Post # 1
My SO said that he never talked about marriage because he hates how people talk/fantasize about marriage or forever in the beginning of a relationship and then end up breaking up 1-3 years later. He could never say that he wanted to or hoped to marry me or anything similar (except one time when we had a “why no marriage talk” talk he said without hesitation that he loved me enough to marry me). Basically for him, you shouldn’t talk about marriage until the e-ring is on the finger or close to being bought.
I’m wondering if the rest of you all have ever done what my SO doesn’t want to ever do: make promises/share hopes of marriage when you’re falling in love and then end up breaking up.
Note: These difficulties & conversations were years ago. We’ll probably get engaged this year, he just didn’t want to make promises or predict the future (he can barely make plans for this coming weekend, let alone for life).
Post # 3
Darling Husband was my first serious Boyfriend or Best Friend so for me, no – I never fantisized/talked/imagined marriage with anyone else.
That said – I don’t think it is a problem for people to have done so (within reason). Many people have multiple very serious, numerous year long relationships before they untimately find the right person to settle down with. There is nothing wrong with thinking that one of those serious relationships could end in marriage. I’d just be concerned if someone is fantisizing marriage with every Boyfriend or Best Friend they have after just a few months kind of thing.
Post # 4
I’m the obligatory other – my ex talked about it and I just listened but didn’t participate since I didn’t want to marry him – haha!
Post # 5
- Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch
My first two adult relationships were long-term (3-1/2 years and 1-1/2 years), so of course we talked about marriage. Why would you stay with someone for so long if you don’t see the potential for a future, or at least agree on your ultimate goals for the relationship? And I certainly thought about whether or not it would be a possibility with other exes.. and decided it wasn’t, which is among the many reasons why they were exes. 🙂
Post # 6
I understand your SO’s point of view. I think a lot of people bring up marriage far too early in a relationship.
Your post made me think. EVERY serious boyfriend I ever had talked about marriage at some point. Every one. From my high school boyfriend to my college boyfriend, to the guys I dated seriously after college but before I met my husband. And it was always the guy that brought it up. Now, not all of them ended up proposing, but they all did talk about it.
Post # 7
While I understand where your SO is coming from, I think it’s only natural to get to a point of talking about marriage when you’re with someone you think you really will spend the rest of your life with.
For me, I talked to one ex about it. We had been dating for about 2 years and were talking about taking the next step within a year. I was beyond excited, but then things just got really bad with our relationship. I just plain wasn’t happy with his lack of enthusiasm for anything…especially for me. We broke it off b/c I was unhappy, and I met my now husband 3 years later. So, it was something that just happened, and I’m glad I didn’t marry the first guy I thought I was going to marry!
Post # 8
I talked pretty seriously about marriage with one of my exes. I was convinced we were going to get married–I couldn’t imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone else. I call him my “The Ex”–the one I think I could have been happy with, had our lives taken a different path (a natural disaster and a mental illness were among the chief reasons we split up).
He still calls me “The Biggest Question Mark of His Life” even though I’m now happily married and he’s close to getting engaged himself. I don’t think having those conversations jinxed the relationship. Life simply got in our way, and we didn’t fight to stay together.
But even still, when I met my husband, I avoided having the marriage talk for a very long time. I was fairly confident when we met that I would marry him, but we had both just gotten out of serious relationships, and the last thing I wanted to do was scare him off. It was a very long time before it came up, and only then when he had decided I needed to be his wife.
I don’t think it’s a bad thing to talk about it, especially in serious relationships.
Post # 9
My college ex and I talked about it – we were actually planning to get engaged, but then he turned out to be an ass, cheated on me, lied to/about me, and I left him. Good riddance!
I will say, I think if we hadn’t talked so much about marriage early in our relationship, we would have broken up a lot sooner. We felt like there was more commitment there than there really needed to be though, because we were “planning” to get married. Several times we discussed breaking up, and always went back to, “We’re dating because we want to get married. If we were married, we would need to work through this. So we need to work through it.”
Faulty, faulty logic!
Fortunately, I dodged a HUGE bullet and got out of that relationship after 3 1/2 years of unhealthy. 🙂
Post # 10
My exes consited of casual FWB and an emotionally abusive jerk. I never planned, fantasized or even entertained the idea of a future with any of them.
Escapism, yes, future, no.
Post # 11
I’ve talked about it with most of the guys I dated – but never seriously. But every once in a while, jokingly, we’d be like, “Oh no, can you imagine if we were to get married? Our kids would have X from you, and Y from me, and that would end up as Z!!!” Or sometimes just, “Hey, if we ever were to get married, let’s win the lottery before we retire.” That sort of thing.
I only ever talked about it seriously with one ex – and we got back together a few years later, and now he IS the one I’m going to marry! So…
Post # 12
I was engaged before so yeah…
My current Fiance and I decided in the first few months that we are gonna get married in Ireland and 4 years later we are, well in Northern Ireland, but still. So i def disagree wit your b/f.
Post # 13
I never really talked about or fantasized about marriage with exes. The guy I dated for two years in college – I think we may have talked about how we knew we wouldn’t eventually get married. My fiance is really the first person I’ve dated where I’ve really felt any desire to deal with that kind of long term commitment.
Part of it might be age. Also part of it is that I’ve never wanted kids and everyone I’ve dated before my fiance knew they wanted them. At age 18 or 20 it wasn’t really a reason not to be with someone, since I didn’t really want to marry someone I met that young. But it certainly kept talk of marriage out of the picture.
Post # 14
I’ve only been in two serious relationships. J as well. My previous relationship was a little over 3 years. My ex would talk marriage and children. I listened, nodded, and smiled. J and I have been together 1-1/2 years now and we got engaged in December. Completely unexpected. We spoke briefly about marriage once or twice. Nothing serious whatsoever. In the beginning of our relationship, he told me he didn’t want to get married because it was a joke these days and he doesn’t believe that he should have to pay someone to get divorced. I can understand where he’s coming from. His ex of 5 years cheated on him with a lot of different guys. I’m not sure if they ever talked marriage though. I don’t care to find out really. Seems I have changed his mind. 😛
Post # 15
When my first husband and I went on our first date in highschool, he went home and told his parents he was going to marry me someday, so the thought was always there with him. After we divorced, I dated several different guys. I had a serious relationship with a man who told me on our very first date that he never wanted to get married, and never wanted to have kids. I am sad that it took me 6 years to get it through my head that he was telling the truth and that he was not marriage material. I totally gave up dating for about 3 years before I met my Fiance. When we met, it was like an “AHA! so this is who I’ve been waiting for” experience. I didn’t bring up marriage for a long time. It took about two years and we had this conversation about the future and I asked him “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” and he said “Well, I know you are the biggest part of my future, I do know that.” And I think that is when I really felt like that was it, we were in it for the long haul.
Post # 16
I think the only time marriage was brought up was when I jokingly mentioned “My dad won’t let me marry you, because you’re not Korean.” And then at the end he asked a few months post-breakup “Would you have stayed if I asked you to marry me?”
The funny thing is, HUBBY isn’t Korean and my dad loves him! 🙂 and the answer to that question from ex was “HELL F-IN NO, it would’ve made me run away faster!” 🙂
Needless to say, it would’ve been a wasted conversation and I’m glad that it was never discussed as a serious topic during our 4 years on/off.