Post # 1
I’m trying to be a good stepmother and Mr. A is trying to be a good stepfather both to children of the opposite gender.
What did your stepparent do right?
What did they do wrong?
My daughter is 7 and his son is 4 so these kids will be with us for a long time. Little A lives with us full time and we have the boy about 1/3 of the time.
Post # 3
- Wedding: March 2012 - Father's Vineyard Church/ A Touch of Class Banquet Center
Goods: He was very patient with the fact that he went from having no kids to having four kids. He would do anything for us. He was also very good at laying out boundaries and helping us understand what they were. He never tried to force the role of dad on us. He was sure to let us understand that he was the head of that household, but that if we did not want to call him dad or view him as a dad, that was fine as long as we respected him and his rules.
Bads: He did not show affection very well (main reason for my parent’s split).
Step-dad #2 (current step-dad)
My step-dad is fiercely loyal to his family. He always there for us, even though we are his step-children. He’s driven two + hours before to help with flat tires, and other car problems.
Downside: His temper. He is quick to anger and to use names and words that cannot be easily taken back.
Post # 4
My 1st step-mother was a nightmare. She came into the picture when I was 12. Not good timing to begin with. She insulted my taste in music, art, clothing, you name it. She was Baptist and I was going through my ‘questioning religion’ phase so we clashed a lot. She tried to be too mother-like for me. I had a mother living in town. She would search my room and take away the cds she didn’t think I shluld listen to. She took away a gorgeous art photo that happened to have a bare-breased woman (my dad bought me the photo!) because she thought it was ‘pornographic.’ I really could go on for hours about her.
My step-dad is the opposite. He didn’t get much involved with my life and we are not very close. I kinda wish we were because it is kinda awkward when it is just him and me in a room…
I guess I am saying there is a delicate balance a step-parent needs to find and it is hard to say what it is exactly. It is lucky you are blending your families when they are younger. I think it might make it easier.
Post # 5
His son also has a mom so I try not to cross too many boundaries. My little girl’s father is not involved so Mr. A has become a full time parent to her.
Post # 6
keep in mind im 25yrs old… and my parents divorced when i was 13… so my step mom has been in my life since almost right after the divorce and my step dad has been in my life since i was 16
step mom- my dad and i arent really on the best terms because well… he doesnt call, he doesnt visit, he doesnt answer his phone… it just sucks and its always been that way. he even went to far as to try to emancipate me when i was younger so he didnt have to pay child support…. i know my step mom was prolly a part of that… shes okay… shes just…. fake. she alwayds gives me hugs and whatever and asks me how i am but i know she doesnt really care because the only time i see them is holidays and thats because they are at my grandparents. shes just not involved and obviously doesnt care to be and that hurts. also i have a step brother and sister… and well… you can tell who they really care about… so yea not the best relationship.
step dad- he makes my mom soooooooo happy… she was never that happy with my dad… hes amazing! he always helps me even if i dont ask… car stuff, whatever… hes just IN my life and i like that. he calls, he checks in, he is just an all around good, honest, caring person… and you can really tell. he has always been there for me when my dad wasnt. and i consider him my dad honestly… i call him dad. he has two sons who are a bit younger than me but have always lived with their overbearing crazy mother… so he never got to see them,…. and im his only girl so i think that strengthened our bond.
i dont even know if this helped… i mean theres no way to ensure that your doing things ‘right’ because everyone is different…. but id say, be involved but not pushy… be honest and not fake… 🙂
Post # 7
Step-Dad #1 – Very childish, jealous of us and angered easily. They didn’t last very long.
Step-Dad #2 – I love him! He’s been there through everything! Helps us with whatever we need, car trouble, financial instability (which we’ve had due to college!), and anything else you can imagine. This is his first marriage, and he has no children except for us.
Sometimes I think the way people treat children has alot of bearing on how they were raised. People say that they’ll never be like their parents, well…some aren’t, but most are. Other people just don’t know what to do in certain situations which sometimes results in anger, and lashing out.
I think you both will do a wonderful job, and will raise your children to be wonderful people! 🙂
Post # 8
When I think about the things that have created good relationships with my stepparents, there are a lot of factors, but it all boils down to two things: genuine affection and respect.
I had a hard time with my stepmom at first (I was 8), because I was still angry about my parents’ divorce and because she wasn’t super comfortable around little kids. As I grew up, we became much closer. She was able to see that I wasn’t a child LONG before my dad was, and she really helped us deal with each other during my adolescence. I could see that she liked and respected me as my own person, not just as an appendage of my father’s, and I returned the feelings.
My stepdad came into my life when I was a sophomore in high school. The first time I met him I told my mom, “He is the One.” I still tease her about how right I was! He also treated my like a mature, responsibe adult with ideas and opinions worth listening to and engaging with; not just patting me on the head (metaphorically) and saying “very nice, dear.” I could see that he was wonderful for my mom, too, which helped. There were some adjustment pains, since it had been just me and my mom for most of my life, but those were very minor. I consider both him and my stepmom to truly be family members now.
Post # 9
Okay. Let me preface this by saying, these are very different circumstances between the two step-parents. I lived with my mom and step-dad 100% of the time from age 11 to 18 (yeah, not my best years) and didn’t meet my step-mom until I was 17 and decided to speak to my dad again…..
Step Dad (still married to mom, 10+ years)
Right: Very stable, easy to trust, smart and a good example financially and as far as creating a stable life.
Wrong: Lacks ability to be truly affectionate, angers easily (not physically, but verbally) and can be cold/harsh.
We’re not very close but I respect him as a person, which I think is key.
Step Mom (still married to dad)
This one is harder for me to categorize. I’ll just do this differently. I don’t know her very well and see her less than 10 times a year probably. Her kids rely on her way too much and she lets them (I don’t get it, they are 30+). She’s kind of a pushover, but can be manipulative, which I do not respond well to. We are just sort of “Meh” I guess.
Post # 10
My stepdad walked me down the aisle. I met him in 8th grade
he is patient and loves all his kids equally. You can not tell the difference between “real” and “step”
He loves my mom and makes her happy.
He never tried to be the disciplinarian
He introduced the family to new and exciting things- skiing, scuba diving, day trips. He liked to actually DO stuff with us that we all enjoyed.
He asked for our advice- what to get mom, what we thought of an outfit and actually listened to what we had to say.
He respected us as people, not just kids and we had real conversations. He would tell us about a new business venture. He was smart, but he would ask us what we thought about typically adult things.
Bad- there isnt really a bad. He doesnt get along well with my brother, but mostly because no one does. My brother is really hard to get along with, but step-dad still tries to help all the time. He is not deterred.
Post # 11
Thank you so much guys. It is really helpful to hear about your experiences.
I have a stepmother in the sense that she is married to my father but I don’t have a relationship with my father so she’s just kinda there?
Mr. A is kind and gentle which I think Annabelle really needs. He loves to just hear her opinion on different things. He is also very physically active and is not nearly the scared overprotective parent that I am. He is also very affectionate with her and his son. They cuddle up every night for movie night without me!
His son is almost four and that alone makes it hard sometimes. He’s still coming into his own personality and can be very, very sensitive. Thankfully, he’s a kid who likes to hug when he’s sad and I’m a big hugger.