(Closed) Tell me honestly, am I being stupid?!

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
11736 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Just want to add too that if he doesn’t compromise with you and go to spend time with your family, I’d honestly just go to my family by myself and not go to see his.  You’ve got to set a precedent. There’s no need for you to be compromising if he’s not willing to do the same!

Post # 19
113 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I really don’t think men think about things like this. I bet in his head he thought ‘oh that does seem easier’ and forgot to update you which is not something us girls would do. My OH sometimes does things like this, and it’s not malicious at all, he just tries and makes things easier, but by doing so makes things more complicated!

I think he’ll understand if you press the fact that you want to spend time with your family too, especially over Christmas. If not maybe you could split your time (you head off after 3 nights and he meets up with you later?)? We’ve done this in the past when our family situation was a bit complicated (we’d spent 2 holidays in a row with my folks, but my mum was ill so I didn’t want to leave her, but he (rightfully) wanted to spend a Christmas with his family), and it worked out well.

As far as the hotel goes – this can be tricky! Do you think your sister in law would be offended if you didn’t stay with her? If so I’d probably stay with them for 3 nights rather than stay in a hotel for an easy life.  If you’re adamant that you stay in a hotel, maybe you could just say to SIL that you’re thinking of them and don’t want to overcrowd them during the holidays?

Post # 20
4438 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall

You’re NOT being unreasonable, you and BF had discussed your holiday plans and he went and changed them without speaking with you first.  So it’s his problem to handle his sister “flip[ping] out.”  You have very valid points.

Also, I totally sympathize with THIS:

View original reply
@givemecouture:  I feel all tense just thinking about it! I love those two kids so much but they’re hyper and crazy and as much as I love his sister and her husband, they don’t exactly discipline them. They take your phone and play with it constantly, and last time we were there they were both going through my stuff and the 4 year old was playing with my makeup. I’m very “my stuff is my stuff” and I like my space. I’m so worried that I’ll end up snapping if I even attempt this!

And this part:

We talked about it last night and he made me feel kind of bad about it… he said maybe we could consider one night in a hotel, but make it a fun one so that the kids can come hang out with us

He should NOT be making you feel bad about this, it seems soooo manipulative!  He’s the one that changed things after you two discussed them, I know I said that already but all my emphasis is there!

Also, why is he so obsessed with these kids?  The whole point of the hotel is to leave them AT THE HOME.  To be crazy and undisciplined!

Post # 21
2362 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013 - B&B

It is NOT ok for you to miss out on seeing your family for Christmas simply because HIS sister would be “upset” at the change of plans. Why does it get to be all about her? Answer: it doesn’t.

I would do as PP’s suggested, and tell your BF that you will go along, and agree to the sleeping arrangements, for 3 days. And then YOUR family that YOU LOVE TOO will get your attention after that. Because it is ROYALLY unfair for you to miss some Christmastime with your family as well. And then let him decide if he’s going to go along with you or stay with sis.

This is the kind of thing that has to happen once you guys are engaged/married…. you will have to figure out fair/equal Christmas arrangements, which means compromise on both ends. It sounds like you’re already there, he’s going to have to get there too!!!!

Post # 22
1765 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I would not be happy about that whole situation! Relationships are about compromise, so he should be willing to take your feelings into account. I can’t imagine not seeing my family for Christmas, let alone staying in such a cramped space for 5 days! Sounds like a nightmare, honestly. He shouldn’t be so worried about his sister’s feelings.. he should be concerned about your feelings. 

Post # 23
7426 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. I don’t think that was very considerate of him to change the plans on you without even asking you about it. It also bothers me that he’s more concerned with not upsetting his sister than how you are feeling.

Post # 25
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

View original reply
@givemecouture:    ((HUGS))  Don’t cry, hon.  I’m so sad for you.

Guess what – You deserve to be #1 in your own life.  You really do.  Keep telling yourself that YOU COUNT.  YOU MATTER.  YOU DESERVE TO BE HEARD.

There is a difference between the selfishness that cares for no one else and the healthy selfishness that preserves your own soul.  Remember that.

Post # 26
9820 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Honestly I’d be more upset that he is making you blow off your family for christmas. That wouldn’t fly with me at all. It really seems like he’s not very considerate of your feelings.

Post # 27
170 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Aawwwwwww *hugs* it’ll all turn out well 🙂 and it’s always ok to cry!!

Post # 28
1143 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
@Sunnyday278:  completely agree with this post!

View original reply
@givemecouture:  It is not fair to have his family hog all of Christmas because his sister “might get upset”. She’s an adult. She’ll get over it. Your family deserves your time as well…Christmas is about family! Hold your ground girl!

Post # 29
2203 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

OMG i would be so pissed! how is that fair at all? and why would he be okay with you being upset but be so afraid of his sister flipping out?? i can’t believe he doesn’t see how unfair this is.

Post # 31
1085 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@givemecouture:  I think your SO’s sister needs to suck it up. She still gets to see her brother, and you deserve to see your family too. Your plan sounds pretty fair on both sides. And I don’t blame you for wanting to sleep somewhere else, why don’t you text the sister and tell her, that way your SO doesn’t have to worry about upsetting his sister because you’re the one who told her

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