Post # 45
Member
222 posts
Helper bee
Wow! Thanks for all the advice. I won’t totally write this guy off yet but I guess it’s clear he’s not that serious about looking for a relationship.
I forgot to mention – on our first date we met at a cocktail bar on a Saturday night around 7. We spent like 3 hours talking and then around 10:30 he asked what I have planned the rest of the night and I was basically like um, this is it? (wtf it was 10:30). He said he was gonna go meet up with his friends and asked if I wanted to come. I appreciated the offer, but I thought it would be weird to meet friends on the first date so I politely declined and I just ended up going home and calling it a night. It really turned me off bc I felt like we were having such a good time and it wasn’t anyone’s birthday or anything – he just wanted to meet up with his friends. I know on a first date he doesn’t owe me anything but still.
Then I didn’t hear from him for over a week bc he was at a bachelor party. Then Tuesday heard from him when he was back and that’s how we ended up going out on this past Thursday. We actually ended up talking about him leaving for the friends thing and he apologized and said he is looking to really date someone. On our date kept suggesting things we should do together and places to go. Before we left asked when he can see me again and he suggested Saturday. That’s why when he asked me what I was doing tonight yesterday around 1pm I said “no plans yet, you?” because I just assumed right after he was going to ask if I was still interested in getting together. Instead he doesn’t respond for 5 hours. I know people are busy at work. I am one of them. But I just feel like asking a question like that and then not responding for hours – he probably was just keeping his options open. It just felt kind of rude to me considering the circumstances.
If he reaches out today, I am busy. Again, not totally writing him off but just really disappointed. I don’t understand the suggesting all the things we should do and asking if we can hang out again, and then not responding for hours asking vaguely if we can hang tomorrow.
I know it can take time to really get to know someone and like them, but I also feel like in the beginning it should be kind of a fun time as well. Not disappointing. I don’t know!
Post # 47
Member
11155 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
sunburn :
Precisely.
Dont act less available; be less available. Healthy, active, well rounded men with full lives avoid women whom they sense are too eager, too willing to set other things aside, too available. Those women scare them. They have visions of cling ons.
One of the hazards of being too accommodating and too available too early is that you risk pulling in the wrong kind of guys. There are plenty of guys who will read that neediness and exploit it for their own purposes.
Healthy people are drawn to other healthy people. It’s natural, there is no “game” element to it.
Post # 48
Member
794 posts
Busy bee
ariesscientist : I wasn’t refering to this guy specifically, his tepid non-commital text gets a hell nope from me- I meant in general, OP should establish how she’ll let herself be treated. Making herself available to someone’s quasi-plans of maybe hanging out will allow guys who are just settling for her to waste her time. By setting the bar higher for herself, she’ll weed the tepid guys out not keep herself hanging around for them on their terms.
Post # 49
Member
794 posts
Busy bee
sarahj1238 : From your update Bee, I would cut my losses with this guy. You’re not even in a relationship with him yet and he seems to be treating you like Plan B. It’s easy to move on so early in dating him, I’d hate to see you posting 6 months or a year from now because you’re ‘all in’ and he’s still all meh. Save yourself the heartbreak, there are guys out there who would be thrilled at the prospect of a date with you.
Post # 50
Member
11155 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
sarahj1238 :
Bee, honey, he could have canceled his other plans on your first date, had he wanted to. His guy friends would understand if he told them that he had just met this totally awesome woman and did not want to let her get away.
He set things up the way he did to create an off ramp. And he took it.
The rest of it is just so much argle bargle.
He may very well be really looking for someone to date. That is not code for he really wants to date you.
He sounds mildly interested, at best. Over time, perhaps he could become more interested. Who knows. But, that’s how it is right now. He is clearly keeping all of his options open and seeing other women. Why shouldn’t he be?
Think this one all the way through, Bee, before you invest any more time, energy, or dignity. Is this someone you would really want to pursue a relationship with? He has already shown you he is not reliable. He’s flaky about plans. That doesn’t seem to sit very well with you. I wouldn’t be able to stand it. I expect people to do exactly what they say they are going to do.
Keep in mind, this is the phase in which he is putting on his best face. So, maybe, before you go any further, it might be worthwhile to consider if this is the type of person who could really be a good match for you.
Post # 51
Member
13713 posts
Honey Beekeeper
Yes he has the right, but meeting up wirh friends thing after your first date would feel like an excuse to cut the evening short. 10:30 is early. Asking you at that point if you would like to come along to meet his friends is either a sign of a serious lack of common sense or he knew you’d say no.
Combined with not following through on the Saturday plans and personally I would move on entirely.
Post # 52
Member
5114 posts
Bee Keeper
hungrymeow : Being smart and watching out for yourself is not a game. What you call insensitive and aggressive I call honest and confident. It’s all in your perspective. In my perspective there are better things to do than waiting around because someone might call you to hang out. And in my world the best men are those who know what they want and go after it. They’re the ones with whom you’re likely to have a good relationship.
sarahj1238 : What we all don’t know is something you do : the general feeling you have about this man. We didn’t go out with him, you did. Let your gut be your guide, but make sure you put your needs first.
Post # 53
Member
977 posts
Busy bee
I think for a first date with a stranger (i.e. someone you met online, not someone who’s already a friend) it is VERY normal to plan to do something for 2-3 hours and have an “out” like a plan later that evening. I have received lots of advice to do that exact thing – like plan a coffee date but have dinner plans later, etc.
I don’t think anything is clear from his behavior so far – I think he’s enjoying a few early dates and casually feeling it out. I agree with PPs that I would continue to see other people. I would not overthink his interactions and if he initiates plans and you want to see him, see him. It might be good to establish a more direct way of planning – like if he says “let’s shoot for tomorrow” you say “actually I have plans with friend tomorrow, but I’m free for dinner this week on Weds or Thurs” and see how he responds. But if he spontaneously texts you to hang out and you’re free and want to, just go!
TLDR – enjoy some casual early dating, see how things and play out, and do what you feel like doing
Post # 54
Member
1069 posts
Bumble bee
sunburn : I understand your point and do agree with certain parts of what you’re saying, but I didn’t need to play pretend with plans I didn’t have in order to appear as if what I had to offer was in high-demand.
I agree, being smart and confident was only dating men who knew what they wanted. But showing interest and eagerness is not being “easy.” Putting in effort and being disappointed is not being “easy.” Telling someone you didn’t overbook your vagina that weekend is not being “easy.” Best believe the guys I dated made effort, or they were cut from the list early on. I didn’t need anyone who was looking for the best option/party of the night, including me, or not.
Maintaining “mystery” and “intrigue” is such fucking bullshit. Mature women who know what they want won’t be pussyfooting around with looking like a catch because they know they are. Jumping through hoops while dating is ridiculous. Dating is to find out who the person is. It’s talking and getting a feel for compatibility. So, if all that’s pretty vague and casual, of course you won’t know where you stand.
Looking out for yourself early in seeing someone is setting plans for dates. If he couldnt make those dates, I didn’t bother talking to them again. I was in college when I dated, so it’s not as if I could just cut out whenever and meet for last-minute anything. Make plans. He’ll keep to that if he wants to see you.
Post # 55
Member
5114 posts
Bee Keeper
hungrymeow : I’m quite sure I never mentioned mystery or intrigue or that showing eagerness is bad, although the ways of showing it might be. I do believe it’s best not to be overly available as it indicates you don’t have much of a life. Not sure where booking a vagina comes from since I didn’t mention sex. I will say I had no problem with having sex with more than one man early in a relationship, however. I was far from promiscuous. And I managed to have 3 men propose to me in my days as a single woman, but broke up with two of them. I think I know something about cultivating a relationship where the end goal is marriage, based on my own successes and failures and the experiences of others I’ve seen play out over the years, but perhaps I flatter myself. I don’t expect everyone to agree with me, but my main point is not to fixate on the man and endlessly analyze his every move, but to concentrate on what makes you a better person and is more enjoyable. I don’t enjoy sitting around and waiting for someone who can’t commit to something as simple as a date.
Post # 56
Member
1999 posts
Buzzing bee
I’m interested in how this all turns out. Please keep us posted on the follow up with this guy.
Post # 57
Member
1069 posts
Bumble bee
sunburn : Simply trying to determine what makes for an “easy” woman whom the “best men” won’t want. So far, you’ve ignored addressing what you meant by that.
I also wasn’t only responding to you but to others who agreed with keeping certain things to oneself in order to not come across overly open, not to share too much. If that’s who you are and you don’t want someone who’s freaked out by it, best way to weed through them is to be yourself until you meet someone who appreciates that.
Edit: my mistake, I quickly read through and assumed those 3 men proposed within a similar period of time.
You “managing” to get 3 men to propose to you just speaks so old-fashioned to me. Being “easy” simply because you’re available feels very old-fashioned. I just do not agree with the game of having to play hard-to-get. It’s less and less a thing these days because the goal isn’t always to get married, anymore.
Post # 58
Member
794 posts
Busy bee
AnonBee2019 : Casual early dating is fine- but he should seem excited and interested and making specific plans with her. Casual early dating doesn’t equal an absence of planning or enthusiasm. Something is off if the best he can muster is a ‘yeah maybe we can hang out if I’m not busy’ and if OP accepts this treatment it isn’t casual, it’s showing him how she’ll allow him to treat her. Saying no to such half assed one sided plans isn’t playing games, it’s insisting he put at least some effort into wanting to see her, and that’s about self-respect not games.
Post # 59
Member
437 posts
Helper bee
Instead of the game playing of pretending to be busy when you’re not, why not just tell him that you don’t appreciate leaving plans up in the air until the last minute and want to have solid plans set at least a day (or whatever time frame you want) in advance? If he isn’t willing to do that then you know early on that he isn’t the person for you instead of wasting time wondering if he’s interested or not.
Post # 60
Member
5114 posts
Bee Keeper
I see I’m not getting through. It’s not playing a game to make sure you have a full life. And although the goal may not be to get married, the name of the site is weddingbee.
But have it your way. I’m an old fashioned thinker who knows nothing. Because having lived with a man and raised a man from infancy to adulthood, what would I know about men? They’re obviously so much different today. You could call me John Snow, but I don’t wear fur.