(Closed) Tell me honestly, am I being stupid?!

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
9667 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

No you’re not being unreasonable at all! It is Christmas, you both should spend time with your family too!

So tell his sister that you will spend 3 nights there as planned, and then go spend time with your family 🙂 As for the hotel thing, that is a good idea but not a necessity.

Post # 4
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

No, you’re not being unreasonable.  You should get to see your family for the holidays too.  Does he worry more about upsetting his sister or upsetting you? 

Post # 5
9882 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@givemecouture:   You’re not being unreasonable.  5 nights?   With toddlers, in a small space like that?  In the same room?????   I would go ape shit nuts.  No way would I be able to cope with that for 1 or 2 nights, let alone 5 nights.  They’d have to commit me by the end of it. 

If you do this, I’m going to personally nominate you for sainthood.

Post # 7
900 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@givemecouture:  I don’t understand how you can even question whether you are being unreasonable.  Just to clarify a few things: your Boyfriend or Best Friend and you agreed to split time between the two families and to stay in a hotel when you are visiting his family because of the space issues.  THen, he goes behind your back, without discussing it with you first, and makes plans with his sister to 1)stay at her house 2) completely cut your family out of the picture for Christmas.

The space issues are sort of just personal preference.  He doesn’t care if they are all crammed in, because it’s his family, but you do.  But the fact that he just cut your family out of the picture for Christmas??  That’s…crazy.  But the fact that you are considering just going along with it kind of blows my mind.  My husband would never make plans like that without discussing it with me first, at which point, I would say “my family is equally important, so we will continue our plan of splitting our time off equally between the two families”.  End of story.

Just curious….does your Boyfriend or Best Friend typically make plans behind your back, after you two have already agreed on something else, and you go along with it?  Or is this a first?

Either way, you just politely tell your boyfriend that YOU won’t be spending 5 days at his sister’s house.  YOU will be spending the originally agreed-on 3 days, then going to your family.  He will be expected to do the same, or he will demonstrate to your family that he doesn’t care at all about them, which doesn’t bode well for a future marriage.

Post # 8
9882 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@givemecouture:   Yep, no way would I agree to it.  I personally wouldn’t do it for even 1 night, but that’s me.  I need LOTS of personal space and peace and quiet.  LOTS and LOTS.  It would ruin Christmas for me, and I’m selfish enough to feel my needs and desires count just as much as anyone else’s.

Besides, doesn’t your SO want to be alone with you in the bedroom at night?  He can go for 5 nights in a bed with you and be ok sharing the room with a toddler or two?  Hmmmm.

My opinion is that your SO should consider how you  feel about this above and beyond how his sister feels about it.  He’s not in a romantic, committed relationship with his sister. 

Post # 9
13248 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Sunfire:  Exactly.

It’s a little crazy to force 6 adults to stay in a 1000 square foot house with only one bathroom.  Tell your boyfriend you want to stick to the established plans, or that this year you might do the holidays separately with your own families. 

Oof.  Good luck!

Post # 10
7387 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Nope not at all. I’d frankly stick to the original plan of 3 days, AT A HOTEL and the rest of the days by your family. Set the precendent from now that your family is equally as important. He doesn’t sleep with his sister so why in the hell are her feelings more important than the woman he loves. GTHOH

Post # 12
11747 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Um no you aren’t being unreasonable at all. Your bf needs to man up and tell his sister you’ll only be around for 3 days then go to your families.  That is if he even wants to do this. He could be using it as an excuse to stay there longer.  Either way, I say you spend 3 days there and move on to your family.  If he doesn’t want to go – that’s a whole other issue and conversation to be had.  I’d totally stay in a hotel even if he didn’t want to!  

By The Way we have a 2000 square foot townhome with 3 bedrooms and 2.5 baths and we rarely ever let people stay with us!  

Post # 13
2638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2006

I would not compromise on not seeing my family for Christmas. The house vs. hotel thing, it sucks but you might need to get over it. I don’t know. I’d fight the family battle first!

Post # 14
170 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

You’re NOT crazy or stupid at ALL.  I think it’s MORE than reasonable to do what you’re suggesting. 

You actually sound a lot like my Darling Husband, and your Boyfriend or Best Friend sounds a lot like me…. let me explain.  I’m such a people pleaser, and I have a habit of agreeing to things, even if it’s not what I initially thought I’d do.  So if my mom guilts invites me to stay over an extra 2 days, I’m likely to say yes.  But that was when I was single, and could ‘suck it up’ myself. 

My Darling Husband, on the other hand, really needs his space.  After a few days there, I can tell that he’s “off” and is really not enjoying himself anymore, because he just needs some down time in his own space.  Out of respect for him, I try to cap our visits at 2 or 3 days. (For the record, my parents’ house is smaller than our own, and when we’re there, there are 5 people under the same roof – so I understand where he’s coming from!). 

I’d recommend asking your Boyfriend or Best Friend to consider his priorities – and then show them.  Personally, Darling Husband is my #1 and I want to make him happy above all else.  After that, I strive to make all others around me happy.  The best way to do this (I’ve found) is to have good, open communication between me and Darling Husband, and to then stick to it.  I’ve gotten very good at not committing to plans before running it past him, because that’s where the most frustrating and difficult situations arise. 

Good luck! I think you can see that we’re all behind you here.  Hopefully you can get your Boyfriend or Best Friend to see your side too.  

Post # 15
7387 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@MrsWBS:  I’d totally stay in a hotel even if he didn’t want to!  

You and me both. And I’d leave him to when its time to go by folks if he insists on staying. 

Post # 16
11271 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

i would be a bit upset that he made other plans without consulting you.  tell him that you are very excited to see his family but the two of you had already agreed on the plans and that he needs to let his sister know what the plans are. 

it would be completely unfair to disregard your family visit just to stay longer with his.  totally unfair. 

as for the sleeping arrangements, i would probably want to stay in a hotel too.  it would be a lot more comfortable for everyone involved.

maybe as a compromise you can stay 1 night (christmas eve) at the house and the other 2 at a hotel.

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