(Closed) SURPRISE for SO – and it went horribly wrong (long) Advice?

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
3078 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@HeartsandSparkles:  Oh my gosh.  I am so sorry you are upset.  I would be too!  I have to say, that is by far the most thoughtful, badass birthday present a guy could get!!!  He is so lucky to have you.  I Don’t like football and I’m jealous!  Unfortunately I don’t have any advice for you. I just wanted to send *hugs*.

You should do something for yourself this weekend while he is gone.  You deserve it!!  Go shopping!  Get a mani/pedi!  Get a massage!  Have a wine night with your girls!  Just do something so you don’t dwell on this.

Post # 4
11422 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

What you did for your SO was fabulous — so thoughtful, so generous, so creative, and so full of effort and planning, and it sounds as if he truly knows that and is extremely appreciative.  It also sounds as if he realizes that his initial reaction was hurtful to you and he has apologized for that and feels very bad about it.

I honestly don’t think you can ask for more than that. He sounds like a great guy.

If your SO has a 106 percent in a class, that tells me that he’s probably a very Type A person who wants to excel in all that he does and needs to feel as if he is in control over his academic and professional destiny.  When he opened your gift, he probably had a very strong reaction, because, in his mind, he suddenly had no control over his weekend or how he was going to manage to do well on this final if he accepted your gift, but he also couldn’t imagine NOT availing himself of this amazing and generous plan you had so carefully arranged on his behalf.

It’s understandable that you’re emotions are wounded by the rejection you felt when he didn’t initially respond the way you expected, but try your very best not to allow yourself to keep re-living that pain. Instead, try to understand how your SO was feeling at that moment and why, and realize that he DOES get it, and he really does love you and is probably completely blown away by your awesome surprise. πŸ™‚

Post # 5
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@HeartsandSparkles:  I would just tell my/his friends that the video didn’t record properly. 

Post # 6
955 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

If its any consolation, my husband would react the same way…I think.


i guess it’s good to be with someone who takes responsibility so seriously.  And, he did apologize right away and I’m sure he feels badly that he didn’t provide the initial reaction you were looking for.


hes a keeper.  Trust me on that.  You don’t want to be with someone who shirks responsibility….


i hope that helps.  Try not to dwell too much on it.

Post # 7
2117 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I am so sorry he initially reacted poorly. At least he realized he was wrong and apologized, but I still know it was a really hurtful initial response after you had worked so hard. Just tell anyone who asks that you didn’t choose to video it or it messed up/the batteries were dead.

I’m sorry your hard work was repaid with a poor reaction..tell him he has to make it up to you with a massage!

Post # 8
671 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Wow! Good on ya for giving him such an awesome birthday present!

I would just chalk it up to him being concerned about his exam. I think he feels like a ‘complete asshole’ just as he said.

He will make it up to you. He sounds like a good guy πŸ™‚ Sometimes things just don’t go as planned πŸ™ It sucks, but I bet you he is having a blast all thanks to you!! And his friends are probably thinking ‘Wow, how did he score such an awesome girlfriend!”


Post # 9
11747 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@HeartsandSparkles:  omg you poor thing.  I am so sorry his reaction totally sucked.  Wow, I would be heartbroken too. That was such a wonderful, thoughtful thing for you to do for him.  You definitely win girlfriend of the year!  

I can understand being shocked and freaking a bit about the exam but considering he had such a great grade in the class – IDK he probably was just caught off guard.  I’m a crazy type A studier and would study my ass off when I could fail an exam and still pass the class – if he is like that too I’m sure that’s what it was about.  Which, in the end is a great trait for him to have – driven and responsible.  

I hope instead of studying on the plane he is creating a massivly amazing plan to propose ASAP because you deserve it!!

Try not to dwell on it, because you can’t go back and change it. He owes you BIG time though and it seems like he knows that. 

Post # 10
6741 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

Ok, I’m not trying to be an a-hole, bc I think you seriously went above and beyond and got him like the bestbdaygifteverontheplanetever.  BUT – I can’t believe you waited until like the day before to tell him!!  Especially knowing that his final changed.  I’m the type of person who hates surprises and I especially hate last minute changes.  If I have something planned in my mind (like, studying the weekend before) and my Fiance just decided to do even the sweetest thing without telling me until the day before this surprise that he had been planning for months, I’d prob lose my cool, too. 

I don’t think you did anything wrong – don’t get me wrong – I certainly would have told him a few weeks ago so he could (1) anticipate it and get excited and pumped for it and (2) plan for it.  But, I do understand why he didn’t jump for joy when he first opened it. 

Don’t be upset about it – just tell your friends that he was so shocked and worried about his final, that he didn’t react until much later and that you accidentally didn’t start recording it or something. 

Post # 11
1659 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

He is going to have thr time of his life and he explained just how excited he is that you planned this for him – I know that it sucks that you don’t have an awesome video to show your friends, but his reaction shouldn’t mean as much to you as the gift itself. The reaction is for you – the gift is for him – which is more important? 

Post # 13
3420 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Manhattan Church Rec Center

Ok, story time. For our 5 year anniversary in August i planed a nice picnik in the Rambles of Central Park, overlooking Bethesda Fountan, Sweet right? I even wrote littke anniversary emblems to guide him to where I was. Well I set up and wait…and wait…and then my phone dies…and of course…he gets lost. And of course, what happens while I am waiting? A couple come to my spot and start taking THEIR ENGAGEMENT PICTURES!!!!! Freaking shoot me because I knew there was a 0% chance of him proposing to me that night…even though, after 5 years, I was starting to feel it. 

So 1 hour later he finds me and is PISSED because apparently I lead him on a wild goose chase. Now I will admit I did know where he messed up because I initially got lost there too. He was mad & I was mad he was mad because of all the work I’d put in and IT WAS OUR ANNIVERSARY! Our 5 year anniversary! Neither of us had an appitite anymore and so I downed a glass of wine and we silently packed everything up and I stomped back to the outside word and on to the train. He doesn’t say jack to me at all. Then something happened on the train. He put his arm around me, shared his bottle of water with me and told me he loved me and all of a sudden I wasn’t so mad anymore. 

I asked myself what was the point in being pissed at him. It wouldn’t make his propose. He didn’t have the means (yet). He made it up to me when we got home. But I had already bragged about this grad date and, really, some of my co-workers were expecting us to get engaged durring the date. So what did I do when asked…Heaven help me…I lied. I said it went great and promptly changed the subject. 

I think he’s noticed I completely stopped planning our dates since then. Now I just say I want to go somewhere and I let HIM take ME out. 

You think he doesn’t feel like a douchebag? Well duh, he does! And ya know what? Good! Let him feel like a douchebag. I am of the feeling that if one feels guity, then that usually means one has something to feel guilty about. Let him feel like a jerk and as the PPs said: go enjoy yourself. 

You and I both have good men, and he will find a way to make it up to you. Mine sure has. We are just a few weeks away from becoming engaged now. 

Post # 14
5657 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2012

Aw it’s always extremely dissapointing when a loved one doesn’t react to a gift the way you’d hoped… especially something so thoughtful and well planned!!

That said, your SO sounds like a keeper. 

Post # 15
314 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013 - Makena Cove

@HeartsandSparkles:  Oh hun I would feel exactly like you do πŸ™

It’s tough being the creative one who can keep a secret. I would try and enjoy your weekend as best you can while he’s gone. Maybe clean/redecorate your place, bake, watch the game so you can share the enthusiasm he WILL have when he gets home tomorrow night. I put myself in your shoes through your story and I think that’s exactly how me and SO would have acted/reacted. *hugs*

Post # 16
396 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Do yourself and him a favor and DELETE THE VIDEO!


And I agree with the prior posters, he sounds like a great and responsible guy who just momentarily freaked out about things not going as he planned, and maybe rightfully so.  But I’m sure once he comes back from the trip having had a great time AND does well on his test (which it sounds like he will do regardless) you can move on from the inital reaction and remember it as a happy surprise.

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