(Closed) Taking His Surname: I don't know if I can

posted 6 years ago in Traditions
Post # 3
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I totally know how you feel. My reasons are different–I am totally traditional and feel that I ‘should’ take his name as anything else would be wierd to me. At the same time, I love my last name. It is a big part of ‘me’ and I am struggling with the idea of losing it.

Post # 4
Member
3182 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

All of those feelings are totally justified!  It’s a hard thing to change, and it sounds like you’ve given it thought and have some good reasons to want to keep your name.  

I always said I would change my name but for logistical reasons haven’t switched yet.  I’m getting more comfortable with the different last names and I think it’s actually going to make it harder to change.

Hopefully you find a time to talk to your Fiance about it soon, I’m sure getting some of this off your chest will help!

Post # 5
Member
7606 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

You are totally not alone!  I struggled more than I thought I would and mine’s not even legally changed yet (though I am going ahead with it).

Talk to your Fiance (at the right time).  You don’t have to decide this until after the wedding.  A lot of women don’t change their last names legally.  You could still go by “Mrs. HisLastName” at parent-teacher interviews, but keep your name on your license and at work.  You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do and your Fiance will love you either way.  Good luck with your decision!

Post # 6
Member
194 posts
Blushing bee

It is definitely something to sit down with your Fiance and talk about, and perhaps the two of you together can figure it out. Your feelings are totally relevant, and I don’t personally have a problem with the hyphened duo. But it is just something that you guys might have to compromise on. 

Post # 7
Member
1075 posts
Bumble bee

Have you considered making his last name as your middle name? That way you still take his name on but for all intents and purposes you still keep your name at work and in most situations. As far as I’m concerned you should get to do whatever you want with your name. My only question is if you’re concerned about your family’s surname dying out does that mean you would want children to take on your name instead? If so I think that is a conversation you should have with your Fiance sooner rather than later because most guys don’t expect that. 

Post # 9
Member
1061 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I didn’t legally change my name and have continued to go by my maiden name at work.  In my personal life, people can call me whatever they want.  I don’t correct them either way.

We didn’t make a big deal about me not changing and to be honest, I have no idea if his family even know I didn’t change it?

I really think that it one of those things that is as big a deal as you make it.

Post # 10
Member
4419 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

This is something I never struggled with.  It never occured to me to keep my maiden name, because I’ve never identified myself by what my last name was. I’ve always identified myself with my first name, so this is something that’s really hard for me to relate to.

Try not to think of taking his last name as making you part of his family. That’s not what it’s about… Taking his last name is about making the two of you a family unit separate from both your extended families.

On the other hand, taking the husband’s name is not a tradition in other countries. In Italy, woman do not take their husband’s name–this has been the law since 1975. 

Post # 11
Member
1075 posts
Bumble bee

@BetterSherm:  Cool, I’m glad you guys have considered it! I think if you want to keep your last name you should, even if you find it hard to explain at first in the long term you would probably be happier keeping it. Even if you aren’t it isn’t like you can’t change it later if you really want to, but it would be really awkward to go from his surname back to yours.

Post # 12
Member
1061 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I think it probably does bug Darling Husband a tiny bit that I didn’t change my name, but the blow is softened by the fact that I don’t correct people and will go by it socially.  Like, if I am intro’d as Sarah DH’slastname at a party, I am not all “NO IT IS SARAH MAIDENNAME!!!!”  And, there was no big annoucement or anything at the wedding, we just avoided last names altogether.  Call me whatever you want, just don’t call me late for dinner 🙂

And to me, the part where we said our vows and pledged our lives to each other in front of all of our peeps made us a family unit, not sharing a name.

Post # 14
Member
9916 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

My mom did not take my dad’s last name when they were married.  My brother and I both have her last name as our middle name, and our dad’s last name as our last name.  We had a few people ask, as we grew up, about our parents’ names…but it didn’t matter to us and didn’t matter to most people.

 

Have you considered just not taking his name?  Explain that you like your name, that you think it’s an antiquated and somewhat sexist custom, that you’re established at your work places with your current name, and that you would like to keep it.   See what happens.

Post # 15
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I’m going to be changing my surname and I want to do it thoroughly at work, bank, passport, email etc but I will be sad to leave my maiden name behind.  Had thought about maybe having it engraved inside my wedding band but my mum said it was silly idea.  Guess it will just take some getting used to.

Post # 16
Member
3182 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@BetterSherm:  If my IL’s were that crazy about the name I would be even more determined to keep my old one. 

The topic ‘Taking His Surname: I don't know if I can’ is closed to new replies.

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