Tell me about your boundaries for your SO's friendships

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 61
Member
2811 posts
Sugar bee

My husband doesn’t really have female friends and his interactions with other girls have never bothered me at all so I’ve never had to really have ‘a talk’ with him about it to ‘lay down the law’ or anything. (I’ve watched from across the room while hot girls hit on him and he’ll shut that shit down and even physically dodge them) 

Most of our ‘boundaries’ come more from genuinely caring how the other person feels, rather than laying down rules.. but they basically come down to:

– No overt flirting or anything that seems like ‘playing with fire.’
– Making the other person’s comfort and security a priority
– Not doing anything to jeopordize the others’ comfort when it’s unnecessary

 

Post # 62
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

This is something that used to be a big deal to me. In college, there was a lot more mingling activity and when you’re going to school, you have a wide group of people and relationships that are hard to define. It was something that my friends and I discussed a lot because our boyfriends at the time would have classes with girl friends who we didn’t know. Now, it is less important because our husbands are in a professional setting, the relationship is much for defined. And maturity is probably also a factor. Not to say that relationships among co-workers can’t become inappropriate, it’s just much more clear that they shouldn’t.

Post # 63
Member
9588 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

My boundaries have varied across time and partners. With my Darling Husband I honestly would be very uncomfortable if he flirted with a girl because he isn’t a flirty person so it’d mean something. He has plenty of female friends.. some he even had crushes on way back in the day. I wouldn’t even bat an eyelash if he crashed on a couch of a female friend while on a road trip or something.

One of my exes flirts with everyone. I honestly didn’t care if he flirted in front of me with a waitress.. it was just so second nature to him I knew he didn’t mean anything by it. 

A third ex: I hated all his female friends and wasn’t ok with him hanging out with any of them.  Eventually we broke up because he was having an emotional affair with one girl and a physical affair with another.  Go figure.. (Irony: after we broke up I became friends with several of his female friends.  Including the physical affair one–he had told her we had broken up when really I was on vacation with my family.)

So yeah. Depends on the person.

Post # 64
Member
865 posts
Busy bee

My husband and I are older…we both respect boundaries and neither of us flirt or behave in an inappropriate way. 

Post # 65
Member
150 posts
Blushing bee

allenb :  “. I do not have an issue with female friends though, I just think it would be his loss if a girl like me walks away LOL”

Yes exactly. Same here ! 

Post # 66
Member
9211 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

We’ve never had a talk about boundaries. We just act around the opposite sex in the same way we’d expect the other one of us to. Worked when we were 17/18 year olds and still works nearly 11 years later, so no complaints!

Post # 67
Member
1183 posts
Bumble bee

We both expect to meet and be cool with each others friends. xo

Post # 68
Member
514 posts
Busy bee

Jealousy comes quite easily to me but my husband has never given me any reason to be concerned or worried and so I never have been with him. I know how much he loves me and is devoted to me. All his close friends are male. He has plenty of female coworkers but they all know about me and how much he adores me. I feel completely secure ❤️

Post # 69
Member
149 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2018

My husband is very introverted and all of his female friendIs live far away, and they communicate by text, so I have no worries about anything.  I DID, however, put boundaries on my own behavior.  I have 1 close male friend who I have always been flirty with and we actually started out as dating.  He is supportive of my marriage, though, and neither of us want to be together.  But now when he and I hang out it’s at my house when my husband and/or daughter is home.  That way there’s never any question that we’re on the up and up. I don’t want to jeopardize my marriage.

Post # 70
Member
253 posts
Helper bee

anni57 :  Good for you!!!!  This attitude just kills a lot of unnesessary worries! I used to be less secure about myself  in my 20s than in my 30s, in spite of being pretty. Then I did some growing up, got wiser and decided that I am offering so much that a guy should be stupid to jeopardize a relationship with me. And if he does, then that would be his loss. That just made my life so much worry free in this department :)) 

Post # 71
Member
571 posts
Busy bee

We don’t have to speak about boundaries as we both know! I trust him & he trusts me.

Post # 72
Member
1607 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

indeed a very interesting topic. My SO and I have had great communication from the beginning. He grew up a swimmer and has a couple of female friends from college I was initially uncomfortable with.

At the onset of our relationship, he didn’t think it was important to share with me that they hooked up. I had to ask him later after his insensitive friends planted some clues to me that I couldn’t ignore, “Oh X is his favorite” (after she is texting him), and pictures of him allover his fb page sitting on his lap (I didn’t even look at his FB page until we had been dating a few weeks because I wanted to get to know the real him first – sometimes social media doesnt’ show the ‘real’ person).

Long story short, I wasn’t happy that he hadn’t shared that with me and that whole situation and how she talks to him makes me uncomfortable. While we were dating, she even stayed at his house alone a couple times (overnight). After I moved in and we had several chats about how that made me uncomfortable, it stopped.

Another one of his female friends thinks its funny to share intimate details of her husband and hers sex life or jokes. I find this not funny at all and asked for it to stop. The same female friend thinks it’s perfectly acceptable to hang out with my SO alone at his house. 

I trust him completely and realize he’s just a little naive and I have no problem bringing things up to  his attention when it is appropriate. 

I am willing to give him the patience necessary to understand where I am coming from and we both agree. 

He also shared his private number with a female coworker once and she texted him saying she passed an exam. That opened up another conversation of ‘not sure why you feel it is appropriate for your female coworker to have your personal number’ and ‘why couldnt’ she have waited to share with you at work where you see her everyday’ kind of deal. And like, ‘could you see how you might be giving her the wrong idea?’. 

But again he is SO SO naive and isn’t trying to be a jerk he is the sweetest man in the world, if you met him, you would see too 🙂 

So I give him lots of breaks. The only male friend I have that is a true friend is my middle school friend who I have known for YEARS and our relationship has only ever been platanic, he is married, and my SO thinks he is a great guy (he is!). I think his new wife is jealous of me but I do my best to be understanding of her and where she is in her shoes. Hopefully just a few more years to earn her trust LOL 

Post # 73
Member
1766 posts
Buzzing bee

Ummm keep your dick in your pants unless I give you permission. I dunno this isn’t really something we deal with. He has piles of female friends, I’ve never had a single concern about any of them. I’m more likely to get annoyed at one of his buddies wives than his actual friends.

One made a point of buying my FH clothes because they were on sale and he always wears the same things. I tuned her in next time I saw her. I’m not his mother he dresses himself and what he wears is none of her business. She gives me a very wide berth. She annoys the crap out of my FH so he tends to spend his time just with his buddy and avoid her. 

Post # 74
Member
383 posts
Helper bee

If I even have to initiate setting boundaries with a grown ass man because he isn’t aware enough to know when he crosses the line, that’s the wrong relationship for me.

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