Post # 1
Member
1069 posts
Bumble bee
Well it happened, we are in our late 20s and we have the first divorce among our friends being filed today. They have been married 4 years, hubby was in the wedding, and frankly we didn’t support the marriage when it happened but we hoped for the best. After a long rough couple of years, and a recent separation, hubby’s Friend is filing today for divorce. The girl was his high school sweetheart, they got married young and she was extremely immature and basically ran off to avoid growing up.
We are newlywed and haven’t had hardly any divorce in our lives from families and too young to have had much with friends. So for those of you who went through a divorce young, what is the best thing we can do to support his friend? He’s coming over to grill tonight and I offered to pick up any beer or food he wanted, I can hide out in the bedroom so they can have dude time, we’ve offered him a place to crash but he’s got an okay living situation for now.
Is there anything else we can do, or what are the things we shouldn’t say/do? What are the things people did/said that actually made you feel worse? My husband is better at these types of situations than I am; but honestly we are both at a loss and just want to support our friend and know how to be the best friends we can in this type of situation.
Post # 2
Member
746 posts
Busy bee
Be a good listener. Don’t bash the other party. Don’t say “we never liked her”, etc etc. Provide an evening of normalcy in what is most likely a very chaotic time for your friend. Sounds like you’re on the right track!
-
This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by
motogal. Reason: Clarity
Post # 3
Member
58 posts
Worker bee
just be there. they are probably fine today but, the months that follow is when the support and friendship is really going to be needed. divorce is an emotional roller coaster. it feels freeing at first and like everything else, can follow a pattern of grief. it sounds like you guys are really loving your friend and making sure he has a safe place to just hang out and that is awesome!
Post # 4
Member
738 posts
Busy bee
- Wedding: September 2019 - City, State
Your doing everything right. He may not even want to talk about it tonight. Just ask how he is doing and let the conversation flow.
Post # 5
Member
1069 posts
Bumble bee
The roller coaster has been months of up and down from when they separated in November, but then came to our January wedding as a couple. Then separated again. She’s already started seeing someone new and he still wants her back, it’s a just a mess and I feel awful! He is the sweetest guy and he just got used. So unfortunately right now, I don’t think he feels freed, even if that’s how we all see it. We will definitely be sure to keep an eye on him and keep up the support past today. Thanks for the advice!
mrstschida :
Post # 6
Member
2087 posts
Buzzing bee
I agree to act normally around your friend and be there to listen if he wants to talk. I wouldn’t hide out or anything to give your husband and his friend “dude time.” If he wants to talk to your husband alone, they can schedule a time to go out, but if he’s coming over for a bbq, have a bbq. He might just want some normalcy.
Post # 7
Member
2989 posts
Sugar bee
hockeybee0104 : I don’t really have any advice but I completely get how hard it is to feel like a supportive friend. Recently I feel like I had a wave of acquaintance level friends who got divorced and I never know how to be supportive.
It sounds like you’re being awesome friends though.
Post # 8
Member
1069 posts
Bumble bee
It is challenging sometimes! He used to be a super close friend of my husband’s, and husband is the type of person that can go without seeing someone for years, pick up like no time was missed and still be their best friend. I don’t know this guy very well at all but he’s always been extremely nice and sweet and I just feel awful. I tend to be way too honest so I’m trying to make sure I don’t say the wrong thing, but also not come across as walking on egg shells.
sarathemermaid :
Post # 9
Member
1069 posts
Bumble bee
For sure, that’s a good point. I guess my offer to “hide out” was more because I don’t know this friend as well and don’t want him to feel unable to talk because I’m around. I also can be way too honest sometimes and don’t want to be hurtful (like earlier suggestions not to say we never liked her and he deserves better). If he comes over I’ll hang around while we eat, play some video games etc but then I’m going to go clean our master bath because we move next week and it needs done, but then they can have some hang time without it being so forced if that sounds good?
mimivac :
Post # 10
Member
11125 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
hockeybee0104 :
You can never go wrong by validating someone’s feelings and letting them feel heard.
If your friend sounds sad, angry, or upset, all you really have to do is let him know you’re hearing the sadness, the anger, or the upset. You sound really upset right now. If he wants to say more, fine. If not, fine. You have done a good and helpful thing by giving your friend a chance to feel heard. None of us get that enough.
No need to offer advice or opinions. He may be getting more than enough already.
Post # 11
Member
778 posts
Busy bee
- Wedding: June 2019 - Tacoma, WA
As someone who has been through a divorce, I can say that one of the best things my friends did to help support me was to just be available and not act like they were walking on eggshells around me. One particular friend would always ask something along the lines of “do you feel like you need to talk about things tonight, or do you just want a no-divorce-talk zone and some chill time to focus on something else for a while?” and that was always awesome. She totally respected it every time I didn’t want to talk about it at all and I never felt pressured to talk about it when I didn’t want to.
I also very much appreciated my friends who would let me cry/vent/whatever without trying to insert their own advice or opinions into the conversation without me asking, but instead just listened, gave hugs, and grabbed some drinks with me when I didn’t want to be alone and needed some company. The same friend above would also always ask me, whenever I needed to vent or cry, whether I wanted advice, or just wanted to vent/cry. She was one of my biggest supports through the entire thing and I will love her forever for how she handled it all.
Post # 12
Member
1069 posts
Bumble bee
This is great thank you, I will be very careful about not offering opinions and advice (not my strong suit lol) if he chooses to open up while I’m around. The biggest thing I’m gleaning from all of the advice is talk less, listen more, and just be normal. I know I hate when people walk on egg shells with me so we will be careful not to do that. Also keep my opinion of the b*+ch to myself lol.
somedaymrsj :
Post # 13
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
- Wedding: June 2021 - Glacier National Park-Montana
Listen and provide fun distractions!