Post # 1
I posted this on here about 7 months ago: https://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/5-year-relationship-no-ring-in-sight-long/
In short, my friend has been with her boyfriend for almost 6 years now with no ring in sight. He keeps giving her hurdles to jump in order for him to be ready for marriage while making no sacrifices himself.
Anyway, our close group of friends has a group text. She texted us the other day telling us that her and her boyfriend got in a big fight. She finally decided to sit him down and have a timeline talk, and he said he doesn’t see himself getting married anytime soon. She asked, “how many years then until we will be married then?” And he said, “10.” She started crying about how they’ve already been together for 6, how she moved for him, etc. and he still won’t commit. Finally, after two hours of fighting (according to her), he yelled at her and said, “FINE! 1 YEAR! WILL THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY?!” … and she said “yes.”
Now she is going crazy planning her (potential) wedding! She says because if she is going to be married in a year, she better start planning now since he will obviously be proposing soon. She’s calling vendors, asked her bridesmaids, and is talking about putting deposits down on flowers.
For only the reason that I want my friend to be happy, I hope he follows through. However, the rest of my friends and myself are not very hopeful based on his history of red flags and stringing her along in the past. (See linked post at the top for some examples.)
What am I supposed to do? Support her and help her plan while knowing in the back of my mind that they will likely not be married this year? Or do I talk to her and voice my concerns… essentially tell her to relax and hold off planning anything until they actually get engaged?
I feel like a bad friend here. So do the other two girls who are in our friend group. We want so desperately to be supportive but we don’t want to see our friend go through another heartbreak.
Post # 2
If she brings up wedding plans, you might ask if it’s been settled between them – are they going to be married by next year, or engaged? And if she says, “well, we’re not engaged yet but he said we will be” then you can advise her not to put down any money till their engagement is official. That way you’re being supportive without interfering.
If you feel like you really need to give her tough love, invite her somewhere just the two of you (don’t meet as a group or she’ll feel ganged up on) and just tell her what you wrote here: you want so desperately to be supportive but you’re scared he’ll break her heart. Find a waiting thread and maybe you can point out where her story matches eerily well with another’s. But prepare yourself, she may want to shoot the messenger…
Post # 3
You should suggest her that she should plan only after getting engaged and that’s what people do. Save her from putting down the deposit. Him yelling yes for 1 year is not a serious answer and even if he gets married cuz of pressure that is not a good thing in th me long run. Tell her you are supportive of her regardless of what she decides but stress on your suggestion to wait until he proposes.
Post # 4
No offense to your friend, but it sounds to me like she’s more excited about planning a wedding than actually getting married. The fact that she basically forced her man into saying “FINE I’LL PROPOSE NEXT YEAR” and then getting all excited planning shows where her priorities are.
The proper response to her man saying that is that it’s not about the proposal, or the big wedding, or the fancy dress, it’s about making a commitment to someone. I don’t want my bf to marry me because he thinks he has to in order to make me happy, I’d like him to want to so we’re BOTH happy. I don’t predict they’ll get engaged anytime soon and if they actually do go through with it, it’ll probably not last long.
Post # 5
From your previous post I’d say she shouldn’t even be with him at all, let alone thinking of marrying him. You don’t have to help her plan. Speaking as someone who in the past was in a relationship with a sociopath and didn’t see the red flags my friends did, you don’t have to support the relationship. I had a friend who straight up told me that if we got married she wouldn’t go. Sometimes that’s the best way to support someone. (We did not get married or engaged btw thank god). I might have thought at the time that she was overreacting or bitter or something but she was spot on. I don’t see a problem with being straight up with a friend even though it might hurt them in the short term, it does show that you care about her. I’d have a real talk and be honest with her.
Post # 6
I think it’s time for some gentle-tough-love here. Nothing good can come from a man saying he wants to date for sixteen years before he’ll get married and then screaming FINE IN ONE YEAR after a tearful fight. Sixteen years!!??
I’d take her out for dinner and try to lead the conversation in the direction of how she actually sees this unfolding. Gently try to find out if she’s really ok with marrying someone that doesn’t want to be married and how she really sees this going. She’s decided that his answer is ok and is running with it, but she most likely knows deep down that it’s not enough and is just running FROM it.
Confronting her head on is probably going to put her defenses up, but if you try to get her to talk it through then hopefully she can start to get there on her own.