Takes forever to respond to my text ?

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 91
Member
11126 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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sarahj1238 :  

Bee, everything about this guy is pure and utter nonsense.  Had the amount of time and energy you threw away on this nit been properly invested, you could have been out on three dates with a quality man by now; or on three first days with three different quality men.

Instead, you felt compelled to tap the intelligence arm of the Bee, in hopes that we could dissect and analyze the flake’s behavior.  And, to what end, Bee?

In the service of you being able to figure out a way to make him want to ‘hang out’?

What does that even mean? Is that something that is supposed to pass for an actual date when you’re willing to set your expectations low?

The guy’s last text was idiotic.  Some silliness about GOT, but, you don’t watch GOT, ok, maybe in six months you’ll be caught up on GOT?  Oh yeah.  There’s relationship material.

A PP mentioned that some people will maintain contact over a mild interest.  This is true.  I will take it a step further. Plenty of guys will have sex over even less than just a mild interest. Don’t lose sight of that.

The other Bees are also exactly right about having plans to stay home alone—those are completely legitimate plans. There is nothing at all wrong or gamey about turning down a short notice invitation for a man or from your women friends because you planned to stay home with Netflix or a good book.

It’s quite healthy.  If we’re jumping at invitations, no matter how insultingly last minute they may be proffered, that’s a statement about how much we fear not being asked again.  The kind of man you want to attract respects the reality that your life is full.  He’ll try again, with a bit more attention to his timing.  He respects the value of your time.

I’m really struggling, Bee, to figure out exactly what this guy ever did right.

Post # 92
Member
227 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2020

So, I admit I haven’t read all of the posts but yeah, I think as some have said, he’s interested in you and my feeling is that he’s either seeing someone else also or talking to someone else and just wants to keep you on the line in case it doesn’t pan out with the other girl.  It could also be that he does really like you and is trying to play it cool.  Totaly immature move but hey, some guys are just clueless.  Either way, I wouldn’t put much effort into it.  If it’s meant to be, it will happen.  At this point, if you are interested, I would be blunt. Just ask him what’s up point blank. Nothing to lose at this point.  

Post # 93
Member
5643 posts
Bee Keeper

Sorry late to the post. I’d throw this one back, hes too annoying.  

Post # 94
Member
315 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2029

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istanbee :  I agree!  When a man likes you, he won’t consistatly take hours to respond.  I have had quite a bit of dating experience.  Long response time to text/call etc always = disinterest.  

Post # 95
Member
6176 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

What? Instead of seeing you on Saturday (international date night!) He preferred to watch tv at home? How offensive. I’d be done with him. Plenty of fish the sea! Next!

Post # 96
Member
756 posts
Busy bee

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futuremrs2020 :  
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sassy411 :  her advice does not suck. Why should the guy get to wait until the very last minute to decide she is worthy of his time?  Every single girl I know in the real world (not the Bee world) has confirmed to me their experience that relationships just seem to go better when the man is interested and does the pursuing initially. I don’t know a single woman in the real world who pursued a man who was not that interested and actually had a good outcome. This is just common sense. 

Post # 97
Member
971 posts
Busy bee

Move on. You are not his priority. He will most likely reach out to you in a few weeks. Ignore him-

Post # 98
Member
1931 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

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caligirlinmichigan : I don’t know a single woman in the real world who pursued a man who was not that interested and actually had a good outcome

yes to this, if a girl persist to much she is considered clingy, stalker-ish, possibly even pyscho, but if a guy does it its considered a good thing (to a certain extent obviously)

Post # 100
Member
2423 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

What a jerk.

 

“it starts in the afternoon but after than plans are pretty loose. It’s at a bar so nothing fancy”

 

OK, so he plans to go to a party at a bar in the afternoon (notice avoidance of an actual start time) and he will meet up with you “later in the day” and “after the party with no start or end time”. Basically sit and wait, and if he doesn’t meet anyone else he wants to try to get in the pants of, or plans don’t develop during the party that he’d rather pursue, then he’ll meet up with you. If you’re lucky.

 

OP, you are right to ignore this guy. His evasiveness alone would drive me up the freaking wall. He is showing no respect for your time, and I’d give him only 50/50 odds of actually reaching out to you Sat evening. If he does text you, ignore him until he gets the point. Don’t spend one more second communicating with this douchebag.

 

ETA: it would be one thing if he said, hey Sarah, I’ll be at XYZ bar on Saturday, when you’re done with your thing that day, you should swing by. I mean, that’s still an insultingly minimal effort to put in for a “date”, but at least you’d be in control of where and how you meet up that night.

 

Instead, when pressed for specifics (ie what time where you thinking) you get more bullshit vagueness from him. Asshole won’t even commit to a rough timeline of when you should meet. He could not be making it more clear he is looking at this as a potential back up booty call.

Post # 101
Member
1945 posts
Buzzing bee

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sarahj1238 :  Bahahaha because of COURSE he sent that. 

Honestly when this happened to me, I would respond back very cheerfully, “Sounds like fun! Unfortunately I won’t be able to hang out because I have a date scheduled Saturday evening. Have a great night!”

Sometimes after that the guy texts back like “???” or makes some sort of comment about me having a date. And I would normally text back, “Oh, I figured you were only interested in friendship, most guys actually schedule dates with me,” and if he makes bones about that I say that I don’t have the time to just ‘hang out’ with guys unfortunately, otherwise I’d never have time for anything else!

If he doesn’t text back or texts something like, “ok cool”, I would not respond and wait for him to message me back. Sometimes he will message me a few days later and actually schedule a date in advance. If he does, I might go out with him or I might tell him that I’m sorry but I don’t think it will work out between us and wish him luck. If he doesn’t schedule a date and instead continues to always message me to ‘hang’ I just tell him I have a date that night, sorry. 

Post # 103
Member
2423 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I don’t know…I think in this case, silence is best. Given this guy’s implied assumption that you’re totally fine to twiddle your thumbs until he deigns to contact you, he would probably assume you just made up the date comment to try and make him jealous.

 

I think providing any explanation as to why you’re declining to see him or keeping any options open just sort of sounds like you’re hoping he reassures you he is interested. I think ignoring him actually sends a much stronger message.

 

ETA: In case it wasn’t clear, the message here is “fuck off”, not “please treat me more respectfully”. I think you consider this guy to have blown it completely and not get any more chances.

Post # 104
Member
1694 posts
Bumble bee

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Tatum :  Agreed, especially since it seems OP has decided this guy is neither suitable as a friend nor as a romantic partner.

If she were still interested, I’d suggest ignoring any Saturday texts suggesting a meetup and following up Sunday with a vague “sorry, was busy last night, just saw your text, hope your birthday went well”.

Post # 105
Member
1945 posts
Buzzing bee

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sarahj1238 :  Please do! I’ve done so much online dating that someone ought to benefit! 

I’m sure that I’ve posted this elsewhere but I’ll mention some of my ‘rules’ for online dating because they were immensely helpful for me – I usually ended up with decent guys.
1. Don’t spend a lot of time getting to know someone before meeting. If there’s no chemistry it will suck harder because you are invested.
2. Be open regarding attraction – people are often much more attractive in person because their personality shines. Often very attractive men are boring.
3. Mirror what the guy is doing. Don’t text, respond to his text. Don’t call, answer the phone. This is how you gauge his interest – if you start texting, calling, or inviting him out he might go along because he is bored or keeping options open, not because he likes you. *caveat – if the man is super shy he might appreciate your doing this, but for all other men the rule stands, until you get to know him better*
4. You don’t have time for guys who aren’t respectful of your time, your boundaries, your person, or other people. Say goodbye easily to anyone who makes you feel icky for any reason. This is when the guy should be on his best behavior and if even his best isn’t cutting it you don’t want him. (I often refuse to talk on the phone until I have met someone, if the guy doesn’t respect that boundary and instead whines or attempts to change my mind I let him go, I know he will not respect my other boundaries)
5. You aren’t exclusive until you are exclusive. Date other men in case this one doesn’t work out. 
6. Never sleep with someone the first night. If they like you, there will be another opportunity. If they sleep with you it doesn’t mean they want to date you. 

Using these rules I had to let a lot of guys go, but I was cutting loose guys who were playing the field, were jerks, or weren’t compatible. Whenever I did get into a relationship it was always with a decent guy. If I ever ignored these rules, I ended up regretting it big time. Hope it helps. 

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