- 6 years ago
- Wedding: April 2013 - A court...
Does he not like the design/ placement?
Does he not like the design/ placement?
I just got a tattoo that my Fiance hates. He called it dumb and that I was stupid for getting it. I have multiple other ones and this is the only one he hates. He hates it because it’s not meaningful, it’s just something I thought was pretty and wanted to get done. The rest of mine all have meaning towards apart of my life or a person and they’re all very meaningful.
However, I didn’t get it done thinking he would hate it. I knew he wouldn’t love it as much as I do, because of the not having a meaning thing, but it’s my body and my money and my canvas to decorate how I want. And he’s learned to accept that I will decorate. It doesn’t change his mind, he still thinks it’s a dumb tattoo, but now it’s apart of me and will be forever, and he just has to accept that, since there’s not much he can do now.
I do however think about him and his opinion before I get any of my tattoos done. I don’t have any on my arms or in any visible place when I’m dressed business casual. This was his request, as he still wanted me to present as a clean cut woman. I have no issues with that, and by allowing him to have some say in what i’m doing on my body, I feel like i’m letting him have a bit of control on something he knows he can’t control on me.
@Lana_Rose: OP, I love chest pieces on women, but if my Fiance told me he didnt’ want me to get one there, then I wouldn’t. I feel like there has to be a compromise, as I compromised with my Fiance with letting him get some say in the placement. He doesn’t get the last say for me, and I can always ignore what he wants, but I asked him his preference before I get any ink done. I think finding out exactly what part of the tattoo bothers him, and how you can work to find a compromise that allows you to decorate your body how you want, but him to still feel like you’re listening to him would be great. Talking to him and figuring out the real reason he’s so against it is probably the only way of getting anywhere with it.
Ahhh this is tricky!
I’ve got my fair share of tattoos, lots in obvious places (chest, neck, arm, back), but my s/o is heavily tattooed..like I’m talking head to his feet (literally, he has his head done haha). So we definitely don’t need to ‘consult’, but we definitely tell eachother before we get anything done as opposed to just going out and getting it. There’s been a few times where I’m not stoked on the idea, and then once it’s done I like it. He likes heavily tattooed girls, enough that he has offered to pay for my sleeves etc (I want at least one finished before the wedding) but fortunately for me I love them so I have no complaints. Only thing he would need to consult with me for, is face. I don’t want his face tattooed, so he’d have to sway me pretty hard to get me on board for something like that.
Are your current tattoos small? Hmmm
I asked my Darling Husband about this, he generally doesn’t like tattoos, doesn’t have any, and wouldn’t be happy if I got one. However, when I described your situation, he was firmly on your side. You both came into the marriage with tattoos. You both have tattoos in visible places. It was understood that you would both be getting more tattoos. It is part of who you are and it predates your relationship. Even without the basic principle that it’s your body, you came into the marriage with an understanding and he can’t be upset when your “agreement” is followed. I do think that out of love and respect for each other he should at least like the tattoo you choose to get, but ultimately whether you get it or not is your decision.
It is a delicate balance. I think if my husband asked me not to, I wouldn’t. He has had an idea for a tat that I don’t favor, and while it is his body, I would be disappointed about it. I think he understands that is how I feel. I have a tat idea I want for myself, and he understands the significance. We agree it would be a good symbol that aligns with who we are. If it didn’t, it would make me unhappy to know he would be unhappy. It would be a reminder every time I looked at it, you know?
Family’s approval: Never, ever necessary.
Spouse approval: I get it. I probably wouldn’t get a tattoo my husband hated the idea of, because I feel like now that we’re married… this might come off weird but I see it as sorta his body a little too. Mostly it’s mine, all the big final calls are mine, obviously, but it’s kind of his a little too and he should have some say.
If we weren’t married it would be different, and I wouldn’t say he gets a call at all, he’s welcome to voice his opinion but if it doesn’t agree with mine it’ll get ignored. But now that we’re husband and wife and it’s FOREVER as much as a tattoo is, I’d consult him and give him veto power just like I’d sorta hope he did for me if he wanted a design on him forever. (Fortunately we’re both unlikely to veto that sort of thing. But I’d want him to let me know and seek my feelings!)
But I don’t think anyone else needs to live the way I do ^^ so I will always be the first to roar “it’s your skin you do what you want to it everyone else can suck a dick.” Just that in my personal life, I won’t get tattoos my husband hasn’t OK’d.
@future_mrs_s: Yes, this is definitely a concern…if I go through with it and he hates it, it will be a constant reminder that I did this against his wishes and I don’t know if a lifetime of that is something I want.
@MrsSkeletonKey: Normally, I would agree with this. But this isn’t my first (or second, third, fourth, etc) tattoo. He has 14 of his own. So as someone who came into the marriage with tattoos, and married someone with tattoos, I just can’t believe this is suddenly an issue for him.
@BtoR: See, I know there are differences between girlfriend and wife and that bothers me. I’m still me. Even married, I’m still me. Even when we have a kid, I’ll still be me. Being a wife and someday a mother will definitely be part of my identity, but I still had an individual identity before we became husband and wife. I guess it’s most frustrating to understand where he’s coming from, because I’ve never cared what anyone thinks, and he cares more than I wish he did.
@atreyu547: I believe his issue is mostly the with in your face placement; however, the placement is something I’m adament about. I already agreed that he could have a say in the design and veto any part of it that he really doesn’t like.
@DelilahDiamond: I believe his issue is mostly the with in your face placement; however, the placement is something I’m adament about. I already agreed that he could have a say in the design and veto any part of it that he really doesn’t like. To me, this is already compromising.
@sillygoat: I have a mix of small and large tattoos. I have three large pieces, one across my back and the other two covering each of my side and ribcage area. I think the issue now is that I want a large one in a very visible place.
@saraja87: Yes, I’ve definitely agreed that even if we can’t both love the placement, he will definitely have some say in the design since he will be looking at it all the time.
@iloverocks: Yea, I do worry about the constant reminder aspect of it. I never want to make Darling Husband unhappy, but at the same time, I don’t want to feel like I have to stop being me to make him happy, which would make me unhappy :/
@Bebealways: Haha, that’s where the struggle comes in. I love Darling Husband and I am so happy to be married to him, but I admit that I am still getting used to the fact that I now have to care what another person thinks and wants, when I’ve never had to do so before. The stubborn part of me wants to say just that, that it’s my body and I’ll do what I like with it and you can take it or leave it…but the more rational part of me reminds myself that I love Darling Husband and I know he loves me and just wants both of us to be happy. We’ll definitely be discussing it further.
@Lana_Rose: Is it possible that he has concerns about affording the tattoo? I know you mentioned that you now have the funds for it, but could he have been planning on using that money for something else? My husband has 3 tattoos and my only concern about getting him more is that good tattoo artists can be pricey.
He’s not upset about it… he’s just caring too much about what other people think.
I think he needs to learn to let go of his family’s concerns. If the tattoo makes you happy and you saved up your own money for it, I don’t really see why he’s trying to put on the brakes now except out of fear.
That being said, my Fiance has wanted a tattoo on his back for years, and since he can’t draw has only been able to attempt to explain the design verbally to me. Honestly, for a while it sounded awful (a country’s flag in a chinese symbol, still don’t know if I can picture it properly) and I freaked out a bit. I explained to him that he’d never see it (it’s on his back!) but I would, and I didn’t want to wind up resenting the tattoo (or worse, him!) because I didn’t like it.
He’s still going to get it someday and he can do whatever he likes, but I asked if I could be a part of the process so I at least have some heads up. We talk about it from time to time and I don’t freak out about it anymore. 🙂
@housebee: I will be paying for it with my birthday money, so financially, it shouldn’t be an issue.
@CakeyP: Yea, I am hoping that if I keep him involved in the procees and give him some control over the design, he’ll feel better about it, like he has more of a say 🙂
I’m also in the camp of yes, spousal approval is necessary and I wouldn’t get a permanent body mod that my husband will find distasteful.
I notice that you keep asking why you should compromise who you are for him – it’s because he’s your husband and life partner. It’s because you love him. Those reasons should be enough. And it should be a two-way street.
The kind of relationship I aspire to – and currently have, I think – is that we put each other first. You both compromise and make sacrifices for each other. When one person’s always looking out for the best interests of the other, you both end up happier. That’s really important in any relationship but especially marriage!
While it is your body, and it sounds like you’ve already got quite a bit of ink all over (as does he), he also has to be the one to look at it so if he doesn’t like it… why do something permanent that will bother him every time he sees it?
I think your compromise to include him in the design and in the actual appointment are great. Is it just that he doesn’t like the idea of a chest piece?
My fiance has several tattoos visible on his forearms, elbow and wrists. I have one, that’s in a not so visible place, on my hip. We both came into the relationship having them, and each of us plan to get more in the future. I think that in our relationship, it’s important to share with the other person what art we’d like and where we’d place it, and take their opinion into consideration. If I really dislike that he wants to get his neck tattooed, then I will voice that, but at the end of the day it’s up to him and vice versa. Of course I would suggest that I think it would look better on a different spot, if that’s what I honestly thought.
Just keep talking to him about it, or maybe push the appointment a bit further until you get a straight answer. I think the family thing is kind of a cop out. Maybe he just doesn’t want to tell you that he doesn’t like the idea of the spot you are getting it. I don’t think “approval” is necessary to answer the original question, but I think “consideration of the other’s opinion” is necessary.
@ChicFoodist: I understand that he’s my husband and life partner and of course I love him and want to make him happy…but I want him to love me as I am, too. I love him unconditionally and expect the same. I obviously am conflicted because I care about him so much and will continue to discuss it with him until we reach a point that we’re both okay with it.
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