(Closed) Technical (and very reluctant) Virgin, help!

posted 6 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
233 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

You can probably aslo see a psychologist and possibly a psychiatrist. Perhaps there is a severe mental block (not your fault). Many couples actually deal with this. Sorry that you are dealing with this. I’m glad that you found a more sympathetic doctor and that you’re getting some help.

Post # 4
Member
1629 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

You know I haven’t had this problem before, but I’ve heard it talked about on here before.  It’s not all uncommon and I’m sure is frustrating.  I’m sure someone on here has experienced it.  Don’t give up.  It will be worth it.  🙂

Post # 5
Member
7383 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I watched a show about it- I think it was on TLC?  It seems like such a frustrating problem to have.  Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Wat kind of doctor did you see? Have you seen a GYN doctor to double check that this isnt a physical thing? Some people have a thicker/stronger layer of skin there than others.

Post # 7
Member
3773 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

@eeniebeans: I saw that too and the couple did exactly what you are doing with the dialators. You are lucky to have such a patient and supportive Boyfriend or Best Friend, hopefully the two of you can get past this together!

Post # 8
Member
7609 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I would go to a different dr and get a second opinion!  I know a lot of these things can be “in your head” and that relaxation and lube can be KEY, but I would still get checked out again, to eliminate the possibility of a genuine issue down there.  Good luck, this too shall pass!

Post # 9
Member
688 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I had similar problem….my one Boyfriend or Best Friend that I did do it with was like I never thought u would do it. I mean just trying to get the head in was painful enough. The 1st time I did it it did not hurt at all but to my suprise it hurts now. My issue was mainly do to psyocological…..I was so afraid of it hurting that I tensed up each time. When I 1st did it ever I was a tad bit tipsy and really was in the mood so I think that helped the situation a little bit for me. Like I said before it does hurt now when I do it with the Fiance and its so bad sometimes I start to cry. My only times it does not hurt as bad is when I am really wet down there but every other time it just burns. Oh and thoe lubes do not work on me at all….I feel that it makes it itch and burn way more.

Post # 10
Member
5296 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1993

This is actually the 2nd time this week I’ve read a story like yours! Definitely talk to a therapist -let me go dig up the link I gave to the other person about one woman’s journey through it. It’s definitely something that you have to get through mentally vs. physically. I think you’re right that the cause is likely your upbringing and the idea that ‘sex is bad’.

I hope you are able to get the help you need!

 

http://www.lhj.com/relationships/can-this-marriage-be-saved/sex/weve-been-married-seven-years-and-weve-never-had-sex/

Post # 11
Member
3773 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

@hisgoosiegirl: I love “Can This Marriage Be Saved”. That was a great article.

Post # 12
Member
5296 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1993

@ieatunicorns: so do I! I read them all one summer when Darling Husband and I were long distance. I haven’t read them in a while, but this one and a couple others have always stuck with me. The husband in this one seems like such a great guy – patient and loving!

Post # 13
Member
7609 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@hisgoosiegirl: Holy crap.  That article actually made me feel a bit angry, but it was amazing.  I had never heard of that before!

Post # 14
Member
5296 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1993

@Juliepants:  whoops, I wish I could edit out my ‘patient and loving comment’ mixed up my husbands with the husband from a similar story in which the wife was raped as a young teen and really hated being intimate now. That husband was really sweet. This one….well, I’m glad he came around, but I imagine that would have been extremely frustrating to go through 7 years of!

Post # 15
Member
6998 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I’ve suffered from vaginismus – and (for the most part) overcame it! feel free to PM me and i’ll be glad to go into more detail.

Post # 16
Member
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

@Dizbee: Hey, I just wanted to weigh in and lend some support. This happened to me on a couple of occasions because my psychological barrier was telling me I wasn’t ready to have sex under the circumstances because I wasn’t comfortable. While this may not be applicable to you, I’m just sharing because the end result was the same: no penetration (That boyfriend called me Julie Berlin, because of the Berlin Wall).

I see in your original post that you said your boyfriend was getting frustrated possibly? You said this made you frustrated in return. This might be a contributory factor into you being so tense. If you add pressure to yourself to “get the job done” so to speak, that can potentially make things worse, and give yourself a complex about the whole scenario. No one wants that kind of vicious cycle. Do you feel badly because the boyfriend is feeling frustrated to himself? Maybe get him to talk with you to air that out and make sure each of you is comfortable with your progress. Sex talks are difficult and sometimes awkward, but are well worth it. So far, it seems this guy is pretty accepting of things, so if you were to bring up underlying feelings, it doesn’t seem like he’d be adverse to discussing them with you. That might be reassuring and put you more at ease with yourself.

Secondly, do you use the dialators with him only, or do you use them by yourself? Maybe using them on your terms with only yourself present will help you fully relax. Especially since you can take all the time you want, and you have your own bio-feedback to say when enough is enough. This helped me greatly when I was trying to get comfortable with anything remotely the size of a penis getting near me.

Hopefully this helps you, and hopefully you reach out to a trusted counselor to talk through things. You may discover something about yourself that is getting in the way. I also grew up with guilt and shame over sex too, so I completely understand that mindset. My parents were teenage parents, so when the average age of becoming sexually active rolled around, my mind was always screaming about how slutty people would think I was, how I couldn’t disappoint my grandparents, and how I was doomed to repeat my parents’ mistake if I ever engaged in sex. This went on well into my 20s too. Not healthy. Sex is an enjoyable activity, especially if you’ve found someone worthy of sharing the experience with. No matter how rocky in the beginning it might be, just know that there will be a great payoff in the end.

Good luck to you!

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