(Closed) Talking about marriage during a study abroad LDR- HELP!

• Ms. Anemone
• 8 years ago

• Wedding: January 2012

I am 22 also, and have been in an LDR for two years.

An LDR can definitely grow your relationship in different, even deeper ways than a ‘normal’ relationship where you’re with each other each day.

As with everything in life, this all requires balance. Of course, I can’t speak directly to your relationship, but I can offer a little advice that may or may not be helpful:

First, don’t get married on a whim. Be level-headed and discerning in the midst of all the wonderful excitement that you two are in right now. Don’t be stodgy by any means–be happy and excited!–but don’t become so swept up in everything that you’re blinded to important issues or “red flags.”

That being said, you just can’t live in fear of the divorce statistics! (My parents were divorced as well, so I understand being afraid–but this is your life, your marriage! It doesn’t have to end up like theirs.) If you know, you know. Maybe it’s sooner than you expected, but you can just high-five fate for bringing him along earlier than you planned.

Again, I don’t know your relationship, but just because you’ve begun talking about marriage doesn’t mean you need to get engaged next week, so don’t feel pressured or rushed.

Age really does have so little to do with it. If you want my opinion (ha, you have no choice but to let me type!), I think the defining factors begin with individual security and maturity. Some people have it at 18, some people don’t have it at 42. Then, I think the relationship needs well-developed communication and conflict resolution, as well as solidified commitment.

Ha, I am sorry for the analytical essay. Reading it sounds almost like a marriage recipe, but I hope you understand what I’m trying to say.

I am so, so happy for you two finding such joy in all the struggle that a LDR can bring. 

hugs to you both!

• MissBev
• 8 years ago

• Wedding: September 2012

I’m a little confused on how you’re feeling about everything but I’ll take a shot at it.

Right now, I’m in a similar position as you. I’m 21, and senior in college, and i’m spending this semester in Japan. I got engaged right before I left in August to my fiance whom i’ve been with for a little over 2 years.

You’re one lucky girl, what I wouldn’t give to have my fiance come visit me while I’m here! I can understand why you’re nervous to see him. You haven’t been around him in awhile, a lot of things have been running through your mind, but I honestly think once you finally get to see him all the nerves will be disappear and you’ll just be happy to be with the guy you love 🙂

To be honest, when my fiance and I first started talking about marriage it made me a little nervous. Excited and happy, but still nervous. That’s a huge, life changing step that you take in a relationship when you find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. I think that nerves are fine, but if the thought of marriage changes the way you think you feel about him in a negative way, that may be a red flag. When Fiance finally did propose, it was perfect timing for the both of us and I was ready to say yes. If something does happen while he’s there and he decides to propose, do what feels right, not what you think you have to do.

With that being said, just make sure that you are both on the same level when it comes to the relationship. Don’t rush into anything you are uncomfortable with. Enjoy your visit with him; cherish it! Grow from the experience 🙂 Good luck!

• Ms. Anemone
• 8 years ago

• Wedding: January 2012

@FrenchBee: You’re welcome! Glad I could be of some help.

Miss Bev, your advice & story are so wonderful! I definitely identify with the nervousness about starting to discuss marriage. We are in the same place, just waiting for that perfect timing when we’re just ready to be engaged.

• KatNYC2011
• 8 years ago

• Wedding: September 2011

I am recently engaged, but part of the relationship was long distance.

My Fiance and I started dating when I was a Sophomore in college (and he was a Junior).

He moved to NYC after graduation while I was still in school in NC (and over the summers he was in NY while I was living in CA).

When I graduated (after 1 year of long distance) we were already talking a bit about marriage and spending the “rest of our lives” together.

However, when I moved up to NYC as well, I felt it was very important to have my own place first (rather than move in with him right away).

I wanted to prove to myself that I could be a responsible adult and I needed to have a year on my own to really “grow up”. We still spent a lot of time together (at his place and mine) but I learned a lot about myself once I left college.

Being a “real adult” is very different than being in college. We moved in together after that year, and lived together for 3 1/2 years before he proposed (we had been dating 6 1/2 years by the time he proposed).

I was ready for the proposal a little earlier than he was, but we’ll be 27 and 28 when we get married next September so we are still young.

Both of you moving out to CA is wonderful, but from my experience, I would suggest living on your own first (even just for a year) to see who you really are once you leave college. You both are still growing, maturing, and learning about yourselves and that self discovery is very important. For my Fiance and I it just solidified our relationship and made us even more sure of our commitment to each other.