Post # 1
my partner and I were both surprised after I had a conversation with my dad where he told me that he really wanted to be asked before the engagement happened. This is pretty out of character for my dad, who is very liberal/forward thinking. In fact, my partner and I have been laughing for a while about how awkward it would be if he did ask my dad- we figured the response would be “you’re asking the wrong person!”
so now its clear that my father wants to be included in this. I imagine its a conversation he’s been thinking about for awhile.
Anyway, in order for this to fit with our ideas about what marriage will mean, we’ve decided that my partner will talk to both of my parents, and not really “ask permission” but instead have a conversation with them about why he wants to marry me/ maybe ask about joining our family.
And we decided last night that I should talk to his parents as well! Which I agreed to after a few glasses of wine, but now I’m nervous! Not because they’ll be upset, or because I’m scared of them, but just because its such a big deal and I want to make sure I say everything right and that I’m not awkward (and I’m a pretty awkward person!).
Post # 3
Aw that’s sweet. I know my fiance was very nervous about talking to my father and in hind-sight I wish I would have known he was going to propose so I could have talked to his parents as well (there’s an eight year age gap between my fiance and I) because I think it would have helped smooth out the rough patches before hand instead of dealing with the questions now.
Post # 4
@KaitlinHudson: I’m hoping they will think its a nice gesture. I practiced on him and I figure I’ll say something like “we’re going to start planning for a wedding soon, but I wanted to talk with you first out of respect for your family. I’m excited to spend the rest of my life with him, and wanted to be sure that you were excited for us too, and comfortable with me joining your family.” i don’t know. something like that, i suppose.
Post # 5
Yay for being progressive and equality.
I’m curious though if his parents are also progressive and believe in gender equality. I know my in laws would have thought I was quite presumptuous if I’d come to them about getting engaged before I was actually asked.
I would maybe make it a bit more casual about how much you’ve enjoyed being included in their family, and love their son, and are looking forward to “officially” joining them.
Post # 6
@SapphireSun: His parents are both pretty progressive as well, fortunately, and I think his mom especially will appreciate the gesture. His dad will either cry and hug me, or make a joke about how his son is an idiot if he doesn’t ask soon. Also, I’m pretty sure they’re used to me and my “personal is political” gender equality stuff because I talk about it a lot (its connected to my job/education)
Post # 7
My guy’s parents are so traditional….I bet it would freak them out.
I think it’s wonderful you are doing this and making it your own style!
Post # 8
sounds very sweet, and I’m sure his parents will be impressed! After we got engaged, I sent FH’s mom a card that basically said thank you for raising such a wonderful man and that I couldn’t wait to join her family. Since then, she’s loved me!! 😉
Post # 9
My husband asked my parents. They just responded “you didnt need to ask!!! of course!!!” but he asked both and I think that was great.
To be honest with you i cant really figure out what YOU are going to talk to HIS parents about (not being rude here…just seriously wondering!)
Post # 10
SO cool you’ll be talking to his parents about your intentions! I love the progressiveness. 🙂
Post # 11
ohh that is such a sweet idea! I dont know if I would ask permission of my in laws… but that said, they would just say “why are you asking?”
Good luck with it! Let us know how it goes
Post # 12
@Baileyh: Well, originally we were just going to do it by ourselves and not ask anyone, because we both feel like its our decision to make. But my father made it clear that he wanted to have a conversation with my partner before, and I’d like to find a way to honor that but still respect my belief that “asking” my dad for permission implies possession of women by men (this is totally a personal thing/feeling, I’m not saying that this is how it feels/works for everyone).
After talking a lot about what marriage means to us, we agreed that it does involve our families. And it only seemed fair that since he has been asked to have a conversation with my parents first, that I have one with his parents. I think it will give me a chance to connect with his parents alone (we usually all spend time together), and to share my desire to be a part of their family.
Does that make sense? Nobody is really “asking for permission” but instead we’re trying to have a conversation about family and marriage with each other’s parents.
Post # 13
DD’s husband asked her dad and I, but it was really just a conversation between the three of us about how he feels about her and values her. We all cried our eyes out and welcomed him to the family!