(Closed) Sweet now I’m crying and guilty

posted 6 years ago in Parties
Post # 3
853 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Sounds like you need to have a good, long conversation with this bride and let her know that you’ll need to change some things. I’d suggest:

– skip the bachelorette party – some people just can’t afford it, and it’s more important to you both to be at the wedding (see if you can do an alternate mini party with just the two of you – for example, take her out to lunch and spend an afternoon walking a beautiful garden or seeing a movie)

– skip the bachelorette spa party on the day of the wedding unless she can help you out with those costs

– see what kind of hotels you may be able to find on Groupon or other similar sites

– check out sales, sales, sales for your kids’ clothing

If she is truly your friend and wants you to be a part of her life, she should understand.

Post # 4
3121 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@hisprettygirl:  Great advice.


If you are part of her wedding, she should be someone you can approach.  I really think(hope!) anyone would respect what you’re saying in terms that it’s what’s best for your family.  The other bridesmaids don’t have kids to consider, from what it sounds like, so I think you are well within your right to do this.  Good luck!

Post # 5
14496 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@hisprettygirl:  I agree.

 @TequilaSunrise:  If the budget I could come up with for my own wedding was $5k, I would not be spending 20% of that for someone elses, no matter how close I am to them (it sounds like this is your sis in law?), especially if I have children also.  I’m sorry, but my MY family and children would have to come first.  There would be no weekend bachlorette party, spa days if I cannot truely afford it easily.  Maybe if I was single, but not when I have a family to worry about.

Post # 8
1093 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

IA that you need to talk to the bride.  The dress is one thing- I think $230 is insane, personally, but I guess that’s not so far beyond the pale.  But the hair and makeup- is she insisting you get hair and makeup done?  Because if she is, she really needs to be paying for it.  You need to ask her if it’s ok if you skip it.  And rethink this bachelorette party.  It sounds like it would save you a TON of money to skip it, although it does kind of put the bride in the crappy spot of driving by herself.

Can you talk to the other girls privately, and just tell them you’re struggling with the fincances involved in the trip?  I was friends with a bride once who had four bridesmaids, and one was in college, so I know after she talked to the other girls they were willing and able to take a lot of the financial pressure off her (for example, instead of contributing to the shower financially, she ran around and did a lot of the errands in the days leading up to it, which her more flexible class schedule allowed. Not saying this’ll work for your situation, but maybe thinking creatively like that might help).

I think you really need to talk to the bride first though. She might honestly not realize the straits you’re in- I know if one of my BM’s came to me and said “Look, I want to be up there with you, but I’m just not able to keep up financially,” I’d be doing everything I could to make sure she wasn’t under so much pressure.

Post # 9
11167 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

I don’t think there is anything wrong with being honest with this bride.

We are foregoing a party in Las Vegas because we know that not everyone can afford it. Would it be nice? Yes. But we would rather celebrate with everyone rather than only the select few that have some extra cash.

A bride, while not always, should be reasonable that money sadly does not grow on trees. If you can’t afford it then just tell them as much.

Post # 11
2247 posts
Buzzing bee

Wtf?!  Who fell and hit their head and decided that brides need these outrageous Bachelorette parties, on top of everything else??  I get so sick of seeing crap like this!  There is NO WAY IN HELL I would ever demand that my BMs take and fund trips out of town, and then command that they eat in certain restuarants, etc.  Times have been hard for people.  Gas prices are rising and continuing to rise.  I just don’t see how anyone had the gaul to plan (whether the bride did, or the other BMs) a trip like this without considering your finances and family.   It would be different if they’d said, “Hey, we’re all going on a trip to Nashville.  If you wanna come, we’ll split costs, but you are in no way obligated to attend if you can’t afford it.” 

I guess I am just passionate about this because nobody I know has ever had, or thought about having, a bachelorette party of this nature.  For her bachelorette party to be 20% of your wedding budget, it is absurd of them to expect you to participate in this.

I would just be totally honest with the bride and tell her you can’t make this trip.  Don’t feel bad or guilty, whatsoever!  You are not at fault here, in any way.  Hopefully your friend will be gracious and understanding!

Post # 12
869 posts
Busy bee

@TequilaSunrise:  Hopefully things work out.  I hear you – I have the same “guilty” feeling some days – I stay home with our little girl while Fiance works.  The bees above have some great suggestions.  Not sure what colours your brother and his Fiance have chosen, but I thought I’d post this link just incase….  I was in Old Navy a couple days ago and saw this dress for a little girl – I thought it would make a super cute flower girl dress… $35.


Maybe check Craigslist to see if you can find any second hand flower girl/ ring bearer attire?  Best of luck to you!! 🙂



Post # 14
14496 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@TequilaSunrise:  Make sure to check TJ Maxx and Marshells around Easter time and even after.  I got my flower girl dress last year there for $20 on clearance.  They have a pretty good varitey of yellows, pink and white dresses, and even some purple last year.  And if there’s a Burlington coat factory near you, check that out for boys suits, found mine there for $30 for 3 piece suit. Good luck!

Post # 15
1572 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

One should never feel bad or guilty for their financial situation. It is out of your hands and that is a big bill. Fiance paid the same amount for a wedding we stood up in and we don’t have kids and it was a lot. If you are close to the bride and obviously you are to the groom, I would have a talk with both. Those are his nieces/nephews…they should understand where you are coming from. 

Post # 16
705 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Definitely talk to her about money.  People don’t always think about that sort of stuff-I have a gist of what my friends can afford but I depend on my girls to tell me specifics–I’m not rich and I’ve definitely been like “girl, I can’t pay for this” and most of my friends have been understanding.  Expecting a person to drop $1000 on someone else’s wedding is absurd, no matter what your finances are.  Also, see if the in laws will pay for flower girl/ring bearer attire.

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