- 2 months ago
This isn’t easy for me to admit or type out. But I’ve been suffering a lot recently and I decided to try out this forum for the first time. Please try to be understanding and try to think where I am coming from.
Short background on me. I come from a religious background that is non-American. (Unwilling to disclose which). We believe marriages are for a lifetime, and dating is frowned upon although it’s becoming more and more common in the last decade. This isn’t the issue.
Comming from this type of background means I barely had any experience in dating or the pitfalls to avoid. I was in 3 relationships. One broke up with me right before I had surgery (jerk). Three years later I dated another who cheated on me with his best friend. 6 months after that I dated someone who was still in love with his ex. He was also emotionally abusive. It isn’t an exaggeration to say it caused me to hit rock bottom and I had suicidal tendencies for a good year. Not to worry, I am fine and ok now!
…..it’s been 4 years since I last dated anyone. I would be lying if I said my self confidence didn’t take a plunge like crazy. These guys all treated me like crap. They all chased after me and I (the mistake I made big time) was not leaving when I could have. I admit. I was terrified of being alone and I didn’t want to be, and I also felt if the relationship ended I would be a failure. I can’t explain why I feel this way. I just do. So I did everything I could to salvage each one. I got dumped everytime. Yes. I let them take me for granted. I’ve been working on my self confidence these last 4 years. It’s gotten much better. I’ve also worked on laying to rest the rage I felt forwards these people.
However. It’s not enough. For the last 5 months I’ve been having re-occurring nightmares. It stupid I know. It’s usually about how I find someone I like, or I marry someone, and i find them cheating or lying about their ex. Or I wake up crying he wanted to end things after 6 years.
Pathetic? Yeah. But this is seriously what I’m going through. I don’t know how to make it stop. It’s affecting my mental happiness the next day when I get these. I feel lonely fatigued and scared. I don’t know if this is usual or unusual? Please be kind with your responses.
Im not the type to causally date- I actually hate it. I don’t like to form meaningless bonds without a direction….. that is why I didn’t jump into dating sites and put myself out there. I also needed time to heal.
Last year I also realized I can’t attend weddings. I walked in so happy for the bride and excited to eat food…. only to excuse myself early to go cry the rest of the night. It took me by surprise. I stopped going to any after that.
I’m fully aware other people date and breakup all the time. I’m fully aware I absolutely suck at handling it.
ive doing my best trying to diet, exercise, make new friends and all that. But it hasn’t been doing much but I’ll keep trying.
Does…. anyone have any advice or thoughts. I just feel alone and miserable. It is affecting my confidence in other areas like career. When I get these nightmares I get so affected I feel out of it the next day and can’t get anything done. That’s why I’m swallowing my pride and admitting this is happening.