(Closed) Talking money and career pre-engagement

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
3246 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Haha, yup! It was the same talk as ‘when are we getting engaged?’  he wants to have his next job when we get engaged, because he wants to have a career in a city I can have opportunities in as well. We work in the same field, and it’s hard to get jobs in it sometimes…

 

It really sometimes helps with resumes to state that five year goal (customized to if you got that job, of course!) so now is a great time for you two to have that talk.

Post # 4
Member
1544 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Depends how long you’ve been together. If your serious together then idk why you’d be worried… I mean talk to him about what he actually wants to do with his life. Its just a conversation… you aren’t bein a career counselor unless you push it on him.

I butted myself in on my now fiance’s job search and insist that he let me re do his resume for him because it was horrible. I’m convinced thats the only reason he actually got a call back at the job he has now but who knows. He was happy when i was done.

Post # 6
Member
663 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017 - Vegas Wedings

It very normal to discuss career plans and money (asuming you two are “serious”). Since you are helping with his resume you have a great way to open the career conversation. Like babeba:  said “It really sometimes helps with resumes to state that five year goal (customized to if you got that job, of course!) so now is a great time for you two to have that talk.”

As one type “A” person to another, try your very bestest to use the “we” word and not tell him he should do anything. I try to ask leading questions so that my SO sees what Im thinking and/ or have a positive answer even if Im shooting his proposal down. My personal example is regarding our ongoing conversation on where he should apply for jobs. Some places I like but some are a TOTAL no-go for me. So I say something like, ” I LOVE the idea of living in New York city. That would be so fun! But wouldnt it be nice to be closer to family? I guess I just like the idea of being able to drop our kids off at your moms when we need a babysitter. I mean, she’s so great with kids.”

 

Post # 7
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

These are issues you should have thoroughly discussed prior to an engagement, quite frankly. Saying “yes” to marrying someone, to me, means that you are committed to their future as your own. That means knowing what you’re in for. My husband and I had laid all our hopes, dreams, plans, bank accounts, debts, committments on the table long before we got engaged.

Post # 8
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Are you living together? If you are, then this is essential. Even if you aren’t serious, this is his half of the rent/groceries/utilities/etc. on the line.

If you are not living with him and haven’t been together for over a year, I wouldn’t bring it up.

Post # 9
Member
207 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

If you have discussed marriage, you can discuss finances. Once you live together/are married, all of his decisions effect you too so you have every right to talk to him about his goals. If he goal was to tour the country with his garage band, you’d want to know about it. It’s the same with any other profession. You need to make sure that your futures line up with each other’s goals. I think it’s important to find this out before you’re engaged because if he were to travel the country with his band and you weren’t cool with being in a LDR, it would really strain things. (I know, extreme circumstances, but you see my point.)

Post # 11
Member
4125 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

SO and I had already had the marriage talk when he started looking for a new job.  When the job turned out to be overseas we did have a very long chat.  We were pretty sure that we wanted to be together but this kinda solidified things.  Whilst marriage is the ultimate commitment, I think many would agree that moving in together is a biggy. And deciding to move 6500 miles away from everything you know to do that is serious.

SO moved at the beginning of last month, I move after I graduate in June.

@Black-Eyed-Susan:  If you have discussed marriage, you can discuss finances < I agree with this.

SO and I are very open about money.  Our salaries, our debts, our outgoings etc etc.  But it was hard to begin with.  SO was very shy about some of the financial mistakes he’s made over the years.

Post # 12
Member
1278 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I think there is nothing wrong with talking careers and money before you get engaged. Most marriages that end are because of issues with finance so definately having an open and honest conversation is necessary.

I understand your hesitation as I am a type A personality too  but talking about this with my boy made him realise just how much I like to plan and how if I dont have my life planned a few years in advance I actually feel worse!

Good luck with the chat!

Post # 13
Member
171 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

This hits super close to home for me…my SO is a musician as well, only more of a composer than a performer, and he isn’t really sure what he wants to do for his “real” job. He’s been sending his music to publishing companies but no dice so far. I was honest with him and told him I don’t even want to get engaged until he figures his career situation out…but he just doesn’t seem to be able to get it figured out. I have the same struggle, trying not to be his career counselor! πŸ˜›

I guess all I’m trying to say is that I understand. πŸ™‚

Post # 15
Member
5199 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

I would encourage people to be able to talk about this stuff BEFORE they are engaged and married. Indeed, if they cannot talk about it, I would encourage them not to get engaged and married! Engagement and marriage is not going to suddenly give you incredible communication skills if they were not there to talk about this stuff, nor is it going to mean that you aren’t going to find out things that you really would have been better knowing before deciding to get engaged or married!

 

I like what crayfish said, and would agree and say my experience with my husband was similar:

Yes, I think these are thingsThese are issues you should have thoroughly discussed prior to an engagement, quite frankly. Saying “yes” to marrying someone, to me, means that you are committed to their future as your own. That means knowing what you’re in for. My husband and I had laid all our hopes, dreams, plans, bank accounts, debts, committments on the table long before we got engaged.

I do place a VERY high importance on openness and honesty. Right from the first date! To me this is an important part of intimacy, and developing an authentic relationship.

Anyway, yes, my husband and I talked about these things frequently while dating. We talked about everything, and due to our life situations at the time our careers, and finances, were definitely part of it. I was back in school at the time, he was thinking of taking an early retirement from the military, we were both thinking of moving to another province, and there were going to be significant career and financial changes in both our lives, as well as decisions about whether we would be moving together or not.

 

I will say that it is VERY important to not be TELLING him what to do. Listen, ask questions, remain curious and open to what he tells you, but do not try and “fix” things. Offer to provide him suggestions if he WANTS them only.

 

The topic ‘Talking money and career pre-engagement’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors