(Closed) Surrounded by engagements…

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
223 posts
Helper bee

@yellowlinedpage:Ugh. I do not know how to not let it bother you, but I feel your pain!!  I wish I had some advice… it sucks.  I have at least another 9 months to go too and it feels dreadful.  πŸ™

Post # 4
Member
2588 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

Some of the convo sucked really bad because it was not just about marriage but about things he worried about me (how I let other people affect me, like when I hear about engagements)

I think this is a biggie. I understand that it’s frustrating, but you really need to work on not letting other people affect you quite as much because it’s very detrimental to your happiness. You said you were content with waiting, for the most part, until you found out that someone else got engaged. Why? If you know it’s going to happen soon, why does it matter that other people get engaged first? You’ve stated the obvious: that you thought you would be next, but you might want to reexamine your reasons for getting upset about it.

I’m guessing from the tone of your post that you and your bf do have a timeline, so maybe focus on that instead of letting other people’s engagements get to you? I think it’s very valid for him to be concerned, though.

One way to not let it bother you is to focus on what you have at this moment: a loving boyfriend, things to look forward to, etc.

I guess I’m wondering what’s going to happen once you are engaged and waiting for your wedding…will other people getting married bug you? I’m not asking to be snarky; I’m genuinely curious, because if engagements bug you so much, it would seem that weddings might have a similar effect.

Post # 5
Member
767 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I don’t mean this to be mean, but sometimes I just remind myself that life is unfair and that everyone has totally different circumstances. More recently, as I desperately search for a job but have a loving SO, I also think that you can’t be lucky in all aspects of your life.

Now that my life philosophy is out of the way, just try to focus on you and your SO. You will get engaged. It will happen. Who knows what’s going on with this other people, and what their plans are? They are on a different course than you are, and that’s okay. By making the right financial decisions you are going to be starting your lives off right, and preparing for a more secure future. Be proud! 

When I get little pangs of jealousy I just remind myself that they are not me. All the circumstances and little details are different, so I can’t compare myself. When evaluating my life I can only examine it based on how I feel and how things are going for me. I can’t concern myself with how I am doing compared to others, because then I will never be happy. There will always be someone who seemingly has it all. I don’t have it all, but I’ve got to cherish the good things I do have. 

But on a more realistic note: It sucks to wait. Really, really sucks. 

Post # 8
Member
1331 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

Every time I log onto FB it seems like another couple is engaged.  I’m happy for them (old highschool buddies), but I can’t wait until I can change my status and get all the congrats, too.  I think your conversation with your guy went extremely well, and I applaud you for deciding to save money for a down payment right now.  Get excited over dreaming about y’all’s dream house because you are going to make that happen, yay!  And 7 more months until an engagement is really not that far, just look how fast this year has flown by.  At least you know it’s coming, girl, and I am sending you happy vibes so you can cheer up and enjoy the upcoming holidays!  *hugs*

Post # 10
Member
1730 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I totally understand that I am going to have to wait a bit longer (hopefully only 7 months or so) until we can get engaged, but it still stings a little every time it is not us…

…I want to prove to the world that we are each others’. I hate it that because I was responsible and have paid my own bills for many years, am paying for my own college education, and pay for everything else I do that I have to be penalized and wait, while the people who get things handed to them have other things happen to them, like paying for a wedding, so easily.

Yeah – I’ve been fighting the green-eyed monster (have green eyes, so I guess I mean me :P), too.  Icome from a very-VERY dysfuntional background, am the only woman in my family to graduate college, not ahve any illegitimate kids, not do drugs, get arrested or be forced into rehab.  I have worked very hard, often at difficult jobs in order to get where I am, and I get frustrated that I can’t seem to get much further ahead, while I have friends who all work, don’t get me wrong, but they haven’t had the emotional upheavals or the hand-to-mouth paycheck-to-paycheck existance I’ve had.  I feel sometimes my life has all been uphill, where’s my cookie, dang it! πŸ˜› 

We’ve had the most honest talks about it in years since the engagement flu has swept over our area, and I KNOW, know know there is no way he could buy me a ring, even a small one, or pay for a wedding even if he had the inlcination to, right now.  We both work full time, but he had been out of FT work for many years while attempting to fisnish school while I was the wage earner.  Only now are we barely starting to climb out of a hole and start to be able to put some cash aside for a rainy day, and enjoy life a bit more.

He’s resistant because of issues in my family, his family, he’s got a lot of worries, but he DID say that it’s not that he doesn’t want marriage, that he’s scared and has a lot of isues of his own to take care of.  Part of the problem is that I’ve been working longer , have my degree and frankly he feels bad he’s not the major “bread-winner”.  He doesn’t feel like he’s the “man” sometimes, but I mean, short of quitting my job for a few years, I really can’t see how to fix that.  As for my family, in the first dicussion about a wedding other than “no JP”, he’s finally told me what he sees as a dream wedding (I’ve not allowed myself to plan or really think about it – looked at a few venue prices over the years, but have quashed those feelings usually – don’t want to have expectations), he’s said he feels it’s best for the man to pick the ring, so it’s a surprise and so he won’t feel I’m going to lie about wanting the cheapest one I see (that’s kinda me – I downsize what I want because I feel guilty for wanting it, and so he’ll not have to worry I feel he’s being cheap if it’s not $20,000 like a crazy friend got his fiancee (that guy makes 6 figures – not a big deal to him)) , he’s worried my jacka$$ father would try to ruin it (I’d get a retraining order before I’d let that happen), he’s upset with his family right now so he can’t see planning an event for them to attend, but can’t see not having them there either, all while starting a newly promoted job and trying to save for upkeep to the house.  He says maybe in about 2 years we can start to seriously think about it πŸ™  I think neither of us want to do this more than once, and we’ve both had parents divorce and re-marry.  My dad is on wife #3 – married her for her credit score. 

He DID buy a house about a year ago (I balked at having my name added to the title – feel very strongly about such things until we ARE married – I’d feel like it was stongarming him into staying with me for a house) and made a big point of officialy asking me to live there – he’s always said he never wanted a house, saying it’s a waste of money, it ties you to a town, it’s a lot of work and upkeep, and I know he did it partly for me instead of looking for a better apartment (we’d needed to move and the house was actually cheaper than renting was going to be for the size and finally having CHA).  I guess I kinda felt the house was a kinda step in the right direction of picking a place to live, picking a place to work, no longer dreaming of moving to the “big city” to live in a friend’s guest room while working just enough to make ends meet.

We statrted out dating just fine early in college, but then my family threw us a loop and disowned me, so we’ve had to get trhough a lot dealing with them that no one should have to deal with, let alone a guy starting out in college.  It set him back on things he wanted to do, and his desire to do them, meaning he’s about 5 years off where I think he “should” be.  He HAS stayed with me, and I am grateful for that, even if I always seem to want more.  He really HAS grown a lot in the past few years, I’m just a little frustrated that our friends have hit that magic “I’m close to 30 or 35 – time to get married” and here we are, the longest-lasting couple of 14 years and I can’t even claim to be his fiancee… I’m just his girlfriend, which feel kinda silly at our age with as long as we’ve been together.  I feel that it will be there one day, but know that it won’t be anytime soon.  I love him, don’t believe in ultimatums, but can’t always be 100% sure I’ll be happy being a “girlfriend” when I’m 60 – and that’s what makes me anxious right now.  If I decided to leave because he just says he wants me to stay but marraige is a no-go forever, I’d need to do so within the next few years, because frankly, the clock is not my friend.  I honeslty wish I have no desire for marriage – I bet it’d happend next week if that were the case πŸ˜›

@Statutory Grape:

You said you were content with waiting, for the most part, until you found out that someone else got engaged.

I’m fine with waiting on most given days… partly because I know that even if it’s a source of gossip or even ridicule, we HAVE been together longer than any of our friends.  Even if it’s not respected or recognized, we ARE the “old” married couple in our group.  The only couples we know who ahve been together longer are his older sister and her husband who met during THEIR college days and his parents/grandparents.  We’ve got everyone else “beat” by at least 3-4 years.  BUT, I want that offical commitment.  I want his last name, instead of having to blush when asked how to spell my stupid name (ties my to my a$$-father – sorry – I hate it) The desire sneaks up on me, especially during the holidays, no matter how hard I try not to let it.  Finding out someone else just got engaged, or as in my case a whole LOT of someone elses, just reiterates any doubts, questions of self-esteem issues I have about the lack of ring on my hand.  Engagement is the elelphant in the room no one wants to look at – when a friend tells you her news, the elephant just did something stinky in the corner and you can’t ignore as easily.

Post # 12
Member
177 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@PinkBubbleGum: I am always trying to remind my self that life isn’t fair and to try to see the positive about my situation.  It can be really hard and I’m not always good at it; sometimes the green eyed monsters lingers a bit too long.

On the flip side I really do appreciate my relationship with my SO and our shared history of working hard.  We are saving for a house together and have decided that I need to be engaged before that purchase is made (we already live together).  

The waiting game is really hard, thankfully there is the bee to indulge my wedding fantasies and give advice for the tough times. 

Post # 13
Member
536 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@yellowlinedpage: I totally understand how you feel.  You just have to keep your chin up.  Look at it this way, you two are planning on buying a house, that is huge!!  You really need to be happy about that and you need to understand that it is better to have a place secure to live before you get married.  Some of your friends might be engaged but they may not have their future living situation sorted out.  Lots of couples get married but then have a difficult time saving and putting money down on a house.  It puts some strain on the relationship.

My Fiance and I started to look at homes last March (before we got engaged) we still havent found anything yet and we are getting married in 11 months.  I do worry about the money we have to put into this wedding and the money we have to put down on a house.  Hopefully we find something this winter or else we have no choice but to rent.
Anyways, try to not compare your relationship to your friends.  Though they may be engaged you don’t know how great and wonderful their relationship is.  You don’t know what happens behind closed doors.

Post # 16
Member
247 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

Engagements seem to be exploding around us! All these relationships that are “younger” than ours, too. Meh.

I’m not going to deny that I get jealous and a little snippy every time a hear about YET another one (we’ve had 2-3 per month since June!).

Not to mention that myself, Mr. Anemone AND our friends are being riddled with questions about when we’ll be engaged/married.

Extra-frustrating: I know that right-this-moment is not the right time for us to get engaged. We need at least a month more, I think.

Though in the end, our engagement will be perfect for us, so I never let myself get too worked up. I just want to marry my Mr.

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