(Closed) Talked about being a bridesmaid with a friend too soon- Need advice!!

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 16
7368 posts
Busy Beekeeper

If its really just family, that’s a simple verbal conversation. Some about letter about costs will not go well.

Post # 17
826 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

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AdalynnJade:  Are there other people in the bridal party alongside the siblings? If it was a family only situation then that would soften the blow as a legit explanation. On the other hand if there are other people on top of your siblings then that means you have a huge bridal party and as your friend, I would feel a bit gutted.

I would definitely keep her as your bridesmaid, in terms of damage control it could be a lot worse. Also I wouldn’t have this sort of conversation in writing. Best to talk over the phone or in person. I’ve had this sort of thing done to me on Facebook and I felt fobbed off.

Post # 18
220 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016 - World\'s Fair Pavilion

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courtneysokal : You both are absolutely right, they are completely self-imposed costs, but they’re also things that I’ve chosen to prioritize. Each of us is planning a wedding that fits our vision of the perfect day; some people have their hearts set on an over-the-top dress, others want gourmet food or a killer band. For me to have the wedding day I’m dreaming of, I’ve decided those are the costs that I’m willing to take on. 

I think it goes without saying that the OP can absolutely find places to cut back if having this friend as a bridesmaid is important. I’m just trying to show a little empathy and acknowledge that this whole wedding planning business is deeply personal and it’s tough for us to know exactly how having an extra bridesmaid will affect the OP’s plans.

Post # 19
1183 posts
Bumble bee

So many Bridesmaid or Best Man ‘costs’ are often things that benefit the bride. Eg robes, hair, makeup etc. 

I bought Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses on clearance and got their hair done. They did the rest. The hair was done at my usual hair salon so no big markup and a small discount. 

Keep the Bridesmaid or Best Man without having the trimmings. People are more important. 

Post # 20
2730 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

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craftandclover:  I totally understand having a “wedding vision” and wanting certain things. And that’s perfectly fine if you can afford them. But if you’re cutting your friend out of your bridal party in exchange for fancy robes and a higher-end Bridesmaid or Best Man dress? Idk…. My wedding priorities were my loved ones, not gourmet food. Hell, my perfect “wedding vision” that I had my heart absolutely set on for over a year was to have all my BM’s in pale pink or a pale nuetral tone. All of my BM’s said they didn’t think they’d look good in those colors and they’d feel uncomfortable. So I switched to a deeper purple because I want my girls happy, comfortable, and feeling good about themselves.

But, I also know I’m more laid back than the average bride so my advice doesn’t pertain to everyone. My biggest issue is that she already informally asked this girl. If she hadn’t and just realized she couldn’t have more BMs so she could afford to have nicer dresses or whatever, then fine! No harm, no foul. But to hurt the feelings of a good friend and possibly alter the relationship over material expenses that just aren’t necessary… it’s not worth it IMO.

Post # 21
13901 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Not cool.  This is a potentially friendship-ending move.  You opened your mouth and started the conversation, and now you have to deal with the consequences.

Post # 22
106 posts
Blushing bee

Yup, no way out of this – you are choosing between a friend and money. I don’t think that there is any graceful way to do this, but that being said, to each their own. Doing it in person is probably adviseable – we use text and e-mail these days to ‘hide’ in a sense. I think if there is any salvaging the situation, you should let her know in person. I don’t suggest you ask her to do something else. Personally, i’ve been the ‘church reader’ far too many times that I kind of find it offensive. Meh again, to each their own.

Post # 23
9829 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

I agree with PPs that it is rude to not have her as a bridesmaid at this point. Does your Fiance have sisters/family members that are on your side or are all 5 your sisters/family members? If he does, are you close with them beyond them being his family or not? If not, you don’t have to have them on your side (unless you want to!), your Fiance could have them on his or they don’t have to be in the bridal party. They could also have another role like doing a reading or MCing or something. The same applies if you have a brother/male relative on FI’s side.

I disagree with PPs about the cost factor, it can be expensive to have another bridesmaid. There are many areas where the bride and groom (or whoever is paying for the wedding) pay for the bridesmaids’ and groomsmen’s attire, it is covered by the wedding budget. Places like some parts of Canada I believe, the UK, most of Australia and New Zealand. It can vary from circle to circle of course, but the OP and her Fiance could very possibly be covering the costs of the bridal party’s attire and so having another bridesmaid would add to the costs significantly.

However I do think you should keep her as a bridesmaid OP, just consider the family bridesmaids carefully, unless you have already told them too!

Post # 24
585 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

OP, don’t do this. You will regret it. I agree with PP that while hair, makeup, jewelry, and gifts are all a part of the Pinterest-perfect wedding, in the end, what really matters is having your loved ones with you on your day. BMs buy their own dresses, and that’s all they need. Save money on gifts by shopping for bargains or DIYing. Offer an optional hair dresser and makeup artist that they have to pay for themselves. Do not cut out a friend so you can pay for other friends to have their hair done. If your Fiance does not want to cut back on an expensive gift or wardrobe choice for his groomsmen, have an uneven wedding party. Include only–but ALL of those you want with you on your day. 

Post # 25
157 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Honestly, you may lose a friend over this. No matter how you “soften the blow”, you already asked her, she agreed, and now you want to tell her money is more important than friendship and having her there.

reference: this has happened to me and our “friendship” will probably never recover. I am hurt by her actions and beyond glad I waited to ask my bridesmaids as I do NOT want someone who puts money ahead of friends standing up with me. She can take a long walk off a short pier. Enjoy your money. 

Post # 26
927 posts
Busy bee

If you’re definitely going to do this… what you wrote focuses too much on you and how bad you feel. You should be telling her how much she means to you and that you hate to do this to her, why you love her and asked her in the first place, but unfortunately family obligations have taken over. 

If you are having only family bridesmaids, you’ll probably be okay. If you’re having some friends as well but not this friend, your friendship will probably never be the same again. 

Post # 27
19 posts
  • Wedding: May 2016

Here is my suggestion- when I had thought of everyone whom I wanted to either walk down the aisle or stand beside me, family or not, I asked them if they would like to wlak down the aisle, or prefer to come as a guest.  Some people have a very hard time standing in front of people, or feel like all eyes are on them, which can make them nervous.  I was very suprised at the response I got.  So, maybe you can give everyone in your wedding party one last :out” so to speak, and make sure they know regardless if they want to be in the wedding party or not, you would have them there because they’re so important in your life, and it just wouldn’t be the same.

IF you have spoke with this girl about details, have her be your sounding board, your support, I really don’t think “un-asking” is the right thing to do, and you should chalk it up as a lesson learned and eat the cost, or cut back other places.  If you’ve only spoke to her that one time about it all, maybe you could say something like we are not getting the financial support we thought, so we are only able to have family in the wedding party, however I want you to be there while we get ready, and I will save a spot in the front row, so I know my nearest and dearest are close.  I think you worded the “letter” nicely, but it seems very distant and cold, as if you don’t know her that well, almost generic.  Like if you say how awful it is enough in a bunch of different ways, then maybe it wouldn’t hurt so bad.  If she’s planned a wedding herself, I would say she would understand, because weddings aren’t cheap.  I’m just not sure other than a floral bouquet, how much more it would add to the exspense.  Don’t feel pressured into getting extravagent gifts, etc., because you are asking them to celebrate a huge milestone in your life WITH you.  Including great food, possibly, drinks, and dancing, and to me, I fell that is enough, especially if you then have favors for your guests, as well.  My thoughts is, don’t try to “buy” their good time, or good memories.  The day is about you and your Fiance future together, not this one day.  Good luck.

Post # 28
64 posts
Worker bee

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AdalynnJade:  I have to go along with the general consensus here. Don’t even think about dropping your friend as a bridesmaid. If you drop your friend from the bridesmaid list, this will be a lot more hurtful to your friend and likely much more damaging to your relationship than I think you realized when asking this.

And I don’t think you are a terrible person, willing to hurt your friend and at best damage your relationship for material gain. I don’t think you realized how terrible it would probably go over if you did it. And for that reason, I’m glad you asked us here, because now a bunch of people have been able to tell you that it is an absolutely horrible idea before you did it and before it was too late to change your mind.

Post # 29
31 posts

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You do NOT have to do most of these things, except the dinner. As a bridesmaid, I don’t want a robe (will never use it again, goes straight to goodwill). I don’t want my hair or make up done by someone else and prefer to do it myself. You don’t have to require or pay someone to do her hair and make up.

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