(Closed) Tell me honestly, am I being stupid?!

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

You’re not being unreasonable.  You should be able to spend time with your family and it’s not fair he changed plans you.  Honestly if it were me, I would tell him to go by himself and I would stay with my family.  It’s also unfair he’s made you feel bad for putting you in an uncomfortable position, not cool and very manipulative.  It’s not about upsetting his sister, it’s about him not respecting you or your family at that by changing plans behind your back.  If he’s so worried about upsetting his sister, than maybe he should stay with his parents and you stay at a hotel nearby.  Then after the three dys you go, by yourself if he does not want to upset his sister, to visit your family.  You deserve to be treated better and taken into consideration.  Once you have made your decision stick to your guns and don’t let ANYONE make you feel bad or guilty about it!

Post # 33
Member
4801 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

If his sister gets upset that is his own fault for agreeing to spent 5 nights there without discussing it with you, and knowing that it would mean you would not get to spend any time with your family over the holidays. That was really unfair and selfish of him to do. If I were you, I would tell him that after however many nights (2, 3, whatever works best with your family’s plans), you will be leaving his sister’s home to go see your family for the holidays as you had originally discussed – you never agreed to this change of plans. His decision of whether he’d rather not upset his sister, or do the right thing by his SO – but if it were me there’d be some pretty serious consequences if he cares more about not upsetting his sister than about fairly splitting the holidays up as you two had agreed upon before.

Post # 34
Member
756 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Yeah I agree with @Wonderstruck. You should go see your family for the nights that you had planned on, regardless of his plans, and if he doesn’t come with you that is his problem. He should not be making plans without telling you and being clear, and you need to put your foot down. That being said, maybe the compromise is that the three days you are there you stay at the house.

Post # 36
Member
1795 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Why is his sister controlling your holiday plans? Honestly your BF needs to grow some balls and man up. He should tell his sister that you two are going to make your own holiday plans. It’s important to set realistic expectations that you won’t let his family run your life.

Post # 37
Member
129 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

He is the one being unreasonable if he doesn’t realise it’s important to spend time with your family too!

Post # 38
Member
220 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

View original reply
@Sunfire:  +1. Amen.

Post # 39
Member
595 posts
Busy bee

Why does his sister choose how long you are staying there? It should be your choice. Spend 3 days there and 3 days with your family like originally planned.

 

Post # 40
Member
894 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Would it be a big deal if you left early to go and visit your family to see them for the holidays? I’d just explain to her it’s important to you to see them as well. Your bf can always stay at his sisters.

Post # 41
Member
3657 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

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@givemecouture:  perfectly reasonable on your part to avoid 5 nights in a crowded space.

If I were the SIL I’d be so happy that you wanted to stay in a motel.

Post # 42
Member
870 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

View original reply
@Sunfire:  +100.

I’m spending a week with FI’s family, including his 2 nephews.  I think we’re going to have our own room.  But I’m still probably going to go nuts by the end.  I’m an extreme introvert.  I can normally only stand a couple of hours with people I don’t know well (family or otherwise) before I start itching to go into a quiet space by myself (and possibly rock back and forth for a while.)  I don’t do strangers, strange places, or lots of socializing very well at all, and I’ll be doing all three very soon.

OP, I think your SO is being unreasonable.  He should have considered your comfort and your desire to see your family and talked to you before making plans with his sister.  It’s kind of a jerk move to deny you your family just so he can spend more time with his.  Compromise is important, and what he’s doing isn’t compromising.

Post # 43
Member
7638 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I would stand firm on (1) (3 days only) but budge on (2) (the hotel).

It is totally, totally unreasonable for your bf’s family to have you for the entire Christmas and not see your family. You should see both families – that is not negotiable in my book. You stay for 3 days and then you leave to see your family.

On the other hand, I can see how the motel would come across as a bit rude. As a compromise, I would accept living in sis’s house, so long as it’s just the 3 days.

Post # 44
Member
1092 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

View original reply
@givemecouture:  If your bf is such a “people pleaser”, why isn’t he pleasing YOU??

If my boyfriend, fiance or husband changed plans with his sister without asking me I’d be pissed. How about you change plans without asking him and stay the whole Christmas vacation with your family. He needs a lesson in compromise, respect and stop being a yes man to everyone except you. I get wanting to please people, to an extent I am too but I would NEVER put myself in an uncomfomfortable position (sharing a bedroom with a toddler, 1 bathroom for a crap load of people, etc) just so someone doesn’t “flip out”. Ok, she may be disappointed but to flip out because someone wants to spend time with their own family is selfish and extremly insensitive.

The past 2 years we spent the Christmas holiday with my husbands uncle and cousins in Norcal but this year I wanted to spend it at home. We have a new granddaughter and want to spend Christmas closer to home especially since it’s her 1st one. Even if his family “flipped out” that we didn’t spend it with them I’d still want to stay home.

Post # 45
Member
4654 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@givemecouture:  5 nights with little kids sounds like a nightmare. You’re not being unreasonable, I’d ask for -nay, demand!- the same things you are and I think you’re 100% in the right. If his sister “flips out” he should let that be her problem because SHE’D then be the one being unreasonable. Man you’d think she’d be GLAD to have two less adults to share the space with!

Post # 46
Member
48 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2014

His sister is a mother so she understands that family is important, Tell her that you are sorry to change plans around but you would like to spend time with your family over the holidays too. I am sure she will understand.

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