- 7 years ago
- Wedding: December 2010
So my friends and family threw me a surprise shower on Saturday and it did not go well. Not. At. All.
I suffer from social anxiety; I have trouble in crowds and large groups and generally need some time to “prepare” myself before attending parties, family gatherings, etc. I will admit that I do my best to conceal my condtion and am able to function pretty well by planning out things and taking the time to prepare for social situations. I also make excuses like, “Oh no, I don’t want you to go to any trouble or spend any money” whenever presented with a situation that would involve me being the center of attention, as it helps me maintain a sense of dignity since then people are not as aware of my problem.
So Saturday morning, my mother calls and asks me to come over and do her hair for my aunt’s party that night. She asks me to come around 2:30. Okay, no problem. She also said that she needed Fiance to pick up a large package for her and asks that we come in his truck; okay.
I wasn’t feeling well and told my mom this. I stayed in bed most of the morning and only got up to wash my face and brush my teeth. I threw on some sweats figuring that I was just going to curl my mom’s hair and then get back into bed.
So we get to my mom’s house and Fiance decides he needs some gas & tells me to go on & get started on my mom’s hair. I ring the bell and when my mom answers the door, cameras start flashing, I see a huge video camera in my face and several people run toward me yelling, “SURPRISE!!!”
I. Freaked. Out. I said, “I didn’t want this—I don’t want to be here!” and turned to leave. Some of my cousins approached telling me to come inside and I was fighting back the nausea. One cousin told me I was behaving like a spoiled brat, another called me a bitch. It felt like the walls were closing in on me and I was drowning at the same time. I got outside only to find that Fiance had left and I had no choice but to go back inside since I didn’t have any transportation.
I went inside and walked directly to a back room as a crowd of people yelled at me and followed me, but was able to get into the room and close the door. At that point I was throwing up. Meanwhile, several people took turns coming to the door and telling me how selfish and rude I was being. They didn’t seem to hear me sobbing and vomitting.
Finally, my best friend came to the door and asked me to just crack it so she could hand me a phone and a cold wash cloth. I was incredibly grateful! I called Fiance and BEGGED him to come back and get me. He got upset and said I was “showing out.” By then I was sobbing and vomitting, sobbing and vomitting and I just hung up. My mother was on the other side of the door saying, “Oh Tootie…Don’t be so dramatic.”
I then heard my best friend telling my mother, “She’s not being dramatic, she’s having an axiety attack and we need to coax her out of there before she passes out and we can’t get to her.” My mother is older and likes to pretend that everything is perfect so she was just poo-pooing it saying, “it’ll be fine” and “let’s go ahead and eat.”
By now, I am on the floor sobbing. I’m burning up, I’m sweating through my clothes and hyperventilating. Next I hear commotion in the next room and then I hear Fiance very irritatedly telling everyone to back off and telling me to open the door. I open the door and at first he looks angry but then his face softens and his eyes well up with tears and he puts his arms around me and tells me, “I am so sorry. I don’t know what we were thinking. I thought it would be okay if we kept it to just close family and friends and no lingerie or embarassing sex toys.”
Fiance brought me a glass of water and some tissues and sat with me quietly until I was ready to go the bathroom and clean up. He took me by the hand and went with me into the living room to greet everyone and said, “I’m not going to leave you, I’m here for you and I won’t let anyone upset you.” My best friend also stood up for me and told the people who had attacked and criticized me that they were out of line and that they should leave if they felt the need to say anything less than kind.
Fiance stayed as the only man in a room full of women (including members of his family—very embarrassing) and made it possible for me to at least sit and watch them play games and say goodbye to everyone when they left.
I still haven’t opened my gifts…I don’t really feel like I deserve them after having a meltdown.