(Closed) Teacher on summer break, husband super critical

posted 8 years ago in Married Life
Post # 61
Member
253 posts
Helper bee

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dontstopbeelievin:  you’ve been married a month- how long did you date before that? did you ever discuss what you do regularly over summer breaks? He’s got control issues bad!

YOU ARE NOT HIS EMPLOYEE!! He’s treating you like shit and I wouldn’t put up with it one more day! If he wants to hand you a list, fine. Smile and nod- then throw it away! Do what you need to do as a wife, NOT his personal assistant- and NEVER check in with him when you finish tasks!

Post # 62
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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pinkshoes:  Agreed, 100%.  While I understand that teaching is a demanding job… it’s not the only demanding job in the world.  Nor is it the only emotionally draining job.  A summer off is a lot of time, there’s no way around that.  It is also not the only time off teachers get during the year – school breaks, weekends, etc.  His approach was terrible, and you’re totally entitled to relaxing time… but he’s not out of line to expect that you do a few things.

Post # 63
Member
1742 posts
Bumble bee

Smh at all the people who clearly have no idea what it’s like to teach and don’t know about how teachers spend their time but insist on making resentment-driven comments. 

You know, perhaps if you think to yourself, “gee, I wish I had more time off to live my life and be a human” your response to that shouldn’t be to try and tear down those who do have that precious time so they can be as miserable as you are, but to fight to get MORE people that precious leisure time.

 

Post # 64
Member
6458 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

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WillBeMrsD:  So you think a week off around Christmas, weekends off, and a handful of Mondays off a year for holidays is acceptable?  Some school districts have spring break, but not all, and often spring break is used to make up days from snow days (as in my district, this year, and in Philly in I think 2010).  You, in your job, are free to take a week whenever you want.  Teachers don’t have that option.  There are so many things teachers do over the weekend that you don’t know about, either.  

I realize that there are other jobs that require hard work, but that doesn’t mean you can disparage teachers for having a summer break.  

Post # 65
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2561 posts
Sugar bee

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dontstopbeelievin:  was he like this last summer? Or did you just move in together?

I get being jealous, but come on. I even get the expectation to do a little more house work around the house during the summer, but actual to do lists? and snide comments? That is not nice.

Yes, this is seen as a “perk” to the job for teachers, but it isn’t like you get paid during this time. And it isnt like your work day stops because the bell rings at 3pm.

Post # 66
Member
427 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

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dontstopbeelievin:  You definitely need to have a come to Jesus meeting with him. I’m a teacher and my husband works a rather demanding job. He NEVER makes ugly comments about my summer vacation. He jokes about how jealous he is, but he also understands how much work I put in during the school year (and even during the summer, just this morning I was working on lesson plans.) You guys needs to open up the communication now before you get REALLY angry with him and blow up.

Post # 67
Member
1708 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I can understand wanting you to do a few more things around the house since you’re home, but to hand you a list and expect you to check in? Hell no. I’d pretty much just say “nope” and go on with my days as planned. What’s he gonna do, ground you?

Post # 68
Member
2011 posts
Buzzing bee

Is money an issue? Most of the teachers I know take on other jobs in the summer. Maybe he resents that you aren’t doing that? (Not that he’s handling it well, and he DEFINITLEY shouldn’t ask you to check in after tasks, that’s nuts). Obviously money is personal, but if you guys aren’t rolling in it, maybe that’s the real issue (it would be for me). I also wouldn’t use the “I work hard the rest of the year” argument. Lots of jobs require 12 hour days, my SO has one and gets a grand total of 7 vacation days, he also often works holidays. Teachers DO get a huge amount of time off, I’m not saying that’s bad, but it’s a pretty massive perk. Obviously he knew you were a teacher when you met, which is what makes me wonder if he assumed you’d have a summer job during your off from teaching time. 

Post # 69
Member
441 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I am also a teacher but I’ve never had this particular problem with my fiance.

However, for one of my colleagues, this is a MAJOR issue. He becomes very resentful of her summers off and is actually jealous. I’m sorry I can’t offer any concrete advice, but this particular couple has been married for more than 20 years so I guess there can be a way to work through it.

Post # 70
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Op: your husband is out of line…I really hope you didn’t follow through with his demands. You really do need to open up communication. He lives in the house too, therefore he should be helping you with household items he thinks you should be doing. If my husband did that to me I would essentially laugh, unfortunately in his face and say “yea right” or “whatevery

I give you kudos to have the job you do, it’s tough! You should give yourself some vacation time as you don’t get much throught the other 9 1/2 months out of the year.

For the others: You have the upmost respect for teachers…they are solely responsible for your little ones, while they are in class. They ultimately have to teach to 25-30 some students and deal with their attitudes, behaviors, needs, wants, their safety and teach a curriculum…ffhew and that does not include the take home class work for grading and preparing for the next days, weeks, months, years curriculum.  For those that say teachers have it easy and are lucky to get 3 months off is absurd imo.

Post # 71
Member
1064 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012 - Chateau Briand

Well that’s just obnoxious of him. you should do with your free time whatever you damn well please. He’s jealous? Tough! You deserve your summers off. If you want to lay around all summer, who is he to tell you you can’t? (I imagine it would get quite boring but still!). It really does just sound like jealousy but you know what? He could’ve been a teacher too, he made his choices now it’s time to act like a big boy and not a control freak. 

Post # 72
Member
267 posts
Helper bee

If he wants extra help financially over the summer other than the tutoring that you do, he should talk to you about it directly. But criticizing you and talking down to you constantly is ridiculous. You have tutoring and I assume some other things to do over the summer to prepare for the year. If he wants extra tasks done around the house, he should ask you if you could fit in certain things. But he shouldn’t be giving you a to do list making you check in like some weird employee of his, subject to his scrutiny over each of your tasks. If you feel like you have extra time to do some things that wouldn’t get done during the year, doing them would be awesome for both of you. But I would definitely take a full week off for myself at some point before the year. Its silly not to take advantage of some of that summer time off. It is your opportunity for a vacation.

How would he like it if you worked a 12 hour day during the year, and you called in after his 8 hour day to give him a list of stuff to do requiring him to check in. Its incredibly condescending and controlling, and you should in no way be insulted simply because this job that you had prior to marrying him gives you some time off. My Fiance is staying at home right now while I work. We’re both studying right now, and felt like both of us getting jobs would jeopardize our chances of passing. I already had two jobs, so I just kept working. He tends to take care of as much as he can, and outside of normal housework, I sometimes ask him to do things like pick up meds and take things to get drycleaned. But I never force a list upon him or ask him to check in! I also still try to cook and clean when I’m home, and do most of the grocery shopping. I’m thakful he’s able to take care of more around the house and he is thankful we have some financial stability. That is it.

Post # 73
Member
363 posts
Helper bee

i’m a teacher and i went through this with my previous relationship.  it was SO BAD that i eventually just started teaching summer school to get him off my back haha.

my Fiance is AMAZING with this.  it is our second summer together where i’m not working and i really do try to do lots of little things for him because i can’t imagine how jealous i would be if i had to work and he was home working on his tan! 

i’m sorry your DH is giving you such a hard time.  i know a lot of people who still resent me having the summer off, so i can completely relate 🙁 

Post # 74
Member
143 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

1) Anyone who is a teacher knows that the summer is not “time off.” Summer is the time you make new lesson plans, develop new grading rubrics, plan new research guides, complete any administrative duties, purchase new school supplies (often out of your personal pocket), work on fulfilling any new certification requirements, learn new curriculum (which we know is constantly changing), attend AP/IB grading conferences, prepare new lectures/syllabi, attend general professional conferences, study new pedagogical research…among others. We also generally do this without getting paid for it.

2) Anyone who is a teacher knows that we do the things listed above because, during the school year, we work 60-70 hours a week. Summer is not “time off.” Summer is the time when we professionally advance ourselves. Often, many of my teacher friends take at least part time work in the summer because they need the money to support their families.

Post # 75
Member
45 posts
Newbee

Wow, a lot of different opinions! and yes he is being an ass; it is time to have a conversation about how he is treating you.

i just finished my 12th year of teaching, and it is demanding and exhausting.  I do understand that a lot of other jobs are also, and they work year round.  But some posters have brought up one valid point: we are on ALL day.  25 kids staring at you, needing you, and coming from all different backgrounds. 

A friend told me a good analogy- teaching is like a doctor meeting with 25 patients at one time, and all the patients have different needs.  But the doctor is expected to fix them and cure them all, by himself, and meet all their needs.  It’s so hard, and you’ll never understand until you do it.

Everyone I know that has started teaching after trying other jobs say it’s the hardest.  And I do NOT feel,bad at all taking my summers off.  I worked 10 of my years, and now I’m done.  Plus it’s not 3 months.  We get 8 weeks, and there’s always a required training or something to do.  And it’s true, Americans work hard and don’t take rest time, which I feel is necessary!

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