(Closed) Talk with delusional mom is numbing at best

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
140 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

You poor thing. I totally know where you are coming from. To make a very long and tragic story short, I estranged myself from my mother about a year ago and it is the best thing I have ever done. She is mentally ill as well so she is extremely dislusional. She kept me from my birth father for 27 years all because he didnt want to marry her. So I was raised thinking this other man was my dad(He is an alcholic so I dont talk to him either), until I was 19 and my older sister finally told me. When my sister was 4, my mother made her promise to never tell me and she threatened her. Who threatens a 4 year old? My mother. Now that I have finally found my father after searching for 10 years I am happy with my decision to cut her out. Before I found him, and after I stopped talking to her I felt like I had no parents. When I was having issues I just wanted to have a mother that I could call up and have her tell me it would all be ok. I have tried to talk to my FI’s mom, but its just not the same. My birth fathers wife is happy to step in and be my mom but we still need to grow that relationship before I can get to that point.

I didnt want to have children either because I was so afraid of treating him the way that I was treated. I was so afraid that bad treatment of children was hereditary. Turns out its not. I got pregnant(not by choice) and now I have an amazing son with an amazing man. Everyday I do my best to ensure that he is treated the exact opposite of how I was treated. He is how I prove my mom and step dad wrong. I put her out of my life because I dont want her around my son because I know that she will find someway to fill him with toxic lies. If you choose to have a child one day, I bet you will surprise yourself and your mother how good of a mom you can be. We are a lot stronger then we think we are because of how we were raised.

Its so sad what some of us had to deal with growing up but now its our turn to change what becomes of our life. I keep all toxic people out of my life and that goes for my own mother. I feel cheated out of a perfect childhood I could have had with my real father and his amazing family. All you can do now is accept that she isnt going to change(at least as long as she is off meds) and surround yourself with positive people that love you.Just putting this out there, because this is what I did, have you considered seeing a councellor? It has made me sooo much better and now I know how to deal with the feelings that I associate with her.

I hope you feel better soon and can have the life you know you deserve.

Post # 4
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

last year some time my mom started talking about when we were kids and i swear she must have been talking about a different family because it sure as heck wasnt mine!   i flat out told her that wasnt even sober enough to know if we went to school or not let alone read to us every night and the reaction from her, well lets just say i walked out of the house because she was making up this happy home that never existed. my brother and i have since spoken about her delusions… she really thinks she was a good mom *roll eyes*  

ive found a place for myself where nothing my mom says or does can hurt me anymore, shes this person i know but i feel no emotional connection to – i hope one day you will find what youre looking for but please dont torture yourself because others let you down, you are not responsible for their actions. goodluck


Post # 6
4546 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I’m so sorry 🙁 I can relate to feeling like you want to have a normal mother that you can share things with. My mother is borderline/bipolar and she is very tough to be around. Like you, I was a caretaker for my mother growing up. Lending her money, cleaning the house, cooking dinner, etc and in some ways I feel like I lost out on my teenage years a bit. Even now she’s constantly alienating herself from people, calling me crying about how awful life is, and spending all of her money to the point where she can’t pay for gas. It can be such a difficult thing to deal with and my heart goes out to you. I feel sad sometimes when I think about our relationship but then I have to remind myself that she is responsible for the decisions she makes and in part, for the relationship (or lack therefore that we have). Just recently I was supposed to go visit her (without DH) and before I even got on the plane she was screaming at me and hanging up on me so I left the airport and didn’t go see her. When I called her later to explain why I didn’t get on the plane, she acted like I made the entire thing up. Growing up she always made me feel like I was crazy because she’d be screaming at me one minute, and all calm the next, denying that she was ever upset. Very crazy stuff.

I’m closer to my Mother-In-Law than I am to my mother and I can relate to feeling like it’s ‘wrong’ somehow, but it’s not. Healthy relationships with other mothers are a good thing, especially when the relationship with your own mother isn’t healthy. I still strugle with this and know it will be tough when we have kids and Mother-In-Law is closer to them than my mother but again, my mother is responsible for her choices and her beahvior and that’s just the way it is.

Anyway, just wanted to say I know how you feel and know how tough it is. But everything will work itself out and you’ll find ways to deal with it. Feel free to PM if you want 🙂

Post # 7
140 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Since depression runs so deep in my family on my moms side, I kept check of my symptoms after I had my son and now I have to stay medicated because it can get pretty bad. When it comes to my son, I am just going to keep him informed about it and watch out for the symptoms so we can treat it as fast as possible. I had to stop talking to my mother because even a 2 minute conversation could turn disfunctional. She sucks me in with her words. Its like she gives me a taste of a real, normal mother and then takes it all away. I have tried to tell her she needs help and how what she does effects me but she just doesnt seem to care or listen.

Just remember you are not her and you can have a better life now. I dont know if the envious feelings will ever go away but we can do our best to enjoy the here and the now.

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