(Closed) Teacher on summer break, husband super critical

posted 8 years ago in Married Life
Post # 16
Member
978 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

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dontstopbeelievin:  That sucks! I’m also a teacher and have never taken a full summer off. I bartend as well and in the past have taught summer school. I am so tired of working and feel like I’m not going to get any time to transition from summer job to getting ready for September. After such an emotionally draining job, we teachers need these breaks! It’s not healthy to not have down time to get your head right. I was super resistant to getting a summer job this year, but we need $$ for wedding. That being said, I made it clear to Fiance that this is the last summer I will ever work. He’s not thrilled, but I reminded him that I am not a paycheck. He also gets that I work 50 plus hours a week, when you factor in planning and meetings and conferences.

I’m as subtle “as a brick through a window” as Fiance puts it, so daily “honey-do” letters would send me over the edge. I would probably make it a point to shred them into little pieces in front of him. If he gave me a hard time for relaxing, then I would remind him that he chose his career, so wah wah. Also remind him that when you have kids, you will be the one spending everyday taking care of them while he gets to tip toe off to a kid-free workplace.

 

 

Post # 17
Member
6458 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’m also a teacher, but I work a few jobs in addition to teaching (all related to teaching) to make extra money.

I think a few things about this.  1. You knew what you were getting as far as salary and benefits when you chose to be a teacher.  So, you get a lower salary but the awesome benefit of the summers off.  Teachers shouldn’t be made to feel bad about taking that time.  It’s a give and take.  If teachers were actually paid for all the work they do, it would be another thing — I’d expect us to work throughout the summer as well.  But we’re not, in general, paid as though we were professionals.

2. Since you probably don’t get paid super well, you should have a summer job.  Teaching is hard but it’s not so draining that you can’t do something in the summer as well.  Last summer, because of our wedding, I was in New Husband on vacation for, like, a month.  I was BORED.  I felt like I wasn’t pulling my weight in society.  It was nice, but I couldn’t wait to get back here and work.  

3. Your husband shouldn’t give you a list or treat you like that.  Have a talk with him and explain that he should know that teachers have the summer off.  

4. People shouldn’t be jealous of teachers…I’m jealous of those who love their careers that aren’t so emotionally hard.  I have no idea how nurses do it, by the way, because that’s emotional AND lots of hours AND with no break like teachers.  But it’s not a secret that teachers don’t have to teach school in the summer…just like it’s not a secret that in most other professions, the harder you work the more money you make.  Teaching isn’t like that.  

Post # 18
Member
939 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

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dontstopbeelievin:  I’m a high school teacher and I’ll be honest, most teachers I know do not just “relax” over the summer.  They treat their job like a full year job just like everyone else.

Up until this summer, I always had a part time job over the summer.  I used to bartend and tutor.  This summer because I have been made co-department head, I have been doing more administrative things and have had several meetings.  I am also a volleyball coach so I’ve helped run two camps so far and we have another one coming up, so I would say my summer has been far from relaxing!

That being said, your husband is acting terrible.  My DH and I lived together for a few months before we got married, and he said once “must be nice to have your summers off!” However, he saw how much I actually did over the summer and quickly changed his tune.  He loved coming home to having dinner ready and not have to help with housework.  He sees how many hours I put in during the school year and has remarked more than once I put more hours in a week than he does.

I have to ask, only hearing your side of the story, are you coming across as you deserve this “break” just because you’re a teacher?  His honey-do lists and having you check in are pretty disrespectful but you also have to make sure you’re not coming across as not being expected to contribute at all.

The fact that you’ve been married only a month also leads me to believe that there is also some adjustment going on with regards to just being married.

Sit down and talk with him and tell him his lists and expectations are very hurtful. Then be pro active and come up with a list of things you will do.  There has to be a point where you two can meet.

Post # 19
Member
782 posts
Busy bee

I’m going to sound like a complete ass saying this but what sort of fiances/husbands do some of you gals have?

Resentment, anger and jealousy over some time off during the year, thanks to the nature of your job? Any guy should be glad that you get to relax and de-stress. It’s not like you’re taking a month from your job to be lazy and do nothing every year.

I’m realy kind of shocked at the immaturity of it all. When you love someone, you should want what’s best for them…and a few weeks off from a stressful, demanding job, once a year, is just that. Sure, it would be nice if everyone had the sameluxury but it is what it is. No need to act like petulant, spoilt school boys if your job doesn’t allow it.

Post # 20
Member
1908 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - Madison, WI

It really does seem like there’s some jealousy/resentment going on and that needs to be worked out with right away. It’s not fair for him to try and manage you with housework giving you due dates/times and that you need to report back to him. He’s treating you like you’re his summertime employee not his wife who has the summer off after a hard school year of working long days.

My DH used to work in education and got paid .75 time (ie. not full time pay/benefits) to work 10-12+ hours a day. He frequently would be working at school until midnight (15 hour days?!) (he worked in the library and teaching computer skills). He never even really had his weekends completely free because they were taken up with lesson planning every single week. He never had the freedom of when to take days off during the school year because they were scheduled for him. Even for a funeral we had to attened I went in with him beforehand to set everything up for his class because the person covering for him wouldn’t know what to do..Plus there was the constant stress of budget cuts/losing your job because of cuts. He loved working with the kids but everything else was so much work for so little money. I never would have held it against him if he took the summer off. He never did, usually worked 2-3 part time jobs over the summer but even then occasionally he’d have Fridays off or only work half days for a week, it didn’t bother me. To me it was just obvious how hard he worked during the school year, any time off seemed well deserved.

Post # 21
Member
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Another teacher chiming in here.  I don’t think the OP is saying all she does is sit around and relax, but that basically it seems like her husband is trying to make her day as job-like as possible so he doesn’t have to feel so sorry for himself.  He can be jealous but that doesn’t give him a right to act like an asshole.

I worked the first 5 summers that I was teaching, I have not worked for the last 3.  Usually I pick up all the slack around the house, doing all the cleaning and cooking, but that still leaves me a lot of free time during the day.  Yes, I feel a bit guilty sometimes that my husband has to get up super early every day and go to work, but that comes from myself, never has he made a comment to me about my “luxurious” summer lifestyle.  Even this summer, I’m pregnant and generally feeling like crap, so I’m barely cooking and I’m just doing the bare minimum around the house.  Yes, I feel bad, but unfortunately this is all I can handle (and I am extremely greatful that I’m not working right now!).  Also, as someone else pointed out, this is my last summer where I won’t be taking care of our kids all day!

Anyway, it seems like we need more info from you to really get a good handle on the situation – have you lived together before? Is this just a transitional thing?

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peachacid:  I agree with you on most points, but OP doesn’t need to get a summer job if she really doesn’t want to.  Yes, a lot of teachers don’t make enough money to not work in the summer, but for example in my house, I’m actually the breadwinner.  If the OP and her husband are really struggling money-wise, maybe it makes sense for her to work, but we don’t know if this is the case.

Post # 23
Member
1742 posts
Bumble bee

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dontstopbeelievin:  You are absolutely right–everyone should have time to relax.  Lots of time to relax.  Most Americans have a relationship with work that is unhealthy, and I think that the jealousy and resentment directed toward those people in the very few professions that permit serious time off or the freedom to exercise some control over hours is clear evidence of that. 

While I don’t actually recommend this because it wouldn’t be helpful, you can tell him that when he’s willing to take a salary that (in most cases) is an insult to any educated professional; be a constant target of society’s scorn (driven, in large part, by a completely incorrect understanding of the nature of the job); and cope with the absolutely insane (and almost impossible to quantify) emotional stress of teaching, then he can have summers off too.  😉

Post # 24
Member
6458 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

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MmeVT:  I know plenty of teachers who do absolutely no work over the summer, and they’re the ones who complain the most about having to work on PD days.  So I just think people should be doing something, because otherwise it makes us look bad, because I know people like that are out there.  Teachers don’t need any more bad press.

Post # 25
Member
939 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

Most of the teachers that I know that do not work the summers are the older ones.  Maybe they make more money because of their experience and they don’t need to work, but I too have noticed they’re the first ones to bitch and moan about working on PD days and their entitement to get an extra day off because they stay late for parent-teacher conferences.

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peachacid:  I agree, those kind of teachers give the profession a bad rap.  If they really hate it sooo much, then quit.  I know plenty of new grads that are dying to get jobs.

Post # 26
Member
6458 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

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SnowInApril:  At my school they range in age.  I know that PD can be tedious and annoying, but I’m really hoping that our school will be able to offer stuff that is helpful to teachers.  

I do see a big difference in the flexibility of teachers who started teaching before NCLB and those who started after.  Many of those who started later have an easier time being flexible and dealing with change…because that’s all we’ve known.  

Post # 27
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

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dontstopbeelievin:  Wow, that’s pretty rude.  I am also a teacher and it makes me really upset when people think it’s okay to give us crap about having summers off.  Most people couldn’t last a day, let alone a full school year in the classroom, so if they haven’t ever tried it, then they should keep their mouths shut… Now, I’m not advising that you tell your husband that, but it definitely needs to be communicated to him that the time off is EARNED and that while you’re happy to help get some house work done, he is not your new boss now and he needs to stop belittling you.

Post # 28
Member
434 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

He gives you lists? That is so wrong. If he were to say “Hey, can you do X sometime this week?” that would be one thing. But giving you a list and telling you to check in when you’ve done something? He’s not your dad and he’s not your boss, and he needs to get over that attitude quick like.

It probably is jealousy, and maybe if you just tell him to quit it, he will. I think a lot of people who don’t work in education think of summer vacation as a student, and just assume that that’s the kind of summer teachers have. They don’t think about professional development, moving classrooms (yuck), planning curriculum, making new lesson plans… Summer “break” is really summer “time to do all that stuff we couldn’t do during the school year because of grading and sponsoring extra-curriculars and meetings and IEPs” but you have to explain that to people who don’t work in education.

Teachers in my district also get given a hard time by other teachers, because we have Mondays off. We still work 40 hour weeks, but only four days. This past year with all the snow, we wound up using Mondays to make up our missed days, and it was really hard on a lot of people I work with. Friends I have who work in other districts were pretty snide about it, but our employees use Mondays for weekly PT or other doctor’s appointments, to take college classes, to take elderly parents to dialysis (sp?), to work other jobs… All teachers are busy people, and time ‘off’ is usually never really time off.

Post # 29
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

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peachacid:  I don’t work over the summer, because I really, REALLY need the break.  I spend most of the school year dealing with insomnia, depression, and lots of stress, so summers have been for recovery for the start of the school year.  I’m sure this is not typical, but you really never know what someone is going through, or why they might decide not to work during the summer.  During the school year I find most PD to be worthwhile, and when I am able to select my own PDs to attend, I usually really enjoy them.

Post # 30
Member
934 posts
Busy bee

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dontstopbeelievin:  My SIL is a special ed teacher and I don’t think she has ever had a true break in the summer. She is doing summer school and signing up for conferences. My brother brought it up once about how nice it is to be off and my mom went nuts as she was a teacher too. He never did it again, but he knows better. I can remember being dropped off a lot with my grandmother because my mom was teaching summer school and going to trainings mostly in June and August so its not like she really had a true break. Then she had the 3 of us to entertain when she was “off” as well as all the house responsibilities. So I never understood where people get to thinking teachers really just take off and do nothing. Most still do work in the summer.

Another thing to consider is that in a lot of developed countries, vacation time is twice what we offer to most employees (25-30 days of paid vacation.) So really teachers are getting what most other developed countries get naturally for half the pay. Just something to consider when people complain about teacher’s “benefits.”

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