(Closed) Suspended my engagement, freaking out!

posted 4 years ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
1472 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

Bee i know you said you love him and dont want to lose him, but the reality is, i dont think your relationship is going to work, and here is why: 

1. The only reason why we stayed together through some rough patches years ago was because he was afraid that I would not be okay ever again if he broke up with me.- This is a big one. Please do not stay with someone who is only staying with you to “save you” from heartache. That’s a slap in the face to you, and if this is truly how he feels and he didn’t just say this out of anger, then he is being unfair to you and to himself. I’m sorry bee but that’s not a reason to stay with someone and the fact that he says it like he’s doing you a “favor” by staying with you is scum. I can’t stress this enough: be with someone who wants to be with you because he WANTS to be with you. This reason he gave you is insane. 

2. The reason we are now engaged is because he told me that if I stopped nagging him about getting engaged, he would stop feeling pushed and just do it on his own. I stopped and he then felt contractually obligated to propose.- Again, why would you want to be with someone who only feels obligated to be with you. I would never want a man to propose to me because he feels like he has to, but because thats what he wants from the bottom of his heart. 

I think you really need to step back and analyze everything. This definately isnt a way to start off a marriage. Please don’t waste your time staying with him until he feels like he “wants” to marry you because if he doesnt by now, he probably never will. I know this may be hard for you to swallow but trust me when i say this that there is someone out there for you who will love you deeply and truly want to marry you and treat you the way you need to be treated. Hope this helps bee.  

 

 

Post # 3
Member
5944 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

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snowshoe87:  Yeah, those would be 2 big ones for me, too. I think you did the right thing. And this part:

He says “if that is what you want” and that is where I get hung up (annnd anxious!). I don’t know if he can ever get past this doormat thing. I want him to be expressive, honest, and open but he defaults to pleasing me–when, ironically, what would please me most would be his involvement and honesty. Passion. Something!!!

He is who he is. He’s a pleaser and and it sounds like you want something else. He’s not a passionate, expressive, open, honest person. 

 

Post # 4
Member
223 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

“He struggles with feeling personally responsible for my happiness and says he walks on eggshells about setting off my anxiety.”

Is this something he said in anger or does he definitely feel this way? If so, this is a really hard thing to go back from… it sounds to me like not only is the relationship unhealthy, but that this relationship has led you into an unhealthy place personally. When you are with the right person, you are the best version of yourselves. Yes, hard times will happen. But it sounds like this relationship has turned you into not your best self.

I personally think you should break up, step away. Work on yourself. Then see, maybe once you are in a healthy place, the relationship will be right. Or maybe you will see that this man is acutally not the best match for the healthy you.

At the very least, once people start to associate negative behaviors with a partner it is VERY hard to break out of those habits. Relationship dynamics are a difficult thing to change. Usually only big lifestyle changing events like a baby or long term unemplyoment will change the dynamic. I think its going to be much much more difficult to change this relationship’s dynamic than you think

Post # 5
Member
569 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2016 - Temecula, California

View original reply
snowshoe87:  I’m sorry that sounds tough.  It must be really really hard being with someone for 4.5 years and finding out that he felt like he “had” to.  That would make me feel terrible…and really pissed.  You want someone to marry you because they can’t imagine their life without you, not because they feel like they need to save you. First I would ask him if this is how he truly feels or was he just saying something to hurt you in the moment? It might be time to do some self discovery work and learn to love yourself fully first.  If you feel like you want to do that with him, make it seem like you guys have just started dating again.  Maybe start fresh with him.  This may help take off pressure from him.  Good luck 🙂

Post # 6
Member
900 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

“he was afraid that I would not be okay ever again if he broke up with me.”

Wow, he really thinks highly of himself. >.>

Move on Bee. 

Seriously, what would be the advice that comes to your head if it were me coming to you for advice? “My boyfriend proposed to me – not because he loves me or genuinely wants to marry me – but because he felt contractually obligated to propose to me. Oh, and he’s also really only stuck with me because he thinks I am such an infinitely weak woman that I would just crumble into dust and never recover if he left me. So he just stays. And not as an honest guy but as a guy who is kind of afraid of me, so he is very careful with every single little thing he says and does. But you know, all for my own sake. Because god forbid he would want to stay for his own sake.”

This fight you had was good. He did you a favor by finally being honest. Now do both yourselves a favor and leave.

Post # 7
Member
33 posts
Newbee

I think it takes a lot of maturity to suspend an engagement if you’re not sure, and I really respect your decision.  You have to assume that a person will not change and that they will not be different in marriage than they are today.  He might change, but assuming he didn’t, could you live with this “doormat” personality for 50+ years? This dynamic will follow you through major financial decisions, decisions about children and raising them, career and moving decisions, on and on. Decide what you are willing to put up with forever and what you are not, but don’t make decisions based on assumptions that a person will change. Sending love and support your way.

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