Post # 1
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
Hey Hive,
I am using a alias since I frequently post on WB.
Last week, groomsman-zilla went to our wedding website and became highly upset about what I wrote about him. Me and the groomsman-zilla never really got along. We were always coridal to one another. The Groomsman beleives I failed to give homage to him and FI’s friendship of more than 10 years. The Language I used was:
J and FI have been friend since their undergrad days at $%^ University. They are not only fraternity brothers but hold a deep bond that will last a lifetime. Although J and I butt heads occasionally, J has the best intentions for FI.” He belives that everyone’s else summary was much more heartfelt.
The Groomsman-zilla continues to go on to say that I did not list him as “co-best man” and I placed him at the bottom of the page. I told him that it was not clear about him being a co-best man to me and that I randomly listed people on the website. He immediately declines to be a member of the wedding party.
The next 2 days, Groomsman-zilla send out a email to his fraternity listserv stating he is no longer involved in the wedding. He sned another email stating that I was choosing FI’s best man and telling the frat brothers they may not get invite to the wedding.FI was pissed off and called his frat brothers.
Later that week, Groomsman-zilla, FI and I all met to in person to talk about the drama. Groomsman-zilla and I did a bit of finger pointint. Groomsman-zilla became very aggressive stting I was trying to ruin his friendship with FI & continued be arrogant.
I became highly upset and told groomsmans-zilla he was not invited to attend our nupitals. FI is disappointed that I univinted him and still wants him to attend. I told FI that Groomsman-zilla needs to apologize for his behavior and arrogant comments to me.
I wanted to see if I am overreacting or am I right to request a apology for a man who crossed the line?
Post # 3
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee
I think he needs to apologize, because he definitely crossed several lines. And I think FI should ask him to apologize to you both.
BUT – I also think he should be invited to the wedding, because it’s clearly important to your FI.
Honestly, it sounds like there was fault on both sides. I see his point about your summary – I don’t think it’s appropriate to put on there that the two of you butt heads occasionally, specifically because it can cause hurt feelings and end in a bad reaction (like the one you got). I would have just focused on his relationship with FI, and left it at that. But it’s also not a HUGE deal, and he didn’t address it appropriately at all. And then neither of you handled it appropriately when youa ll met in person – there’s no reason to do any finger pointing there. That was a perfect opportunity to resolve the issue once and for all, and clearly that didn’t happen, and my guess is it’s because of the finger pointing involved.
So yes, he needs to apologize, and I think FI should request an apology on your behalf. But he should also be invited to the wedding – your FI wants him there, he’s close enough that your FI wanted him as groomsman. And it’s your FI’s wedding just as much as yours. Even if you don’t talk to the guy the entire day of the wedding, if your FI wants him there that is enough to justify the invite, IMO.
Post # 4
Member
1330 posts
Bumble bee
Hi there,
First, it sounds like he was hurt and throwing a big tantrum. After reading what you wrote, I agree that it is not appropriate to circle around a possible issue between you and him (publicly via your wedding website). It comes across as kinda passive aggressive, even if intended to be lightheateded. I mean, why bother to even say that you and him disagree or dont meet eye to eye…etc…I would have just left that line out.
While I think he was more in the wrong by his reaction, I think both of you are in the wrong and I think that you should have asked your FI what he wanted written about his groomsmen on the site.
I also think you shouldn’t let a wedding get in between your FI and his friend’s friendship, so I don’t think it was your palce to uninvite him-that should be a mutual decision as it is both you AND your FI wedding, and ultimately, his friend.
Sorry if that isn’t the most popular advice you might get but I am being brutally honest, here.
Post # 5
Member
471 posts
Helper bee
Why is it important for you FI to have him there when he disrespected both you and FI by spreading lies? If it is a good reason I would say to let him come and hope he doesn’t train wreck your wedding once the liquor starts flowing and never speak to him again.
ETA: I agree that you should change the wording on the wedding website. You were wrong to put anything about you and his relationship in there.
Post # 6
Member
249 posts
Helper bee
@mrsotg: Perfect summary of my feelings, as well…
Post # 7
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee
I agree with @fivemonthsnotice completely – I don’t think what you wrote was appropriate. You didn’t even list an option in the poll suggesting that YOU could have been in the wrong as well – maybe that shows you you need to look at his perspective a bit more?
You should probably be the bigger person and apologise first, you don’t want your FI to be in the middle and not have his friend as a groomsman on his wedding day right? You might not like each other but if it’s just petty stuff, get past it for FI’s sake.
Post # 8
Member
1562 posts
Bumble bee
I think what you wrote on the website was so, so inappropriate. Why would you go out of your way to point out that you guys don’t get along? I would be so upset if my friend’s FI wrote something like that about me.
Post # 9
Member
2494 posts
Buzzing bee
@Laura_224: agree. I think you both need to apologize to each other.
Post # 10
Member
11239 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
While I agree with other PPs that what you wrote on the website was not appropriate (agreeing with PP that you should have asked your FI what he wanted written about his GMs), he way overreacted. I mean, really? An email blast crying about it and lying to mutual friends? Is he 12? I mean, it’s good that he stepped down so that you guys didn’t have to kick him out, but I don’t think he should be invited. With the way he reacted already, he’s shown that he doesn’t deserve to come and celebrate with you.
Post # 11
Member
936 posts
Busy bee
I’ll preface this by saying he way overreacted and honestly I can’t believe a grown man would get so upset about not being listed as a co-best man or his name coming last. That being said, considering the comment you made, I can believe he absolutely thought you purposely left off his title and listed him last, and that started this whole thing. Agree with others your summary of him was completely inappropriate.
Also, I do not think it was your place to disinvite him. If your fiance wanted to, that should have been his call.
You can both apologize to each other, but it sounds like neither one would be sincere, as you both believe the other was in the wrong. I’d just call it a draw and move on. Your fiance can tell him he is still wanted in the wedding if that is what your fiance wants.
Post # 12
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
Honestly I think you both are wrong.Clearly there no love lost between the two of you and there is some bad history . There is no reason for you to write that passive agressive statement on the wedding party for all other guest to know that you aren’t fond of him. And trust me it’s easy to read between the lines of the statement.
He majorly overreacted and behaved like a child. Instead of bringing clam and peace to the situation you instead behaved in a simular fashion. I dont think you had the right to disinvite him to your wedding, he is your Fi friend and that was his call to make after all its his wedding too.
I think your Fi needs to speak to groommans tell him his behavior was outline, ask him to retract his sstatements, and apologize to you. I think you owe him an apology as well.
Then both of you need to limit your interactions and be cordial when you see each other. YOur Fi has been friends with this guy for ten years! He clearly still wants him at the wedding. Don`t create bad feelings or resentment on his part. Be the bigger person in this situation.
Post # 13
Member
1253 posts
Bumble bee
I think you need to add a voting choice, because I think both you and the groomsman have acted poorly and need to apologize to each other and to your FI.
Post # 14
Member
135 posts
Blushing bee
Sorry but I have to agree with what everyone else has said. Yes, he blew it up to something larger than it needed to be and he should apologize but you should not have written that and he deserves an apology too. None of your guests care that you guys butt heads and honestly it’s none of their business. All that matters is that up until this point, he has been a good friend to your FI. So much so that your FI wanted him to be by his side on his wedding day. I think the two of you need to sit down and act like adults who both love and care about your FI and put his feelings in front of yours and make it work. Good luck 🙂
Post # 15
Member
138 posts
Blushing bee
While I think he was out of line, I believe what you wrote on your wedding website about his relationship with you FI was also out of line. I think you both should apologize to one another.
Post # 16
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
@reebee agreed I didn’t vote on the poll
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