Takes forever to respond to my text ?

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 76
Member
1178 posts
Bumble bee

That last text I would ignore. It’s not a question and does not require a response.

Some people like to chat even when they’re not that interested, just to keep occupied, because they’re bored. And also act as bread crumbs to keep you on the hook / as back up for when needed. Don’t engage. At this point you might as well write him off now. It’s going no where.

Post # 77
Member
1580 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

Agree with PPs that the text isn’t really worth responding to. If he’s into you, he will send another one. He sounds really awkward? Well. Actually. He sounds like he is playing a game. He went on a date with you but set up back up plans in case it didn’t go well. A week long bachelor party? Yikes. And then sending you a text at night when you’d likely be asleep he wanted a prompt for today. Not a very good prompt.

 

I don’t know. When I was dating my husband, I was initially really emotionally unavailable due to my own issues and had a “rule” where we only saw each other twice a week. But we saw each other twice a week! And he was chomping at the bit to push that to 3. Bee, when the right guy comes along, he is going to chase you (though make sure it’s not in a creepy way) and make seeing you a priority and make it *happen.* I know there were a few times my now husband cut other plans short just to spend time with me. Not the other way around. 

Post # 78
Member
1470 posts
Bumble bee

I think he’s breadcrumbing you OP, him talking about asking you to come round and watch Game of Thrones was basically him casually suggesting Netflix and chill aka sex and seeing if you would bite. I would just stop wasting your time with this guy, he’s not interested in anything serious, if he was he would be arranging concrete plans with you for actual dates. 

Also, pretending you’re busy and ignoring texts for hours to make yourself seem busier or less available is text book game playing. It’s lying, manipulative and tactical. People can talk self respect all they want, but self respect is not continuing to entertain half arsed guys who aren’t treating you how you want and deserve. Not trying to adapt how they treat you by pretending to be less interested or available than you really are. It’s immature and just wastes your time, also you’ll probably trip yourself up one day with all your pretend plans and fake “busyness” and then you’ll look like a fool. 

You don’t have do this nonsense when you meet someone mature who is actually invested in you and willing to put in effort. I’m surprised that so many people are actually advising you to carry on talking to him and play games (and they are 100% games) when he’s obviously not that interested. 

Post # 79
Member
1995 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

There was literally no point in him sending those texts like you said. The smart thing to do would have been to ask on a date where you could watch  a movie or something you’d actually like. The “see you in 6 months after you watch it,” was so dumb because he knows damn well you aren’t going to watch it. He’s annoying me just based on your posts. 😂

I wouldn’t be interested in learning more about him but that’s totally up to you. 

Post # 80
Member
2106 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
sarahj1238 :  you need to ghost this dude. it honestly seems like he wouldn’t even care if you did…

Post # 81
Member
3974 posts
Honey bee

If your gut is telling you to move on, then move on.  

I can’t get a complete sense of what is going on from your posts.  I know that I gave some leeway in the beginning because it was hard to figure out schedules and work a new person into my life that quickly.  However, if you are getting a sense that he is dicking you around and keeping you at arms distance, then it’s not worth your time to continue to pursue him.  There are plenty of men out there who will be more than excited to see you.  

And I know someone mentioned something about being asked out to dinner, instead of hanging out.  For me, I refused dinners until I knew I was ready to spend a certain amount of time with someone.  Had to be at least a handful of meetings in until I allowed a full dinner date with them. Most of the time it was drinks and maybe an app so that I can bolt if things went south.  Everyone is on their best behavior for the first couple dates…you start seeing the true person after that.  I cornered myself into that once and it was enough for me to set some more stringent rules on dates.  Oh and also, no weekend dates for the first 2-3 meetings.  

 

Post # 82
Member
3228 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

Don’t respond at all OP. I agree with a pp, he was feeling you out if you would be willing to come over sometime and watch Netflix. He’s basically telling you that he’s not willing to schedule dates that cost money but if he has nothing better to do he may be willing to spend time with you, bonus if you’re willing to do him…….. 

NEXT! as Ari says. ..

Post # 83
Member
2416 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Yeah, I think he’s sending you these random texts every couple of days to keep himself on your radar and confirm to himself that you’re still responsive to him. He probably is interested in seeing you- provided there is NO opportunity cost to him (ie, missing out on another thing he’d rather do since he committed to seeing you).

 

That is why none of these texts go so far as to actually make advance plans with you- he doesn’t want to be locked into anything but keeps up a low maintenance semi steady stream of communication with you so when he can confidently feel like he’s giving nothing else up by seeing you, he’ll ask you out.

 

It’s not necessarily wrong– if you had lukewarm feelings about him and nothing else going on on a Tuesday night, why not go out for dinner with him or something?- but definitely not someone you want to be emotionally invested in. If you’re not looking to just casually date anyone I’d ignore any further overtures from this guy.

Post # 84
Member
1401 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: USA

Late to the party, but just wanted to say, when someone is being indirect about making plans “let’s do something sometime!”, I’d say,

“Uh, I’m already doing “something” and I already have plans for “sometime”, so.. why don’t you let me know what you want to do and get back to me then”. 

End of the day, don’t invest anything in someone who isn’t investing in you either. It’s disrespectful to you and your responses should make that clear. As benign as his texts may be, people learn how to treat you based on how you allow them to. If you won’t accept a wishy-washy, half assed attempt to hang out, he will either learn to make actual plans or he’ll just stop talking to you. Either way you need to remain emotionally detached and not put all your eggs in one basket until the guy starts showing up for you in a real way. Then he’s worthy of your time. It’s a discipline you need to practice so you don’t get your feelings hurt. This is for any guy too- I’d keep your options open. 

Post # 85
Member
1414 posts
Bumble bee

No real effort coming from this guy. I wouldn’t bother. I think time too valuable for this nonsense. It has an overall teenager feel to it..

Post # 86
Member
13722 posts
Honey Beekeeper

View original reply
sarahj1238 :  “Before we left asked when he can see me again and he suggested Saturday. That’s why when he asked me what I was doing tonight yesterday around 1pm I said “no plans yet, you?” because I just assumed right after he was going to ask if I was still interested in getting together. Instead he doesn’t respond for 5 hours.”

Think about this and the total lack of respect he showed you, again. You went out on a Thursday, he suggests getting together again on Saturday, but never follows up with any kind of plan! When he finally texted on Saturday asking what you are doing you should have said, “I’m sorry l, when I didn’t hear anything more from you about Saturday, I made other plans.”

As so many others are telling you, that’s not game playing. Even if the “plans” were to watch TV and go to bed, it lets him know you don’t appreciate the lack of follow through or the disrespect for your time. 

Then, to add insult to injury, and without any kind of apology for leaving you hanging about Saturday, he wants to push it off to  Easter Sunday, with no consideration or reference to the fact that it’s a holiday. You should have just said “I’m sorry, I have plans.” He doesn’t have to know with whom or all the details. T.M.I.

And after all this YOU are the one suggesting an alternative day next week. 

Why??? 

On another note, personally I think social texting should be reserved for when a relationship is much more established. It gives a false sense of intimacy and connection. You can always say you aren’t much of a texter and encourage people to call if they want to make plans. 

Post # 87
Member
2207 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Him: “Can we shoot for tomorrow?” 

You: “What do you have in mind?” 

In the event of a non commital response, you: “I already have plans set with friends for parts of the holiday, so you’ll need to be more specific as to where and when you’d like to take me on a date.” 

Post # 88
Member
1579 posts
Bumble bee

Taking a while to respond to a text isn’t that big a deal. I don’t text when I’m with friends or in meetings. However, if someone makes a plan for day X without setting time and place, and then doesn’t follow up (which he didn’t) to set the time and place, it’s very rude. 

Post # 89
Member
1935 posts
Buzzing bee

Online dating is full of these guys who send vague messages and make non-committal plans. They have one leg in and one leg out. Honestly? He probably sent that same message to several other women to see who would bite. That’s just what these guys do. 

Let this one go. 

Post # 90
Member
1051 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
sarahj1238 :  

I think the reason this thread garnered so many responses is because it touched a nerve, because so many of us who have done online dating (or any kind of dating) have been in this situation. Often not once, but several times.

This kind of thing is incredibly common.

In my experience, it could be that the guy is just not that into you… but I think it’s far, far more likely that he’s just not that into relationships in general. You both sound more on the young side, and if he is below the age of 35, there is a very good chance that he’s just not really there yet in terms of wanting a relationship. Plenty of guys in their 20s and early 30s are starting to come around to the idea of wanting a girlfriend and relationship, they like the idea of it and they like the way it sounds, and they do want it some day, so when you ask them what they’re looking for, they will say something serious… But they’re not there yet. 

There’s a great short scene from Sex and the City which talks about a man’s “light coming on” and suddenly he is ready for commitment.

For men whose lights have not come on yet, behaviour such as the OP’s guy is exhibiting is extremely common. It’s irritating because it seems to give mixed messages and seems to be a waste of your time.

I agree with so much of what has been said in this thread already:

* Taking a few hours to respond to a text is not necessarily a bad sign, but when you put it together with the lack of plans, it is a bad sign.

* You should be dating others and should definitely have other plans and other things going on that you enjoy doing, especially at this early stage of meeting someone.

* Any kind of vagueness about plans should be met with a “no thank you, that doesn’t work for me”

* Social texting does create a false sense of intimacy, and I would not be discussing TV shows etc. over text with someone I’d met twice and had no plans to see again. *Yawn* If he wants to chat to you / get to know you, he can make plans to see you and phone you. Unfortunately, dating apps are full of people who are only too willing to waste your time – but you need to make it clear that your time is not there to be wasted by idle chit chat.

I’m glad to see that you are not taking this guy seriously and are putting him in perspective and not responding to his text. You’ll be just fine! 

That said, it is actually incredibly easy to see when a guy is ready for a relationship and when he is not. It isn’t rocket science. The guys who want a relationship and want it with you behave totally differently from this guy.

I can assure you that when you meet a guy who is relationship ready, there will be absolutely none of this shilly-shallying. Setting up time to spend together will be as easy as breathing.

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