(Closed) “Tacky” rehearsal dinner?

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

If you want it somewhere else then you should pay for it.

Asking someone to spend more money than what they have offered sounds bratty to me.  We sat down with FI’s dad (by the way our families sound the exact same so I feel ya on the frustration) and asked how much money would he be willing to spend on the rehearsal dinner. He told us $800. The places that we would want cost around $2k so we are paying for the remainder of it. We’re happy he’s participating at all, because we didnt’ think that they would.

Post # 4
Member
6394 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

Is there any way you could talk her into a backyard barbeque at your parents’ house and then just have her foot part of the bill? It might be better to do that and be able to add your own touches to it than have your rehearsal at what I’m imagining is like Chuck-E-Cheese…

Post # 5
Member
705 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

It doesn’t sound like a desirable situation, but I’m afraid if you want something else either you or your parents will have to pay. 

Post # 6
Member
1986 posts
Buzzing bee

@heatherrobyn: You shouldn’t have asked your Future Mother-In-Law in the first place to host the Rehearsal dinner, if she had wanted to she would have offered. That said, now that you forced her to host, you can accept the dinner she’s hosting, or pay for one more your tastes yourself.

 

Post # 7
Member
375 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Yikes.  That sucks!  Can you ask her to give your Fiance the money she plans on putting into it and then you guys can take care of the rest?  i.e. additonal cost, planning

I feel for you!

Post # 8
Member
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I agree with some of the others.  If that is what your Future Mother-In-Law is interested in hosting, as the host, she has the right to do that.  Maybe you can do as someone else did – she is willing to contribute the cost of what that might have been, and you and your Fiance can pay for the difference at the place you really envisioned having your rehearsal dinner.  

 

Post # 9
Member
2090 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

What I would do is host the rehearsal dinner myself. My family sounds exactly like your family about meals – except that we’re raging liberals and not conservative/traditional at all lol so I wouldn’t be happy with having my rehearsal dinner at a place like that either, to be honest.

But, I think if you are going to set rules, then you need to be willing to pay for what you want.

Maybe a middle ground could be that you and your FH pick out a place, or 2, where you would like to have the rehearsal dinner held, and ask his parents if they wouldn’t mind splitting the cost with you and your FH.

Do you know anyone with a backyard large enough to host? We had our rehearsal dinner at a private home, about 30 people came and it was relaxed without being cheesy. We had a lobster bake (we’re from Maine), steaks/chicken, a bunch of different salads and appetizers. I made most of the food ahead of time, a couple aunts/uncles did the cooking (manning the BBQ basically), and everyone had a blast. It was pretty cheap too – cheaper than a restaurant.

Post # 10
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee

I’m sorry but I agree with everyone else.  If you’re not happy with what they’re willing to provide, you should be the one to pay for what you want.  You would never get a birthday or Christmas gift and tell somebody that they didn’t spend enough money on it because that would be rude.  It’s just as rude to tell his parents that they didn’t spend enough money.  If I were in your shoes, I would be grateful for the fact that they’re willing to thow you a rehearsal dinner at all and accept what they have offered.

Post # 11
Member
1883 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I think that sounds like a horrible rehearsal dinner. There are ways to be cheap without being…um…cheap. lol. I would just plan my own rehearsal bbq and not involve them at all in the planning process. I know that is crappy advice, but as Dana Carvey once wisely said ““You cannot pee in a Mr. Coffee and get Taster’s Choice.” (um..showing my age much?) If you want something nice and classy you are going to have to step up to the plate. It isn’t going to happen with your in laws, I’m afraid.

Post # 12
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I so don’t buy the “whoever pays makes all the decisions” rule – at least for myself. When I have kids, I fully plan on giving them a dollar amount I can afford, and letting them do whatever they want with it. It’s YOUR wedding – you should have a say! The wedding is a gift to you guys, I wish more mom/MIL-zillas recognized that. Maybe you could compromise and ask her what she’s willing to spend, and ask her if you could make up the difference at a place that is appealing to you? That’s what we did – we used the money my Father-In-Law would have spent on the rehearsal dinner and upgraded to a sushi lounge. It was so awesome that it was almost cooler than our wedding.

Good luck dealing with her! I’m totally on your side in all of this.

Post # 13
Member
3709 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@heatherrobyn: I think that you should ask your Future Mother-In-Law what she can contribute and then apply that to the type of rehearsal dinner you want to host. Just like your parents were only able to contribute 40% of your wedding costs, your Future Mother-In-Law may only be able to contribute a certain amount. You still have a few months left to plan something if what your Future Mother-In-Law has planned is not to your liking.

In your own words, you state that your FIs family is not traditional and Future Mother-In-Law really didn’t want to host a rehearsal dinner. Why “force” her into it and then complain when it’s not up to your standards? Just plan it the way you want it and thank her graciously for anything she can contribute.

Post # 14
Member
529 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@heatherrobyn: I totally get you. The whole diversity thing is something I deal with too.

I don’t think your Future Mother-In-Law will budge on this one.  I would either ask my Fiance to ask her for the money and you and he will organize it somewhere nice (I mean, if she’s gifting you the rehersal dinner, you should like the gift. You don’t give a man who hates dogs, a dog leash for Christmas) or just cover the expense yourself and have it any darn place you like ! 🙂

Post # 15
Member
3762 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I don’t think its right to ask her to host a rehersal dinner and then expect something great from her.  Thats not her style and its tough to think she will change now. 

There has to be some meeting in the middle ground here.  She is not going to book an expensive restaurant but I agree it should be more than meat and cheese or all you can eat pizza buffet.  Maybe something in the middle would be a backyard BBQ, an average restaurant, or even catering in someones home or other venue. 

I think you should try to be gratious and understanding here (not saying you aren’t but just something to keep in mind).  Your Mother-In-Law is not going to change overnight just because its your wedding. 

 

Post # 16
Member
5657 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2012

While I agree she could put more effort into it, you can’t make her do what you want. Either have someone else host it or host it yourself if you don’t like it. 

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