(Closed) Supporting him/her

posted 10 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Hostess
18637 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

For us it was the other way around.  We had a break and just after we got back together, my mother died.  The hardest part was that we were across the country from me so it was extra hard through that year we were apart.  I don’t know how I would have done it without him.

Post # 4
Member
626 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Our engagment actually cause a tough time situation.  FI’s mom has never pretended to like Fiance. She has a very clear fav and least favorite child and Fiance is her least Fav.  He has been trying all of his life to make her like him or to pretend like it really wasn’t as bad as everyone knows it is. 

When we got engaged he invited a group of very close friends and family to join us for dinner (the night after).  He promised his mom he would pay for her dinner and drinks; whatever it took to get her to come with us.  She said she would try, but instead opted to go to her best friend’s daughter’s boyfriend’s sister’s birthday party (I’m not kidding it really was that far removed and that’s what she chose).

This made him realize just how high he rated.  It’s really crushed him and he has been avoiding her for weeks now.  He doesnt want to talk to her and has even suggested that we don’t invite her to our wedding. He is so hurt by her actions.  I guess it was the straw that broke the camels back.

Everytime he gets quiet and I ask what he’s thinking about he says "my mom".  It’s like she’s haunting him.  I’m trying to support him and make him realize how many other people love him, but how do you make someone feel better when the problem is that thier mom doesn’t like them?

Post # 5
Member
456 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

@rnc620- that’s awful! I’m so sorry ya’ll are dealing with this, I know that has to be incredibly hard. You know, he could probably use professional counseling on this one. It’s obviously hitting him really hard, and he’s probably got a lot of unhealed hurts going back his whole life if she’s always been like this. It’s probably not something the two of you can handle alone. And you’re going to be dealing with the results of this the rest of your life too. You’ll have to be super careful to never let him feel like he’s not number one in your life. Especially if you have kids. A lot of marriages suffer because kids come into the picture and one spouse (almost always the wife) completely shuts out the other and focuses on the kids too much. He’ll be super sensitive to *anything* that he could interprete as rejection, making him feel inferior, etc, so you’ll really have to work at making sure that doesn’t happen. And making sure ya’ll communicate well enough that when you do inadvertantly do something (and it’s inevitable you will), he can tell you, so you can work together to fix it.

Again, I’m very sorry you’re dealing with this. Just keep making him *your* number one, and being there for him. Good luck! Maybe a miracle will happen and his mom will spontaneously repent of her ways and treat him like she should! *hugs* The bees are her to support you!

Post # 6
Member
626 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Thank you Liz.smith! I really appeciate your kind words and advice.  It is a hard situation to deal with. My family is the opposite so I am shocked everytime she pulls a stunt.  Luckily my family loves him and has made him a part of the family.  It gives him a little bit more support, which he needs!

Fiance has def lived a rough life because of this.  He turned to drugs and alcohol so it was a long road to get to where he is today.  He has been through counseling and stopped going for 2 reasons.  1. money and 2. distance.  His therapist is about a 40min drive if traffic isn’t too bad.  Going multiple times a week was just too much for him… it ended up being 3 hours out of his night and with work it was too much.  I tried to prompt him to find a new thereapist but he insists that he has seen too many already and that he won’t be able to find another good one where we live.  So cross your fingers that I can talk him into finding someone new (and great!)

Thanks!!!

 

Post # 7
Member
456 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

It’s just so sad to think of a mother like that! You *know* there are bad moms out there, but you don’t think of them as being "real" people. It’s so bizarre to me. It’s great that your family has welcomed him. I know that would help me if I were in his shoes.

Definitely hope he can find another therapist. I’ve been to some crappy ones, so I know how he feels on not wanting to bother with trying to find a new one anymore. It’s such a pain, and costs too much, and gah. Hate it. Don’t know if ya’ll are religious at all, but I know my mom’s church, just for example, has a program called Celebrate Recovery. It’s for anyone recovering from anything in their past, whether it’s alcohol or drug addiction, divorce, or pretty much anything. I know a lot of people have been helped. Any chance you could find something like that, that’s free, and possibly a less stressful, pain in the a** way to get help? It’s hard in a situation like this, cause you don’t want to be pushy and make him feel like you think he can’t handle it, but at the same time, well, he *can’t* handle it alone, so what do you do? Good luck, fingers are crossed!

Post # 8
Member
456 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

Oh, and to answer the original question, we’ve been through quite a few tough times. About 6 months after we met, my grandmother died. I took it incredibly badly, first person I was close to that had died, I was almost as close to her as I am to my mom, and it was somewhat unexpected (she had cancer but hid how bad it really was). He’s part of the reason I came throught that alright. He’s been through a ton of family health issues in the time we’ve been together. His youngest brother got a blood clot that could have killed him and was diagnosed with a blood clotting disorder. His twin sister got sick and no one could figure out what was wrong, was finally diagnosed with Celiac Disease. His stepdad has Hepatitis and is incredibly sick still. And in non-family health related issues, he found out his dad had two sons before my FH and his siblings, and no one ever bothered to tell my FH. I’ve mostly just been there for him when I could. I had NO clue what to do, so I just let him talk to me when he needed to. I felt pretty useless, but he says I helped so I dunno.

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