- 10 months ago
- Wedding: September 2019
My heart is heavy today. One of my dear friends is losing her mother, or may have already lost her. Her mom was diagnosed with cancer only like 7 months ago, and last I talked to my friend (last Friday) she was doing okay but not great. I didn’t realize how dire it was until yesterday when I texted her about a bridesmaid thing, and she responded that “It’s not a good time, my mom is in her final moments and I want to be present”. I feel so so awful for her. They were very close. I told her of course not to worry about anything but being with her family right now, and that I’ll give her space to be with them but to let me know if she needs anything at all, and this morning I sent her a message telling her I love her and no need to respond but I just want her to know she’s in my thoughts.
I could use advice on how to support her through this. This is the first time someone close to me has experienced such a close loss, and my heart is breaking for her. I want to be there for her, and I want to make sure to not be a friend who falls away during this difficult time out of fear of saying or doing the wrong things. But, I don’t know what the right things are. I unfortunately cannot go be with her in person, as I’m moving out of state in less than a week, and she already lives about 3 hrs away from me currently. I know she has support there from her family, and her wonderful boyfriend and other friends in the area, otherwise I’d find a way to make the trip anyways if she was alone, but it’s not very feasible for me to get there at this time. I’m planning to send her a card next week or so. What else can I do for her? What’s a good balance of checking in without it feeling like too much? Currently we check in every week or two, should I be doing so more while she’s going through this (after it’s confirmed that her mom has passed- I won’t be bugging her anymore until I know her mom has passed and giving her a couple of days after that as I’m respecting her desire to be present with her family right now)? Should I bring it up and ask about her mom and family? Or should I start trying to get her mind of things with happier topics after a couple of weeks?
Also, how should I handle things re. her being a bridesmaid in my wedding? The wedding is less than 4 months away now, and I’m sure she’ll be grieiving through that time and long after. Should I let her know that she doesn’t have to be a bridesmaid? I would still love for her to be, but I’m worried that it might not be okay to still expect her to be. I’m already asking very little from her in terms of “bridesmaid duties”, as my wedding is taking place in my home state and she lives in another one. I didn’t expect her to come to my bridal shower or bachelorette, but she has said she wants to come to one of those so she can meet the other bridesmaids ahead of time. But now I worry if it’s appropriate to have my Maid/Matron of Honor include her in the bachelorette party thread she was planning on making, as I don’t want her bombarded with messages about a party for me or feeling pressured to attend. And dresses need to be ordered in the next month or two, and I feel awful checking in about that next month when she’s going through this. Things are complicated by her bf being our officiant, so I’m unsure if I should prepare a backup plan in case she’s not up to attending. I just want to be as supportive as I can be, as she’s so much more important to me as my friend than her role in my wedding. I feel like all of these silly things like dresses and parties mean so little when stuff like this happens…
Any advice would be really appreciated bees, thank you.