Swallowing my pride…..

posted 5 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
338 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I would honestly recommend going to a therapist and discussing how you’ve been feeling. It can really help to get feedback and direction from a professional. And, your issues aren’t going to go away once you start dating someone. Work on yourself first.

Post # 3
Member
962 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

Sorry you had to go through that. it sounds like you’ve done some good work on trying to heal. Are you currently seeing a therapist? I have PTSD from past abuse, which has resulted in me having nightmares frequently. I’ve found that working through it with a therapist specializing in trauma recovery has helped a lot.

Post # 4
Member
94 posts
Worker bee

Oh Lord, what I’m hearing is how hard you’re being on yourself! That is what concerns me after reading this, not whether you’re “pathetic” or a “failure” or “absolutely suck” (strong words to use against yourself!). I would echo PPs and suggest therapy because you are clearly not “okay now”. Being suicidal is not the only definition of self-harm, and what you’re going through seems to hinge upon the fact that you are punishing yourself for not being good enough. Your subconscious is clearly sending you signals in the form of chronic nightmares that this is something you need to address. A good therapist can help you figure out the reasons behind your feelings and how to navigate them healthily.

Good luck and many hugs!

Post # 5
Member
673 posts
Busy bee

pollygirl10 :  

All the negative self-talk which came through from your post alone made my heart break for you.

“I also felt if the relationship ended I would be a failure.”

“Yes. I let them take me for granted.”

“the mistake I made big time”

“It stupid I know.”

“Pathetic? Yeah.”

“I’m fully aware I absolutely suck at handling it.”

If this is how you talk about yourself on a forum, I absolutely shudder to think the things you must be saying to yourself and about yourself in your real life.

Self-love is the place to start. It is the basis for all love. You absolutely cannot love anyone else or attract anyone healthy or have a strong, loving relationship until you love yourself.

You will tend to have less defenses against emotionally damaged, unloving and abusive people until you learn to treat yourself with high standards of love and kindness.

Work on the love relationship with yourself.

Post # 6
Member
38 posts
Newbee

As a clinician I tend to avoid the use of usual and unusual. I say this because people handle and process things differently. What I base my assessment off of is whether or not the client thinks that the behavior/feelings are problematic in their lives. There are exceptions to this rule (ie someone not believing their drinking is a problem/if someone goes off their meds and are acting in an unsafe manner, etc.). 

For you, it seems like these feelings and nightmares cause you distress and you are feeling alone and miserable. It is extremely difficult to go through life feeling like this on an almost daily basis and I commend you for being able to speak your truth. I believe that a PP suggested therapy and I think that would be incredibly helpful for you. Diet and exercise is great, but it’s not necessary a catch all to solving problems.

 

I feel as though you probably should avoid dating for now until you address your potential trauma and anxiety related to your past relationships. You can’t give a relationship your all when your emotional bank is running on empty. Therapy can help you gain tools, and could also help boost your emotional energy supply. It might take some time to locate the right therapist. It also might take time to make progress. It’s all part of your journey. You can get through this! You took a huge step by telling your story and admitting that you are struggling. You’re on the right path, keep going. 

Post # 8
Member
289 posts
Helper bee

indigobee :  “Work on the love relationship with yourself”

Couldn’t have said it better myself! OP, you need to understand that the people you date, your relationships, nond of that defines you. It might contribute to your happiness, but only after you figure out who YOU are. I know it’s hard, and you probably should get some professional help (it doesn’t mean that something is wrong with you, therapists are good at helping people sort out what’s in their head). You need to find a way to be content with what you have, only then you’ll be able to build a healthy relationship. 

Post # 9
Member
419 posts
Helper bee

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and I’m sorry you’ve had such negative experiences with dating. I had some lousy relationships in the past too; it can really do a number on your self-esteem. You sound very much like me. I take my relationships seriously and I only looked for guys I could have a meaningful connection with. I had no desire to casually date random guys just to pass the time. I did spend a lot of time being single between relationships, partially because it took quite some time for me to get over each failed relationship and partially because it wasn’t easy for me to find guys I was compatible with.

I think you and I are just sensitive people. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, but in western culture, being sensitive is often seen as a flaw. When a relationship ends, we’re supposed to just get over it and find someone else. When other people treat us badly, we’re supposed to brush it off and not let it affect our self-esteem. I don’t know about you, but I’m not wired that way. I don’t think you suck at handling breakups, I just think you feel more deeply than most people, so it’s harder to let go of past hurts and betrayals.

I don’t really have any good advice in terms of dating, but I will say that I started feeling better about myself once I learned to accept that sensitive is just how I was made. It’s not a character flaw, and in fact it’s quite beneficial for all the people in my life, because I’m sensitive to their feelings as well. If you can spend time with close friends who appreciate you for being a sensitive, caring person, that can help tremendously.

Post # 10
Member
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

Bee, as you already said, you’re suffering from low self-esteem and are very afraid of being abandoned, this is not pathetic and obviously feeling like this makes you feel bad about yourself on top of everything else. 

I would highly recommend you seeing a therapist to work on and through your issues. Your thought schemes are highly destructive, especially the blaming yourself part. I know what I’m talking about, and although one is able to realise all that and see what the dynamics are, sometimes we need guidance from the outside.

Post # 11
Member
667 posts
Busy bee

hey Bee,

a lot of what you said resonates with me- and I just want to say, YOU ARE OKAY and you are great, broken parts and all- you’ve asked everyone to be kind, but you’re not being kind to you- the names you’re calling. 

It can be hard to heal. It can also be really hard to let go, even when (maybe especially when) something is unhealthy. There can be a part of us that just feels if we could *fix* whatever it is in us that sparks someone to treat us badly, we’d finally win. but that isn’t how it works. People don’t treat you badly because of who you are or anything you did- they treated you badly because that’s how they treat others. 

There isn’t some better person out there somewhere whom they would treat better. 

I used to work extra hard to be perfect, thinking I’d finally be great enough to win the kind of loving behavior I was giving. I had no idea that’s just not how it works. You can be an absolutely impeccable, loving, forgiving, kind, empathetic, compassionate, patient soul, and someone’s still going to treat you like garbage because that is their own damage, and those are the lenses they are wearing. Someone’s still going to turn around and accuse you of their own garbage behavior, because they can’t look at their own reflection in the mirror or begin to address their own crap.

The flashbacks. The nightmares- these things can be healed. they will be. just tell yourself every day that this is your gladiator’s arena, and it’s really horrible right now, but one day you’ll have healed this, and one day, what hurts you so badly now will give you the tools you need to move forward into a better life than old you ever thought possible. Because old you, before the wounds happened, didn’t love herself or believe in herself, and so this is her time to learn that the love she gives herself, the words she gives herself, the compassion and care she gives herself, will equal her armor. And then what happens is that when you’re wearing the armor built by self-love, if someone speaks crap to you, youll discover you CANNOT tolerate it. 

the kinder you can be to yourself, the less you will suffer unkindness toward you. it will still happen, but it will only happen once – your armor will cause you to walk AWAY from it. to know that it’s not you, it’s them, and they are going to behave that way to all. Whomever he is who broke your heart, he’s not out in the world giving someone something he couldn’t give you. It doesn’t work that way. 

So for now. find help, and also know you’re NOT alone. at all! you are not weird and there’s nothing to be ashamed of. 

Post # 12
Member
4712 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

Yes, yes and yes to all the above posters’ advice. Wanted to add that it seems like you go from one serious relationship to the next, locked in, without any other options at the time. This is a huge mistake. I understand that you come from a culture where dating is frowned upon but you need to date more people, casually, and only when you feel that one person stands out the most, clicks all the right boxes, do you commit to them and go exclusive. Also leave a relationship at the first sign of a red flag. You seem to stay in these bad relationships too long.

** The advice above is meant for when you have truly worked on yourself and are ready to date again.

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