(Closed) tactfully making people realize things are inappropriate

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

i wouldn’t call that rough around the edges I’d call it racist, homophobic, and completely unacceptable. And I don’t think that tact is really the way to handle someone like that– he obviously knows his opinions are unpopular so being direct is the way I’d go. Next time he says something like that i’d be perfectly clear and blunt “Hey ______, I find it really offensive when you use language like that. Please STOP.” 

Post # 4
2342 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I can’t stand people that are like that it always makes me feel uncomfortable too!  I’m assuming that Future Sister-In-Law is your Fi’s sister, so maybe you can bring this up to your Fiance and maybe he can bring up the subject to her Boyfriend or Best Friend, you know man to man, so it doesn’t make you uncomfortable being the one to bring it up.

Post # 5
3564 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

@CorgiTales: where’s the  “like” button? I completely agree 🙂

Post # 6
532 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

All you have to say is that it bothers you to hear those degratory words and comments and please refrain from using them around you. Personally, I speak up when people are being racist bigots.

Post # 7
1962 posts
Buzzing bee

Cosign Corgi! And know what comes out of people’s mouths is usually a much edited version of what is going on in their hearts and minds.  I am totally ewwing and throwing up in the back of my mouth at this dude.

Post # 8
7771 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

I think it depends on who you are dealing with.  Different people respond to being addressed in different ways.  How about (IN THE MOMENT):

“Whoa, don’t use the “n” word!”

or when the other things come up:

“Well, different strokes.” And turn to someone to switch the conversation, “So, Honey….”

Post # 10
493 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Ugh I hate people who do that!  I feel like by not saying anything in those kinds of situations I’m implying somehow that I agree with their choice of words.  I’m not sure the best way to handle it… but out of nervousness sometimes I turn the situation around on myself (this is probably wrong to do) and say things like “Would it be okay if you didn’t use those words when I’m around? I’m just a really sensitive person I guess..”.  In reality, I want to stand on the table with a megaphone and confront the person and tell them that they are a horrible human being for saying those things.. but the coward in me turns it around on myself to avoid conflict by saying it’s because I’m “sensitive”.  Hmm.. tough situation.

Post # 11
1154 posts
Bumble bee

I feel very very strongly that staying quiet when someone says or does something racist or homophobic or bigoted or misogonistic (as opposed to sexist – in front of which I stay quiet all the time) is condoning it.

I would not hang out with a racist.  I just wouldn’t.

If, he uses these words in trying to be “ironic” or whatever and doesn’t seem to mean it – I’d call him out by saying that it bothers you very much and you believe he’s wrong.

I’m sorry but I don’t think there’s a way to deal with this that is both tactful/nonconfrontational and moral.  Which sucks.

Post # 13
3564 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I think you need to be more direct, as in “Those comments are inappropriate. If you’re going to spew that vile sh*t, don’t do it in my presence.” Or something like that. It sounds like you’re trying to reason with him to get him to change his mind–I don’t think that’s the way to go here, since it doesn’t seem like he’s interested in actually learning anything or changing his attitude.

Post # 14
191 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

If you dont want to have a serious convo jus say something like “Hey _____  lets ease up on the racist and homophobic comments k”  say it in the joking voice that is serious.  Hopefully hell get the hint. If not talk to your Future Sister-In-Law

Post # 15
2214 posts
Buzzing bee

@corgitales: 100% agree. You have to be blunt and let him know that it is not okay to say those things. I would stop associating with someone who spoke like that. It’s just completely inappropriate and uncalled for.

Post # 16
2186 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@abbyful: your responses are just showing that you dont agree with his views – but thats not the whole story – his way of conveying his “thoughts” are highly offensive.

your response to “we need to get that n***** Obama out of office” should be more along the lines of:

“woah. using that word is VERY unacceptable. this isnt 1955. you can disagree all you want to with the president, but i will not sit here and listen to you use racist language like that. its rude and very ignorant.”

and then change the subject.

he needs to know that saying crap like that is nasty and highly offensive.

im black and i dont even allow my black family members to say that word EVER in my presence. EVER.



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