I know that come what may he will continue fighting with me.
So with this I leave you a photo of my handsome hero: