(Closed) Taking Initiative

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
400 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I have a few friends like that.  Stop being the one to call them.  Friendship is between two people and it won’t work if she doesn’t even try.  If she is mad at you thats her problem

Post # 4
Member
8353 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

You stated “She is kind of quiet and isn’t much of a talker.” You know that she is this way and she answers when you call or returns your call if she isn’t available when you call. I wouldn’t fault her for that. That is just her personality. She probably appreciates your efforts and considers you a wonderful friend for reaching out to her. She probably gets mad when she isn’t included because no one asked her if she wanted to be included. If I were you, I would talk to her and let her know that you would like her to call you some of the time to ask you if you need help with something and also let her know it is okay to suggest that you both meet at your place instead of hers. She probably feels intimiidated by you.

Post # 5
Member
2513 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

Does your friend have a serious SO? Does she have kids? Full-time job and school? I just wonder if it’s a TIME thing, or if there’s some other reason for her to act like that?

I have a friend like this.. We used to work together, so we would talk all the time, then I got a job somewhere else so we had no contact except through internet and phone because she lives quite a distance from me. At first, she did a good job keeping in touch, but then it tapered off. I was always the one calling her or texting, and when we talked it was like she really wasn’t THAT interested in what I was saying. I think she actually held a grudge because I moved on from that job, and it really hurt my feelings because I never tried to rub it in her face. I wanted her to be happy for me, but instead she avoided me. I guess she got over it though, because now we can talk pretty much normally. She is married and has 2 small kids, and we have only gotten together a few times in almost a year of not working together. I chalk it up to her being very busy with a family. I don’t have any kids right now, but when I do I hope people are understanding when I get really busy!

I hope you guys can start communicating better, and that your friend will try to put more effort into the relationship. A one-sided friendship doesn’t count!

Post # 7
Member
49 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I have many friends like that. I am quite often the one to pick up the phone and set up dinner dates etc. I am a far more organized individual than a lot of my friends, and I’m conscientious about spending one-on-one time with them.

That being said, I have had to let friends go … because it is one thing to always be the one to call/email/initiate hanging out etc., as long as it is appreciated and reciprocated. I recently cut a friend out of my life, who I haven’t heard from in a year now, despite my repeated attempts (and I was her bridesmaid the fall of 08). I’ve just come to realize, that if someone can’t appreciate the effort and energy I am willing to put forth, then they aren’t that great a friend.

So, I wouldn’t say she isn’t interested, unless it becomes a habit that she isn’t returning calls etc. Though, I would be concerned about her getting mad about not being included in everything.

Post # 8
Member
1566 posts
Bumble bee

I think this behavior is just a part of your friend’s personality. Some people tend to naturally be the organizers, while others like someone else to make the plans. Often, pairing the two personality types makes for a great relationship. 

So I wouldn’t focus on who arranges the get-togethers. Does she seem excited to see you? Do you have fun together? Is she there for you when you need her? If so, I think you don’t have a problem. If you really hate the role of the organizer, that’s a different issue. Then you could talk to her about it and see if she can make the effort to initiate contact more. 

PS If you want her to come to your place instead of you going to hers, why don’t you just ask her over? 

Post # 10
Member
8353 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

@Crazy Bee: I thought that way because you are so much more outgoing than your friend. I am kinda like your friend. I won’t ever invite myself to someone elses home. I have to be invited. I guess I am afraid of the no factor. I am also shy about things like that. I figure if someone wants me to come over, they will ask me. Also, about the phone calls, I always feel like I am interupting people when I call, so I don’t usually do the calling. I guess I can identify with your friend. I am also a shy person. I have to “work up the courage” to speak to people, even if they are my friend. I know it drives people crazy, but that is just how I am. On the other hand, I don’t have a problem talking to complete strangers when I go grocery shopping. I don’t know why that is though. Maybe it is because I don’t know them and I don’t have to worry about them judging me.

Post # 11
Member
8353 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

About the initiating, if I was the friend you are talking about, I would appreciate it very much if you just came out and told me exactly what you wanted/expected of me. It would make it much easier for me.

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