(Closed) Taking care of YOU

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
913 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Well said….

Keep your mind occupied and your hands busy…..things will unfold naturally.  I learned the hard way from a previous relationship that putting too much pressure on a guy does not always end well (for anyone).

Post # 4
Member
2867 posts
Sugar bee

I think this is a good post but..

I experienced what the ladies on the waiting board did and it drove me nuts to hear “keep yourself busy.”  I can sympathize and I understand you only mean well with this post.

Post # 6
Member
177 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Very well said and something I needed to hear (again. Frequently :P).

One of my good friends and I have been writing buddies for years — yesterday, we decided to start new noveling projects together. I got up at 5:30 to start mine, and though I just got to work and feel ready to crash, I realize that I’ve been needing to stop ignoring the things I love to do for myself in order to make more time to pump into my relationship with my SO. And this morning, I also realized that SO and I are great — things will be better for us both if I keep being the woman he started dating (who did her own thing) in the first place. 

Anyway, I really like your post — it really speaks to me right now 🙂

Post # 8
Member
302 posts
Helper bee

I feel like I have done all of this–i do outside activities, a LOT of them. If he is upsetting me and won’t talk, I just do what I need to in order to have fun–listen to fun music, talk to friends, etc.  I have tried ignoring my feelings and just being happy. We have talked about marriage and are on the same page, but no matter what I still dont have a proposal yet.  And I know I shouldn’t obsess but at the same time, how can you NOT be a little down when everyone around you is engaged or married and you have been with your Boyfriend or Best Friend for 4 1/2 years, longer than most of the married couples, and you are still “Single” in the eyes of the law? How can holidays NOT be depressing when nothing happens?

I totally agree with what you are saying, but know that all efforts have been made, and I will continue to do things that make me happy.  However, at a certain point, on some days, I feel like no matter how happy I am, I cant fully be happy because he has not proposed yet–it is always weighing down my mind. Does this sound silly? Yes. Can I help how i feel? Definitely not. It sucks. I wish i could stop and smell the roses more, and i do try to, but sometimes that lovely rose smell is jaded by my feelings of non-engagement. Gosh, why do emotions have to do this to people?!

Post # 9
Member
1390 posts
Bumble bee

Only one person can make you happy, and that person is you.

I respectfully disagree. Although I understand and do appreciate your post and the message, I personally get very frustrated with comments about loving yourself and being okay on your own and not needing anyone to make us happy. I think that is a very tall order and in many cases, in not acheivable. SO and I were just talking about this and we both agree, it’s very natural to only feel loved, happy, and comfortable when you are with another person (emotionally, not physcially).

Humans are, first and foremost, their own worst critic. No one judges us as harshly as we judge ourselves. To say that we are the only people who can make us happy would mean fighting a very natural urge to critique ourselves and instead, only postively reaffirm ourselves. I’m not saying that someone who is self-depricating and horribly depressed will instantly find love and happiness in someone else….but the truth is we are happier when we’re with someone.

Humans are also very social creatures. We do not thrive on our own. We are intended to mate and procreate and live in packs and we are most definitely meant to spend our time with another person. If we were meant to be alone, we would be happiest when we’re alone. Some individuals are happier alone but the vast majority of humans need or want someone to spend their life with. I think for many, many humans they are only truly happy when they have someone to share their life with.

I’m not saying this to say that you’re wrong and that we should totally all find men to make ourselves happy, but I do think that when you’re waiting, it’s okay to know that it’s not only completely natural to feel frustration and anxiety, it’s actually part of our evolution. We survived and multiplied based on our desire to be with someone and not to live on our own.

To all the waiting girls, I feel you. I’m waiting too and I am not always gracious about it. Whenever I’m feeling particularly angsty, I just tell myself, “this is totally normal. nothing you’re feeling is weird or unheard of. everyone goes through this.”

I just really want to spread the message that those angsty feelings during waiting are completely and totally natural and are 1000% valid. It seems like we often (women as a group) try to downplay our emotions by saying, “I’m just being silly.” But the truth is you’re not being silly. Being frustrated or sad, those feelings are totally justified and understandable. I think, for me personally, I just try to work through them by telling myself that it’s normal and that I will be okay. Waiting for one of the biggest events of your life, an even that means you get to spend every day with the person you love more than anyone and that you can start a family with? It’s totally an emotional time and I think we just have to embrace it!

I do agree that taking care of yourself is super important and am glad you’re getting the message out there. I just really hope that waiting girls can embrace it and not feel like they have to shelve their feelings or anything like that!

Post # 10
Member
767 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I do appreciate the message of this post, and it is something ALL of us (not just waiting bees) need to hear. As someone who is waiting, though, I think a lot of people come on here to vent and get it all out. It’s not that most of us are really sitting home crying all day every day because we’re not engaged. It’s that it gets to us and society still tells us to wait for the guy to make the moves, and wait until we’re engaged to start any planning- even if we both, as a couple, have decided that’s the next step. 

Maybe this message is better applied to individual posts than to blanket the waiting boards. I think most people are preoccupied with something in their life and aren’t in a zen state appreciating every beautiful thing in the world. You could have phrased this post differently and addressed it to all the women (and men) out there planning their wedding right now. 

Personally, my happiness does not solely depend on my SO. But after being together for 3.5 years and being each other’s best friends, our happiness is mutually intrenched. I am waiting for him to propose, but that is based off of promises he has made to me. I am filled with anticipation for what I know will come (sort of like Christmas morning). And I already do go on walks, enjoy books, cook and appreciate life. But I also look forward to, and “can’t wait” for my SO to propose. 

Post # 11
Member
1066 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@ artichokey

You’re a really good writer!!  I can totally relate to everything you post, and you always sound so rational.  Thanks for making so much sense!!

I think my “waiting” making me so anxious is more due to dates running out… I’m naturally a worrier as it is, and I don’t want to have to wait a whole extra year to get married because we missed the boat on the venue, etc.  Its just frustrating as heck that while this should be a mutual decision, we have to wait until the guy is ready to propose.

Post # 12
Member
1057 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Great post! I think a lot of us, “waiting” bees whether it’s waiting for the proposal or going crazy seeing the wedding date coming up so fast forget about taking care of ourselves. 

Post # 14
Member
442 posts
Helper bee

@Statutory Grape: I really like your post!  I agree with some others here that the anxiety is natural, but I don’t think it can actually benefit you or the situation you’re in. 

 

I think similar to what Mr. Bee said in his plan, that it is best to focus on things that are within your control.  Indeed, I’ve been guilty of worrying and being anxious, but I often feel my best when I trust that things will just work out.  That’s when I really get the chance to enjoy my work, my family, exercising, and yes my SO.

Post # 15
Member
339 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@PinkBubbleGum: I agree, this is a message for all bees. I am a little frustrated with waiting bees being singled out for things that occur all over the boards. People get bent out of shape over everything, yes waiting is highly emotional at times and bees need to vent, but so is wedding planning. Girls who get caught up in the “details” of the wedding and become unhappy with the entire process also could use the same advice, only replace proposal with wedding.  

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