(Closed) Surviving divorce

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 4
Member
3424 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Miss Sorbet:  Gosh, sorry to hear you are going through this. ive been through a nasty divorce. My advice would be to use this time by yourself to put your feelings in order and really try to imagine living your life without him in it, going about your daily tasks, working, being at home etc. Because once it’s over it’s really over. Are you just angry right now and that’s why you’re ready to end it? ask yourself whether or not you’d still be wanting a divorce if the fight never happened.  please think long and hard before you embark on divorce, it’s ugly real ugly.

Its hard to give proper advice without really knowing the reason for your split but feel free to contact me if you’d like to talk. 

Post # 5
Member
2743 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Disney

Divorce is one of the hardest things you will ever go through. I’ve been there. Dont think the divorce will fix you it will tear you in pieces. It hurts but use that hurt to build a better you and to learn about yourself. If all you have is a crumbling foundation that is being burnt to the ground build a new one better next time with the tools you gained from the first one, but take your time to build the new one starting with yourself not anyone else.

Post # 7
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

The only thing I would say is take some time. I think you guys should work as hard as possible and get divorced when you aren’t in the heat of the moment after a nasty fight.

If you think yo are truly done and am leaving without any lingering resentments or questions, they only thing you do is be honest with him, and hope that he doesn’t take the low road and go for a nasty divorce.If at all possible get a good lawyer. Because from what you said if your husband is emotional and not happy and wants to fight for this marriage while you don’t, I can see him getting irrational.

I’m sorry and hope things start looking up for you.

Post # 8
Member
3424 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Miss Sorbet:  Well if there’s not a chance in hell of reconciliation, then I would separate for a few months before filing for divorce. I don’t know what state you live in but in IL I had to wait 6mos before I could be divorced, it took 2 yrs and over 10k to finally be done with it And we had no shared property, the home was mine before marriage and we do have a daughter but never disagreed about custody or support. Wish I could give you a great big hug girl! This won’t be easy but you will survive this! I’m proof:)

Post # 9
Member
2183 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011 - Florida Aquarium

I don’t really have any words of wisdom, but I’m sorry you’re going through this. I can only imagine how devastating it is. If you’re fully committed to it and believe it’s best, then it is the best path for you. You’ll get through it and find happiness with the support of your family and friends.

Post # 10
Member
4311 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

You should fight for him and give your marriage every iota you have before giving up.  That’s the best advice I can give you.  He should be doing the same for you.  I would have another talk to him about moving out.  You married him knowing how you felt, but people can change.  It’s work, however.  Good luck.

Post # 11
Member
11271 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@Miss Sorbet:  i’m sorry you are going through this.  i have been divorced and luckily mine was not as tough as some couples.  neither of us were angry, we just knew that we needed other things in live.  it sounds like your relationship is similar.

even though a divorce can be mutual, it will still be difficult mentally and emotionally.  this may cause a few “blow ups” when deciding things like, who’s taking this couch and that china.  just remain as amacable and respectful to each other as possible.  fairness during a divorce is also important.  some individuals want “everything”.  they feel “entitled” to it.  that’s just unrealistic and this attitude will ignite fights and prolong the whole process.  truly not necessary.

for me, the split was handled maturely and with no hard feelings.  neither of us made unrealistic requests so it was short and sweet.  it’s so much easier to move on when the divorce doesn’t completely tear you down emotionally.

good luck and if you need to chat, feel free to pm me.

Post # 12
Member
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

@deetroitwhat:  I agree. 

OP, I’m sorry you are going through this. I don’t really have any other advice except to seek out  support from friends, family, and individual counseling. 

Post # 13
Member
1069 posts
Bumble bee

This sounds exactly what I went through. I won’t lie, the actual leaving and divorce was one of the hardest things I’ve ever been through. Was it all worth it? Absolutely!!! I have no regrets whatsoever and it was the best thing I have ever done. At times it feels like it’s a long, dark and lonely tunnel but believe me, there’s light at the end of it and it’s brighter than you can imagine!

I had the same feelings that you did during my engagement… I just felt like something wasn’t right. We were young, he proposed because everyone said he should and I said yes because it was either break up or getting married. I wasn’t ready for either but I figured I could learn to be ready for marriage so I went with that one. I knew at the wedding it was a mistake and I knew throughout the marriage that it was a mistake… it still took me some time to build up the courage to actually leave though.

Our divorce started out as me leaving him, then it turned into mutual and “we’ll still be friends”. We’re not still friends, and we have nothing to do with each other. During the actual divorce and us starting to move out, things got ugly and we ended up fighting about some stuff and no longer talk. I think it’s better this way.

I just want to say that you will be fine! You will learn so much about yourself in this process and come out a stronger woman. You are so young and somewhere out there is someone amazing for you who will make you realise why this marriage didn’t work out.

*hugs* we’re all here if you need to chat!

Post # 14
Member
7490 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I’m so sorry you are going through this.  I’m not going to lie- divorce broke me and my spirit. And my divorce was not even nasty.  It was just the coming to terms with it being over and what I perceived as a major failure in my own life (no one else made me feel that way).  I think you are fortunate in that you are so young to be able to start over.  Better to end it now than be miserable for decades.

Post # 15
Member
11418 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I am so sorry you and your Darling Husband are experiencing this. Quite honestly, while there are some exceptions, marriage is incredibly difficult for most people at least at some point in their married lives.

Marriage really is unlike any other relationship, because, if you’ll permit me to use a Biblical reference, it truly is like two oxen being yoked together. Unless both of them want to go in the same direction at the same time, it’s difficult to move forward. It’s no fun being dragged, and it’s exhausting to pull with all of your might  in one direction, while someone else is pulling equally as hard in the opposite.

Although those of us who have taken traditional marriage vows promise to remain with our spouses “for better and for worse,” few of us ever suspect that the worse will come before the better.  In fact, it can be devastating when all of our lofty hopes and dreams for wedded bliss collide with the realities and pain of trying to merge our lives with that of another individual.

I truly believe that a marriage cannot survive unless both parties are more  committed to the success of the marriage than they are to their own, individual happiness. Although, in a good marriage, both people should be able to thrive as individuals and  together, when one partner begins — or both partners begin — to place their own self  interests ahead of the marriage, the marriage begins to suffer.

You are not alone. Although I do know a very small number of couples who are ridiculously, blissfully happy, the vast majority of couples I know either have struggled or are now struggling in their marriages.  Many of those who haven’t yet struggled likely will at some point in the future.

I would encourage you and your husband not to be too quick to give up on your marriage.  Often, the gems of life have to be mined through hard work, tears, and pain, but they are  there, waiting to be found — if you both truly want to find them.

I also would be happy to recommend some resources that you both may find helpful.

Post # 16
Member
753 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I was just wondering, how long have you guys actually lived together? Because sometimes the first couple years can be difficult when you’re learning how to share a space with another person 24/7.

I’m not anti-divorce if people are truly unhappy, and you know yourself. If you guys have seriously exhausted every outlet then there’s no sense in staying in a relationship that clearly isn’t working for either of you. Just take away lessons from this whole ordeal and come out a wiser person. Seek comfort from family and friends and maybe look into counseling. Just do what you know is best for you. You will be ok! <3 

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