Tell me about your boundaries for your SO's friendships

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
1191 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2021 - City, State

We only have boundaries IF it makes the other feel uncomfortable, he felt a close friend was being overly flirtatious which for him is normal but asked me to shut it down a bit so I did and I’ve done the same with him.

we respect each other enough to realise that sometimes we are too close to the situation to see something clearly. The only other rule we had is no sending kisses in texts (xxx) because it’s what we save for each other (bar his best man who he sends kisses too) 

 

Post # 32
Member
391 posts
Helper bee

I never felt the need to eliminate my husband’s friendships with the opposite sex. He has many female friends from university days (all married now) and we often catch up with their husbands and I even chat with them without hubby. They’re awesome, I really like their company and I never felt even slightly jealous because had there been any attraction something would have happened throughout the years but nothing ever did… 

Even his ex is part of the group of friends so we interact with her often, she attended our wedding with the rest of the group and I enjoy chatting to her too. 

I did have a friend who had a crazy jealous girlfriend (now crazy jealous wife) and he broke all contact with me because she was jealous (nothing ever happened between us and I was never attracted to him) – her friend actually sent me a FB message a few weeks before I got married, congratulating me on my upcoming wedding and to tell me to stop interacting with my friend as it’s ruining their relationship… wtf…

To me, being this jealous is not healthy and if you cannot trust your partner why are you even with him? My husband also never told me to not be friends with someone from the opposite sex, I couldn’t be with him had he done so. 

 

Post # 33
Member
1737 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

xo_mrsbear :  I haven’t set any rules for my DH’s friendships, opposite sex or not. He’s an adult and he knows what behavior is acceptable within our monogamous relationship. And after 5 years of being together, he’s never given me any reason not to trust him.

So I’m not going to “mommy” him by setting boundaries for his friendships. I trust him to handle it.

Post # 34
Member
272 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2020

My Fiance has no idea how to flirt or being flirted to.    We have been out to places and I have witnessed women bat their eyes at him and say things like “OMG I so love doing —– too” all while smiling at him and brushing their hair over their shoulders.    He just answered “That’s cool”.   

I don’t have anything to worry about as for me I don’t flirt with our friends.

Post # 35
Member
57 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - City, State

I don’t have a problem with FH having female friends.  Most of them he’s had 20+ years and it doesn’t bother me.  In fact, his longtime bestie from high school is going to be my maid of honor.  After FH and I started dating and I met her we clicked as friends too.  Unfortunately she lives out of state.  He’s 43 and has known her almost 30 years – if something was going to happen it would have happened a LONG time ago. 

Post # 36
Member
1455 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI

When I was engaged to my ex husband in college I had a male friend from high school that I was very close friends with.  We had dated back then but only ever kissed. We actually broke up largely because we had zero physical chemistry. 

I had to end the friendship as it made my then Fiance so jealous. I should have seen it as a sign back then!  

With my current SO, there’s none of that BS.  He was a little uncomfortable at first that I have such a cordial relationship with my 2nd husband, but soon got over it when he asked himself, “how did he want it to be, acrimonious?”  Ah maturity, what a treat 🙂

Post # 37
Member
376 posts
Helper bee

I know I am in the minority, but I don’t like him having female friends. You have what works for your relationship and I have what works for mine. I’m mid 40s and saw too many ‘friendships’ go too far. Everyone says “NOT MY HUSBAND!” well, around 50% of marriages end and around 50% of people cheat so lets see what happens 15-20 years from now. People have moments of weakness, people’s feelings change, relationships have ups and downs and low points, and if you have a relationship with someone of the opposite sex and you’re in a low point and sharing becomes oversharing… it happens all the time, I’ve seen it happen with friends marriages. I am not willing to risk it. I’m not the ‘cool girlfriend’, I don’t want him having lunch or dinner dates or hanging out alone with other women. He knows that from day one and he’s perfectly fine with it. I don’t hang out with men because I am confident I would never cheat but its just not worth it, that friendship is not worth more than my relationship with my husband. I am very protective of our relationship. Do I worry about him cheating, absolutely not, I don’t think he ever would, but again, I’m not willing to put my relationship at risk. I know all the women who don’t care if their partner has opposite sex friendships start asking ridiculous and quite frankly stupid questions like “Oh, well, does he have to get off an elevator if he’s on with a woman?” Don’t be insulting, I’m talking about having a relationship with a woman where they have lunch dates and dinner dates and text and call and share their lives, I don’t feel my husband needs a relationship like that with a woman. He has a sister and he has me and he has plenty of guy friends, he doesn’t need female friends just like I don’t need guy friends.

There’s no right or wrong answer here, its just what works for you and your partner. Many women will make you feel like you’re wrong or insecure or you’re in a bad relationship if you’re not comfortable with opposite sex friendships, and I am the one that will always say I am uncomfortable with it and had a discussion with my partner and he and I are on the same page and that’s all that matters. I don’t care what internet strangers are going to think.

Post # 38
Member
1766 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

I haven’t really thought much about this,  although the only friend of Fi that I find annoying is his only single female one.  But for us,  it’s because she called all people who work for the government parasites.  I’m just not inclined to like her after that.  He doesn’t really hang out with her or message her, but yay,  she will be going to the same church as us,  so after the wedding,  I’ll get to see her every Sunday. Hurumph.

The rest of his female friends are our couples friends and they don’t send each other solo messages.  I would think it strange if that happened though because it would be out of character for him. 

Now I do wish Fi would have better boundaries at work for food.  Is that weird? We both eat keto,  but he has a woman he calls his ‘work mom’ who is always pushing him to eat sugary cakes and candy.  And he eats it,  than complains to me that she gave him junk food.  I tend to roll my eyes at that. Fi has health issues,  so I do worry about what he eats,  but it’s his body and his choice and I do wish he would take ownership of his choice to eat junk food in the office and not blame it on his supplier lol.

Post # 39
Member
195 posts
Blushing bee

Depends on the person, I guess. My SO has several female friends. Some are even ex girlfriends. I have only ever had issues with ONE of his female friends (I just posted about a dilema I am in concerning her if you want to check it out). If his female friends are nice, warm, and inviting when it comes to me – we don’t have an issue. However, if there is ANY sign of secrecy or I don’t feel included in the friendship, we have a huge problem. My SO has had to draw HUGE lines in the sand for this particular friend who has disrespected me and our relationship numerous times. Things have gotten somewhat better. The only person missing out is my SO’s friend. She doesn’t get included as much as I’m sure she’d like to be but hey – that’s all based on her actions. I also think there’s a problem if your SO isn’t receptive or understanding if you have concerns. If he just shuts you down and gets defensive, there could be a problem there. Just be honest!

Post # 40
Member
1361 posts
Bumble bee

The only friend I ever had reservations about and expressed them to my husband is an old friend of his from either high school or college, maybe both, don’t remember, that sent him a wedding invitation to our home without my name on it well after we were married.  If she doesn’t wish to acknowledge me then he doesn’t need to acknowledge her.  

She also had a girlfriend that had been a more casual acquaintance of my husband’s back in their young, party days.  She would text my husband & try to get him out to some house party when wedding invitation friend was in town visiting.  Never mentioned bringing his wife, wanting to meet her, etc.  just him, had a kinda secretive & mischievous quality to it.  And she was single and still very much a party girl.  So she also went in the NOPE category.  Though it wasn’t really what I’d call a friendship, more a casual acquaintance from back in the day.  

Outside of that I don’t have an issue at all with a couple of his ex girlfriends. Of most serious past relationship – we have both been in each others homes more than once.  No biggie.  

Post # 41
Member
7919 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

xo_mrsbear :  we are both adults that are allowed to have whatever friendships we want because we trust the other. The only time I spoke up about one female friend was before we were married because she was constantly hitting on him in front of me and going out of her way to try and exclude me from events (they played on a coed sports team together that I wasn’t a part of). I still didn’t make any rules I just said that she made me uncomfortable. Bless him, he has no idea when he’s getting hit on lol. He tried to show me that it was all a misunderstanding and we just needed to get to know each other better – so we invited her to a party at our place. She not only continued to embarass herself by blatantly hitting on him (other friends even noticed…) but then she refused to even speak to me in my own apartment! He understood why I hated her after that and decided to cut her out on his own. 

Post # 42
Member
1408 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I guess it doesn’t really matter to us because Darling Husband has no female friends…he did several years ago but they drifted apart due to distance (DH was military) and the fact they all got married, had children, etc…I don’t have any male friends I would hang out apart from Darling Husband except for a coworker friend of mine. We grab lunch occasionally but he also attends our church sometimes & attended our wedding, so Darling Husband knows him. Plus this coworker isn’t one that anyone would expect anything to happen with anyway lol he’s much older than me and we just don’t go together at all.

If Darling Husband or I all of a sudden made opposite sex friends NOW out of the blue who weren’t coworkers (which Darling Husband wouldn’t because he works in a very male dominated field), it would be cause for concern. Previous friendships are different but if you’re married and just randomly creating opposite sex friendships outside work and hang out with them regularly without your SO or text them…that would be inappropriate in our marriage. We have never had to set boundaries because we trust each other.

Post # 43
Member
935 posts
Busy bee

My husband and I don’t really have rules. He has many female friends and I have many male friends and neither of us have a problem with that. In fact, I am still friends with several of my exes and him with several of his and we have no problem with that and sometimes will even hang out with the other’s ex. 

I guess if we had a rule, it would be that there are no rules unless someone causes a problem. Early on in our relationship, Darling Husband was still friends with one of his exes. I was friendly with her and hung out with her on several occassions, but then she started crossing boundaries such as calling him at all hours of the night, begging him to move back in with her, telling him lies about me, etc. Turns out, she didn’t like that he started dating again and it was an attempt to get him back. He was friendly with her for a bit and stood up for me time and time again and told her if she wanted to remain friends, that was fine, but she had to respect our relationship. She never respected it and eventually he cut ties with her.

Post # 44
Member
73 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

xo_mrsbear :  we don’t really have “rules” as it’s  never been an issue, but there’s definitely communication and reasonable boundaries. For example my bff from college who is married with a baby on the way, we went to his wedding, they come to family Christmas, etc, is ok for me to hang out with alone or in social groups without my SO, but I probably wouldn’t go out with a single acquaintance who was male out of respect for my SO and would anticipate the same from him.

He similarly has a few long time female friends in long term relationships who I know and don’t bat an eye at him hanging out with, but I don’t know how thrilled I would be with him hanging out one on one with a single female I don’t know – thankfully it hasn’t come up. 

Post # 45
Member
2485 posts
Buzzing bee

If I felt that had to be concerned in any way about ANY of my husband’s friendships, or how any of his friends/acquaintances felt about him, or how he felt about any of them, I wouldn’t be married to him.

I do not expect to be a custodian for DH’s feelings. That’s not my job.

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