(Closed) TATTOOS: IS SPOUSAL APPROVAL NECESSARY??

posted 6 years ago in Married Life
Post # 92
Member
956 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

What would you say to him or how would you react if he planned to get something you didn’t like? Would you make up an excuse like “my family might not like it” or tell him “I think it’s ugly”?

I would guess he doesn’t like the particular artwork/location of this particular tattoo, and rather than tell you “I think it’s ugly” he is trying to convince you not to get it with another (lame) excuse.

I know tattoos are important to you, but try not to tie a tattoo (thing) to tightly to your self image. It is just a thing. If you never got another one, you would still be the same person, even if you got 100 more, you’re still you.

Post # 93
Member
251 posts
Helper bee

@Lana_Rose:  I am really going to try hard to stick to the question at hand, which is “How much of a say should your spouse get when it comes to tattoos, specifically, your DH?”. I am going to try and steer clear of any assumptions one could make about his intentions/reasons for being against the chest tattoo, but I will take in to account that both you and he have tattoos, as really, it doesn’t change my opinion on the matter.

When it is boiled down to the bare minimum, yes, I feel like your spouse has a say in what you do with your body, as I believe that part of getting married, is making choices together. There are little choices, and there are big choices, and I think a perminent change to your body is a big choice, regardless of if you’ve already gotten tattoos or not. You are making a change to your body, that much is certain, and I think that you should listen to your spouse’s opinions and legitimately consider them when it comes to tattoos. I feel that everyone is allowed to feel the way they feel, and I don’t think your Darling Husband should have to support your tattoo simply because you want one. He is within is right to object (again, not getting in to his reasons), and you are within your right to make the ultimate desicion on which option is more important to you. Respecting your DH’s opinion or respecting your desire to get another tattoo, and this is something I can’t tell you which one I suggest more, as I am not fully aware of what is going on in your DH’s mind, or where his true intentions are coming from. Neither can you, so you can only go off of what he has told. Try not to read in to what he really means.

Ultimately, what you do with your body is your choice, because if you just did everything your spouse wanted, then your spouse would have all the say, and if you just do whatever you want to do, then your spouse doesn’t have a say. Having a say doesn’t mean having it your WAY. It is simply a say. Darling Husband gets a say in what I buy for dinner, but I’m the one shopping and cooking, so ultimately I decide. Sometimes his “say” is the “way” and sometimes my “say” is the “way”. It is all about finding a balance and doing what you feel is best for you AND your relationship. Dinner is really unimportant when you look at it, but a tattoo on the other hand, is something some people consider very important. I think it is a matter of respect by giving your spouse a say in what happens with your body, as I respect the opinion of my Darling Husband more than the opinion of anyone else.

If it were me, and I were exactly like you (tattoos, desire, etc.) I would postpone the tattoo, I can always get it later. I would take a picture of the tattoo I wanted and put it on the mirror where Darling Husband and I see it everyday, but I would agree to NOT talk about the tattoo for x-amount of time (for me personally, I would say a month). Then after the month, I would have the discussion again. I would re-evalutate how I feel about the tattoo and how Darling Husband feels about the tattoo. I would listen to what he has to say, and I would make my final decision based on how I felt about the situation. Do my desires outweigh any concerns/objections that Darling Husband has? Am I willing to work through any rough times that my decision might cause? For me, I value DH’s feelings as much as I value mine, but ultimately I would have to make a choice, and honestly, no one can make that CHOICE expect you.

So yes, I believe your spouse has a say in if you get a tattoo, but with that said, I do not feel like one person gets to dictate what the other does with his or her body. BOTH people get a say. How much of a say is dependent upon many factors within the relationship and the feelings of each individual.

Hopefully I’ve kept to your original request and purpose for this thread! “this post is strictly on how much of a say my Darling Husband should have with what I do to my body within the realm of tattooing.” Sorry if I got off on a tangent anywhere!

Post # 94
Member
454 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I seem to be in the minority here but I don’t think you need your spouse’s approval to modify your body.  My husband has about 7 or 8 individual tattoos, mostly on his arms and back, plus half a sleeve, and he has plans to get more.  He already had a bunch of them when we met and I knew I was marrying someone who loves tattoos and wants more.  I have no tattoos or plans to ever get any.  He generally just checks in to make sure we have enough spending money to get what he wants (I am the money manager!).  When he decided to go below the elbow, he did discuss it with me first, but again the decision was all his.  I just wouldn’t dream of ever approving or not approving a decision about his body; I don’t think it’s my place (and vice versa).

Having said that, that’s my situation in my relationship.  Your husband seems to care and while I don’t agree that he has any say here at all, this is your situation and it seems like you’ll have to come to some kind of agreement in order to have peace.

Post # 95
Member
85 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

@Lana_Rose:  I can understand your feelings. I’m heavily tattooed (half sleeve, large back piece, legs and just starting my other arm) and my Fiance is even more covered than me. So speaking as someone who loves tattoos I say go for it!

You’ve obviously been thinking about it for a long time and have thought it through carefully.

Whenever I go to get a new tattoo I show my Fiance the design I’m getting to get his thoughts on it but I think if he did’nt like it I would probably still get it.

The way I think about it is, he married you with tattoos, you will still be you if you get your chest tattooed and my Fiance always much prefers the designs once he can see them on me after they’ve been done. 

If his family/ your family hated it it can always be covered by a t-shirt, it’s not as if you’ve had a swear word tattooed on your forehead.

Post # 96
Member
3339 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

@rachelmichelle:  +1

@Lana_Rose:  I said it in another thread earlier today, and I’ll say it here too.  Marriage is different than dating.  Any big life decisions have to be made together.  Choosing where to live, what job to take, how to spend your money, etc. are all big decisions.  I think anything permanent (like having a child or getting a tattoo) is a pretty big decision that needs to be discussed and decided upon together.

I think there are a lot of other stigmas about tattoos that might cloud the discussion or make it otherwise hard to have.  But when it comes down to it, this is a major life decision that you and your husband need to agree on.  It’s a hard subject to compromise on because you either get it or you don’t.  There’s not a lot of middle ground (except maybe timing, price, location, design, and color).

I don’t think you can do this on your own and then expect him to be okay with it because it’s your body.  I know it’s an extreme example, but what if he decided to cut off his leg?  Yeah, it’s his body.  But that decision is going to affect you.  If he’s in a wheelchair, you’ll have to be around to help him more often and install ramps in your house, etc.  It’s not just his decision to make.  Maybe this tattoo will affect him more than you think it will.  Whetever you end up choosing, you need to choose it together.

Post # 97
Member
6291 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Lana_Rose:  I agree with your hestitation. I understand a spouse having an opinion but ultimately it’s up to you and you shouldn’t feel bad about it. He’ll get over it but you will likely resent him if you give in to be nice.

Post # 99
Member
2564 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

If neither of you had tattoos previously and now all of a sudden you wanted a large piece then I would say his concern is valid.  Although ultimately, it is your money, your body, and you get the final say.  Since you both have multiple tattos in visible places, for him to all of a sudden be concerned about what others will think is a bit odd.  I would try to talk him about it more and try to get a better undertanding of why all of a sudden he doesn’t want you to get this tattoo.

I know there are some people that for some reason are really uppity about tattoos, but as long as they are tasteful and done well I don’t understand why people concern themselves with another person’s choice of what to do with their body.

Post # 100
Member
3339 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

@Lana_Rose:  Happiness isn’t as black and white as you’re making it.  I agree a lot with what LynnSnow had to say.  You can take his feelings into consideration and then still make your own choice.  You may think you’re unhappy now not getting the tattoo, but how happy will you really be if your husband is unsupportive after you get it?  If he’s hurt that you chose the tattoo over his feelings and his happiness, you may not be very happy in the end either.  I’m not trying to tell you what to do.  Only you can make the decision.  I only encourage you to make your husband a part of the decision-making process so that you can have the best possible outcome.

Post # 101
Member
1285 posts
Bumble bee

Tattoos. Do it.  I love them.  But a chest tat?  Around here, in the area that I live in  they have been considered the new tramp stamps.  I wouldn’t go for a chest tattoo.  Maybe somewhere else?

Post # 103
Member
11744 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Lana_Rose: I think that in general it should be something that is agreed upon within reason.  Ultimately, it’s your body your choice.  For your specific situation, I think you should get the tattoo.  Your husband’s reasoning for not wantingyou to get it is really lame in my opinion.  If he had said he doesn’t like them, I’d be more apt to listen to him but because he is afraid of what his family will think?! No, that’s just stupid!

Post # 105
Member
481 posts
Helper bee

You go, girl! :}

Post # 106
Member
1153 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@Lana_Rose:  I’m happy to hear that you and Darling Husband were able to have an open conversation about this and really hear eachother out. I think that you will both learn a priceless lesson in communicating with one another & that it’ll totally help strengthen your marriage. GL with the tat!

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