Post # 1
after a lot of soul searching, i came to a final descision last month about who i was going to ask to be BMs. i had been waivering about asking a friend i’ve had since HS. she is a close friend, but i didnt want to ask her because she is constantly bitching about all events tied to weddings. showers are the worst thing ever, spending money on dresses and bachelorette parties is deplorable and gifts of any sort are a burden, and weddings are mostly pointless.
i had hoped that all meant she did not want to be in any weddings and planned not to ask her, but then the comments started coming and trust me, it was VERY clear she wants in. i considered changing my mind, but something happened that made me realize she has not been supportive of my realtionship. not because FI is a bad guy, but because dating him cut into the time i was around for her to hang out with.
i was pondering asking her to do a reading, so i could say “i know you hate BM stuff, but i hope you will still be a part of the ceremony and do a reading”… but i truly just do not want her involved with the wedding at all.
thanks to summer craziness, i havent seen her in about 2.5 weeks, during which time everyone of my BMs was asked and accepted. so now… i kinda feel like i have to say something to her about how she is not a BM.
FI suggested saying something like “i know you hate BM stuff so i want you to just enjoy my wedding as a guest” but i am afraid that will leave it open for her to say “oh no! i would love to be a BM for you!” and then it gets all kinds of awkward.
help! what would you do? would you say anything at all? if not, is that running the risk of causing problems down the road? if so? what would you say?
Post # 3
If she is really that close of a friend I think you can tell her that you always hear her complaining about wedding stuff and what goes along with it so you are sparing her the torture and want her to enjoy it as a guest. But I would point out that you clearly are aware of all the complaining that she does, so she knows why.
Post # 4
I think that is pretty clear cut. Just say ” I wanted you not to have to deal with the BM stuff, but your are still invited to the showers/bachelorette if you want.”
If i was her, i wouldnt be offended.
Post # 5
I disagree with PP- I would not bring up her not being a BM. If you already chose your BM weeks ago, its obvious that she didn’t get picked as one. Don’t rub salt in the supposed-wound by sugar coating it and assuming that she wouldn’t have wanted to be a BM anyway.
Just ask her to do a reading because you love her/she’s important to you/would love for her to be part of your wedding day. Don’t ask her to do a reading because she didn’t make the BM cut and you feel guilty.
Post # 6
@BooRadley: well i dont think she knows i have picked people because we havent really talked and i made no official announcement. that’s my issue is that i am seeing her now for the first time since everything got settled and i think it will come up.
i am not asking her to do a reading because i do not want her to do one, and as you said, it would just be out of guilt
Post # 7
@bostongirl27: I would just say “Hey Sally Mae, FI and I were talking about details of the wedding – we’d love to have you involved and we’d really appreciate it if you were a reader”. If she has any tact at all, she’s not going to ask you why she’s not a BM. And if she does ask you, just say “we wanted to keep our party small, so I only asked so and so and so and so. – you’re very important to us as well, that’s why we want you to have a different position of honor”.
ETA: Whoops, just saw that you don’t even want her to read. Well, in that case, don’t bring up the wedding at all. If she brings it up (like, “hey, how’s planning going?”) just say “Everything is going really well – I just asked my BMs last week and they said yes! I can’t wait to party with you and all of our other friends!”
Post # 8
I would only say something if she asks. It might be more hurtful to her if you go out of your way to tell her she isn’t a bridesmaid, and tell her why.
Post # 9
@bostongirl27: Basically what you said is that she hasn’t been supportive of your relationship because you don’t spend as much time with her, and so you don’t want her as part of your wedding? That seems counterintuitive to me. You’re only going to alienate her more, and make her resent your relationship more. Is this person someone you really care about? Do you love this person? Because it sounds to me lik eyou don’t really like her. If that is the case, then let her go. But don’t punish her because she is sad she doesn’t get to spend mor etime with you.
If she’s feeling crappy because you don’t put as much effort into the friendship as you used to, it’s not going to fix things by pushing her away further. Sounds like a quick way to end a friendship. If that’s what your’e going for, then you’re on the right track.
Post # 10
I vote for don’t bring it up…..if she asks specifically why she was not picked (be surprised if she did), then you can gently tell her why.
Post # 11
I wouldn’t say a word. I had a friend who wanted to be a BM and I just never brought it up and she eventually figured it out. I know she was a bit hurt, but thankfully we never had that conversation.
Post # 12
Don’t say anything to her. She has made it known that she hated wedding stuff but wants in on your wedding, so if she asks, just tell her the truth.
Post # 13
@Tangled: i do love her, but its a really long story i didnt want to get into in the OP…
basically she made things really tough on me in the beginning and now shows ZERO interest in getting to know us as a couple.
when i started dating FI she got really needy for my time. i felt 2 nights a week was enough, but i did my best to be sensitive to her feelings when she said we could not let relationships get in the way of our friendships. once she started dating her SO, all bets were off but i said nothing because it doesnt upset me. i want all my friends to be as happy and in love as i am and theres an adjustment period when a new factor is added into a social group. i did hope to get an apology once she saw how hard it can be to balance a serious relationship with work/school/family (she hadnt been in a serious relationship before) but it never came and i let it go.
since then i have tried multiple times to merge my friendship with her and my life with FI but she has spent a total of 1 hour of 1 on 1 time with FI, a lunch that she was late for and left early from because she was sick. all other interactions have been small talk at large group gatherings and for maybe a total of 30 mins overall. So we are talking 90 minutes of interaction with the man in over a year and a half. i have many times suggested double dates so i can get to know her SO and every time things fall through. in fact, the last time we hung out, we went to the movies and grabbed a bite before. i mentioned FI wanted to see the movie too and it would be nice to include him and she said he could maybe join us for the movie but dinner should only be us. so she wanted FI to eat by himself and wait alone for us until the movie, where there is no interaction at all.
while i didnt talk to her about this most recent event, i have made her aware that her lack of involvement in my relationship makes me really sad, and i think its sad that i dont know her BF either. i have told her that ultimately that needs to change because it wont be possible to be as close as we have been without it, as we arent taking time to get to know such a huge part of our friends’ lives.
so i am not punishing her, but at the same time i dont feel like a person with no interest in us as couple should be in our wedding party at all. i am not angry with her, but i can’t force her to want to get to know my FI and i certainly feel less close to her since she doesnt.
Post # 14
I think this is basically a relationship changing event here. If you don’t have her in your wedding, it may seriously be the end of your friendship with her (or at least the closeness you have). Whether or not that is right, it is probably the situation.
If she is honestly a good friend, I would lay it out for her. I would tell her that your initial thought was to have her do a reading instead of being a BM because you know from her bitching how much she hates that, but that upon reflection you feel like she hasn’t been supportive of your relationship and that it makes you sad but you don’t feel like someone who doesn’t love you as a couple should be a part of the wedding. It might be a wakeup call for her to realize that when we become adults, a lot of our friendships become “couples” friendships. Or it might make her walk away– in which case she probably isn’t someone you were going to be friends with long term anyways. I just don’t see the point in hiding your feelings from a friend.
I had something sort of similar I guess happen during my planning. I did ask my oldest friend to be a BM but I felt like she was really slacking on things and making it harder on my other BM and just basically not caring. I debated saying anything to her about it because I’m not usually one to have Relationship Talks with friends… but I realized that sometimes they are needed and if I loved her and wanted her to be in my life forever, she needed to know my feelings. We had the best 2 hour talk ever and I understood a lot of things from her perspective I didn’t know before. I really feel like it made us closer over all.
So I guess in sum, I feel like you should just be totally honest for her and let her decide if she really wants to be in your life anymore, in the capacity that you now have time for, as a mostly couple-friendship.
Post # 15
I feel like you should expect an end to your friendship after this, too.
Post # 16
@bostongirl27: I read the long story. She wanted to hang out with you more than 2 nights a week? That is a BIT over the top. Sounds like she has some dependancy issues. After reading that, I agree with PP that say you just shouldn’t say anything. She’ll get the hint.
And if she does bring it up, be honest. Tell her that you’ve given her plenty of opportunities to be a part of your relationship, and she has made it clear she doesn’t want to be. Tell her your wedding is about your marriage to your SO, not a popularity contest among your friends, so you chose people who you think honor your relationship.