Post # 1
So, another Bee posted about the cost of bachelorette party. It got me thinking of the upcoming bachelorette party that I’m involved in. Check my e-mails and the other bridesmaids and bride have sent me some group e-mails. We are going to Nashville Tn. for her party. 8 hour drive for me, but the bride and I will be driving together so we will get to split that cost. We are staying at the Hilton Inn Dowtown. Just a simple little price of $279 per night. Luckily we are bunking up so it will be $139 for two night with 4 people sharing. Then the bride has a list of restaurants and bars she wants to go to. She has stated that she really want the whole tradition like t-shirts the penis suckers, gag gifts…It’s awesome and great, but I’m the poorest bridesmaid of them all. The other two don’t blink an eye at the fact that they are flying into nashville.
It gets worse. There wedding is a 7 hour drive from our house. Rehearsal dinner is on a Thursday and wedding friday evening. That’s two more nights in a hotel, gas, and Fiance has to take time off work. Our children are also in the wedding which still need there clothing. I already bought my bridesmaid dress for $230The bride has set up a salon morning for the bridemaids.(hair, nails, and makeup) We are paying…This whole sha-bang will easily reach $1000 for our family. That doesn’t include the 3 days Fiance will miss from work.
It gets worse. I don’t work. I raise the kids and am a college student. This is all on my Fiance. He has to pay for everything and he’s not even that close with my brother. I feel terrible and guilty. My brother and his Fiance have waited a really long time to get married and do things this way. I didn’t know it would cost me this much money to be part of their wedding. I know they deserve this but as there budget continues to grow they expect that ours does too. No one else is having a problem keeping up except for us since they are all on a double income. This is just a vent I guess.
I wish I could get a job but thats out of the question. My Fiance works sun up to sun down monday through saturday and on occasion sunday. There would be no one to be with the kids.
I just feel angry and guilty and everything right now. Like hey I’m so exited and happy for you but MY wedding budget is only $5000 and I am expected to put forth at least so far $1000 into your wedding.
Post # 3
Sounds like you need to have a good, long conversation with this bride and let her know that you’ll need to change some things. I’d suggest:
– skip the bachelorette party – some people just can’t afford it, and it’s more important to you both to be at the wedding (see if you can do an alternate mini party with just the two of you – for example, take her out to lunch and spend an afternoon walking a beautiful garden or seeing a movie)
– skip the bachelorette spa party on the day of the wedding unless she can help you out with those costs
– see what kind of hotels you may be able to find on Groupon or other similar sites
– check out sales, sales, sales for your kids’ clothing
If she is truly your friend and wants you to be a part of her life, she should understand.
Post # 4
@hisprettygirl: Great advice.
If you are part of her wedding, she should be someone you can approach. I really think(hope!) anyone would respect what you’re saying in terms that it’s what’s best for your family. The other bridesmaids don’t have kids to consider, from what it sounds like, so I think you are well within your right to do this. Good luck!
Post # 5
@hisprettygirl: I agree.
@TequilaSunrise: If the budget I could come up with for my own wedding was $5k, I would not be spending 20% of that for someone elses, no matter how close I am to them (it sounds like this is your sis in law?), especially if I have children also. I’m sorry, but my MY family and children would have to come first. There would be no weekend bachlorette party, spa days if I cannot truely afford it easily. Maybe if I was single, but not when I have a family to worry about.
Post # 6
Thanks for the advice. Did I mention that this is my brothers FI? I don’t mean kids cloths in general. I meant the flower girl dress and ring bearer tux. I will definitely try to find those on sale though. Sorry it probably came of rambled because I had just read the e-mail and told my Fiance about it. We could afford the bachelor trip…but then you add everything else and i’m in over my head using FI’s money..It is just that it comes out of our little savings that we keep for weekend getaways during the summer. I feel like if I’m spending my FI’s money than he should be there to enjoy it with me.
You’re right. I do need to talk with her. I just wanted everything to be perfect for her. I don’t want my hair and makeup to be all “off” because I did it by myself rather than the same people that do the other girls hair and such. I thought it would mess up her pictures…I guess since it’s my brother and his Fiance that they would be a little more mindful of our budget since my brother knows pretty much knows how much we make and where we put our money. I didn’t think it would come to this uncomfortable conversation. Ugh…I’m feeling better now that I could spill the truth to everyone lol..on weddingbee that is.
I know they would do the same for me…But I just wouldn’t do that to them I guess….prolly a selfish statement
Post # 7
@hisprettygirl: Great advice! I agree.
Post # 8
IA that you need to talk to the bride. The dress is one thing- I think $230 is insane, personally, but I guess that’s not so far beyond the pale. But the hair and makeup- is she insisting you get hair and makeup done? Because if she is, she really needs to be paying for it. You need to ask her if it’s ok if you skip it. And rethink this bachelorette party. It sounds like it would save you a TON of money to skip it, although it does kind of put the bride in the crappy spot of driving by herself.
Can you talk to the other girls privately, and just tell them you’re struggling with the fincances involved in the trip? I was friends with a bride once who had four bridesmaids, and one was in college, so I know after she talked to the other girls they were willing and able to take a lot of the financial pressure off her (for example, instead of contributing to the shower financially, she ran around and did a lot of the errands in the days leading up to it, which her more flexible class schedule allowed. Not saying this’ll work for your situation, but maybe thinking creatively like that might help).
I think you really need to talk to the bride first though. She might honestly not realize the straits you’re in- I know if one of my BM’s came to me and said “Look, I want to be up there with you, but I’m just not able to keep up financially,” I’d be doing everything I could to make sure she wasn’t under so much pressure.
Post # 9
I don’t think there is anything wrong with being honest with this bride.
We are foregoing a party in Las Vegas because we know that not everyone can afford it. Would it be nice? Yes. But we would rather celebrate with everyone rather than only the select few that have some extra cash.
A bride, while not always, should be reasonable that money sadly does not grow on trees. If you can’t afford it then just tell them as much.
Post # 10
You Bees are all right! Thank you for the advice. Like a pp said it is 20% of my wedding budget. I didn’t even spend $230 on my wedding dress!
Post # 11
Wtf?! Who fell and hit their head and decided that brides need these outrageous Bachelorette parties, on top of everything else?? I get so sick of seeing crap like this! There is NO WAY IN HELL I would ever demand that my BMs take and fund trips out of town, and then command that they eat in certain restuarants, etc. Times have been hard for people. Gas prices are rising and continuing to rise. I just don’t see how anyone had the gaul to plan (whether the bride did, or the other BMs) a trip like this without considering your finances and family. It would be different if they’d said, “Hey, we’re all going on a trip to Nashville. If you wanna come, we’ll split costs, but you are in no way obligated to attend if you can’t afford it.”
I guess I am just passionate about this because nobody I know has ever had, or thought about having, a bachelorette party of this nature. For her bachelorette party to be 20% of your wedding budget, it is absurd of them to expect you to participate in this.
I would just be totally honest with the bride and tell her you can’t make this trip. Don’t feel bad or guilty, whatsoever! You are not at fault here, in any way. Hopefully your friend will be gracious and understanding!
Post # 12
@TequilaSunrise: Hopefully things work out. I hear you – I have the same “guilty” feeling some days – I stay home with our little girl while Fiance works. The bees above have some great suggestions. Not sure what colours your brother and his Fiance have chosen, but I thought I’d post this link just incase…. I was in Old Navy a couple days ago and saw this dress for a little girl – I thought it would make a super cute flower girl dress… $35.
Maybe check Craigslist to see if you can find any second hand flower girl/ ring bearer attire? Best of luck to you!! 🙂
Post # 13
@MalbecMe: Thanks for the link. The are doing fall colors. That dress would be the perfect flower girl dress for our wedding tho! Thank you everyone for your support!
Post # 14
@TequilaSunrise: Make sure to check TJ Maxx and Marshells around Easter time and even after. I got my flower girl dress last year there for $20 on clearance. They have a pretty good varitey of yellows, pink and white dresses, and even some purple last year. And if there’s a Burlington coat factory near you, check that out for boys suits, found mine there for $30 for 3 piece suit. Good luck!
Post # 15
One should never feel bad or guilty for their financial situation. It is out of your hands and that is a big bill. Fiance paid the same amount for a wedding we stood up in and we don’t have kids and it was a lot. If you are close to the bride and obviously you are to the groom, I would have a talk with both. Those are his nieces/nephews…they should understand where you are coming from.
Post # 16
Definitely talk to her about money. People don’t always think about that sort of stuff-I have a gist of what my friends can afford but I depend on my girls to tell me specifics–I’m not rich and I’ve definitely been like “girl, I can’t pay for this” and most of my friends have been understanding. Expecting a person to drop $1000 on someone else’s wedding is absurd, no matter what your finances are. Also, see if the in laws will pay for flower girl/ring bearer attire.