Post # 1
I won’t go into great detail on my situaton.. of course it can be looked up on my threads. In short…been with SO just over 3 years. I know he loves me, not sure if he ever wants marriage. He’s had a bad experience with marriage (but so have I), and I’m not certain if/where this will end. We’ve been through the ringer this year with this issue. other than this very major issue, he treats me very very well. supportive, helpful, sweet, attentive. But, you all know this is a biggie.
So – I wondered if the following has ever happened to any other bees whilst waiting (even though I’m not even officially waiting)
We went out with some friends of mine this weekend to see a local band. Older guys, not young boys (I’m not young myself!!). I was really attracted to the lead singer. Yes, I feel bad about it. I couldn’t help but smile at him and he sort of mezmorized me….and he kept smiling back. My SO couldn’t see my face so I don’t think he noticed that.
SO won’t dance. Yes, he WON’T. So I danced with my friends. You know, partnerless. Had a blast. After the band finsihed this beautiful man walks up to me and says “have we met?” and of course, I know that’s a line. But I smiled and laughed and then he knew I knew it was a line so he laughed. And we introduced ourselves and talked a minute. I told him how much I enjoyed his music. blah blah – couldn’t really hear for the loud music.
After my SO and I left he apparently went and talked to one of my friends who he knows that follows his band. He was obviously “fishing” for info about me but my friend told him that was my boyfriend I was with.
I can’t stop thinking about him. Not my SO, but the guy. I’m not a cheater so of course I’m not doing anything about it but I know he lives around here and it’s so tempting. A part of me is like “you’ve missed your chance buddy” to my SO. It’s so frustrating and heartbreaking when you’re with someone and they don’t know what they want to do for your future. I want someone who can’t wait to be with me…where there is no queestion!!!
has this sort of thing ever happened to anyone? I feel bad about flirting and thinking about this guy, but by the same token……I don’t know. I’m so frustrated!!!!!!!
Post # 3
I don’t know your personal history, but I know that in my case, my boyfriend acted a lot like that when we first met. There’s always the excitement and butterflies in the first few weeks or months of meeting someone. When I met my boyfriend, I was so in love and so convinced we were meant to be together that I literally could not sleep at night. I had terrible insomnia. Now we live together and have been dating for over a year. Obviously that initial excitement and “thrill of the chance” has worn away into a true and steady love. But I understand how you can miss the excitement and fliratation of those first few weeks. If you aren’t happy in your relationship, then that might be something you need to talk to your boyfriend about. Let him know you don’t feel like you are being appreciated as much as you once were. I don’t see anything wrong about getting a little excited when a cute guy in a band seems interested in you. It probably takes you back to the beginning of your relationship with your boyfriend, but if you act on it, you should know you are doing it because you are fundamentally unhappy with something in your relationship.
Honestly though, I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t be a little flattered that a guy or girl was asking about you after you left a party. That makes everyone feel good, even if you have no interest in the other person. So don’t feel guilty about it! I think that’s totally normal.
Post # 4
I think it’s natural to be frustrated about something like that. I haven’t felt that way since being with my current SO. But I have with exes. I’m not dooming your relationship. But you asked and, honestly, the only time I felt that way was with exes who I felt didn’t want me. And in the end they didn’t and I moved on. I feel like my guy wants me now. I know he’s the one and he knows I’m the one.
Everyone deserves to be with someone who WANTS them. And if you aren’t feeling wanted, that’ an issue. I’m sorry you’re feeling confused. I don’t think the situation speaks definitively one way or another about your relationship, but I think it’s important enough to take note of for the future.
I’m glad you had a good time at least.
Post # 5
Ummm… NO! There’s nothing wrong with your feelings!
Hey, if someone doesn’t want me “wondering” about another man… he should put a ring on my finger and take me off the market, officially. I don’t do lay-a-way beyond 2 years (meaning non-engagement), and I won’t go beyond a year without them having an idea if they want me forever or not. Sorry, but my time is too important for that.
You waiting 3+ years makes you a saint.
I have totally been in your position not once, but twice. I “waited” for my son’s dad to propose. August of 2009 a gorgeous guy came by to pick up something I was selling on e-bay. I invited him inside for coffee. It was an amazing conversation and he had a twinkle in his eye for me. That was all I needed to decide that I needed an engagement for sure, like soon. Because I knew I was worth it. I ended up leaving a month later, because our 4 year anniversary was approaching and I had no ring on my finger.
Second time this happened was last year with a new Boyfriend or Best Friend, and a male friend had (has) the hots for me. At that time I had been with Boyfriend or Best Friend for 10 months and he wasn’t “sure” I was the one for him. At 37 I thought he should have an idea, but he didn’t. I remained friends with the guy. He gave my son karate lessons. He was and is wonderful, but we never dated. He made me see that there were good guys out there who would value me and want to take me off the lot. With that boyfriend, he had a whole 18 months to figure out if he wanted marriage. At 18 months, I asked him, and he said he still wasn’t sure. So I left.
My current boyfriend knows I won’t allow someone to waffle. Once I reveal myself, I won’t wait around forever for them to decide if I am worth marrying or not. Knowing that there are other men out there makes it easier.
Post # 6
I agree with PPs!!!
Your feeling flattered and your wondering eyes & feelings do NOT make you a bad person!!!
Now if you act on it and get caught that will be a problem for you. I believe at this point, letting him know how you feel sounds about right.
Post # 7
This has happened to me yes. And that’s the very reason I knew the one I was with wasn’t the right one. Nice, sweet, kind, loving and caring isn’t enough. It’s the true match of 2 people, that connection like no other, that’s what it’s about for me. There are tond of nice, sweet, kind, loving men in the world but that doesn’t mean they’re my match.
Post # 8
Thanks for the replies. And thanks for the saint calling for waiting 3 years. I cracked up on that one, but believe me….I feel like I’m a saint for dealing with all the baggage. It’s so hard for me because my SO is so good to me…takes care of me, loves me, but he’s not great at showing his emotions in the way that I need to be shown. We’ve had many conversations about this.
So – now – today – I’m so full of butterflies for this new guy that I barely know…there is just SOMETHING there. Not just about him being hot, it’s something else. I know you all think I’m nuts. I found out last night through a mutual friend we share that he was ONCE AGAIN asking about me and told my friend he was very interested. And, he made it known he was available.
I can’t eat. I’ve lost 3 pounds since I met him. I can’t think of anything else.
I feel: guilty, elated, sick to my stomach, nervous, excited. And scared, mostly scared.
Post # 9
@prshadow: I’ve never been in a situation where I was preoccupied with thoughts about a guy other than the one I was dating, but my sense is that if this is happening with you, it’s probably a barometer that something is ‘off’ in your relationship. Have you talked with your SO about this? (Not about the other guy, but about how you don’t feel appreciated/loved by him perhaps?)
Post # 10
Actually I can tell my SO is the man I want to marry/spend my life with as when I do get attention from other guys I just feel the need to run away from them, get out of the situation and be back with SO pronto..
But thats just me. I guess if you feel that spark, that magnetism with that other guy would be too hard to resist, especially if you doubt your current relationship
Post # 11
I have talked to my SO about the “what’s missing” part (obviously, not about the other guy, LOL). I get what you guys are saying here. I know I’m missing someting and that’s the whole reason that this is happening. Months and months ago, I would have RUN the other direction immediately. This is the first time I’ve felt this way in the 3+ years we’ve been together.
It’s really hard…….
Post # 12
It’s just a crush w/this band guy. You feel wanted and pursued, and it makes you feel special; you’re also really flattered because he’s attractive. That’s absolutely ok!
If things were hunky dory w/your guy, you wouldn’t be feeling this way. If at 3 years you don’t think he’ll ever be ready for marriage, it’s important for you to evaluate what you want.
Post # 13
@prshadow: I can’t help but think that if your SO put a ring on it, you would feel more valued, more desired, more special, etc in your relationship. Because there is no ring after 3+ years, you may feel not pretty enough, successful enough, smart enough, etc in his eyes. Not saying you have low self esteem or anything, but you may be thinking, why is it taking him so long to realize that I am amazing? So… the fact that someone else has his eye on you may be giving you the validation that you need. This guy thinks you are hot stuff, and mabye you feel that your SO doesn’t. The absence of the ring may be solidifying that belief.
That’s just what I would feel if I was in your situation. Not saying you feel that way completely, but it would make sense if you did.
Post # 14
@prshadow: My most recent boyfriend (not my current one) also treated me amazingly. He spoiled me rotten. But he wasn’t sure if I was “the one” for him. When someone is balking at marriage after 18+ months AND they are over the age of 30, it makes you think, what the hell? Him treating me so good made things much harder. I wanted to wring his neck and say “Why treat me this good if you don’t want me forever?” lol
Post # 15
Yeah it happened before, and that guy became my Fiance. I think here is where you make a decision whether you want to fight for your relationship with your SO or move on. I just knew after meeting Fiance, I wasn’t willing to fight for it, but that was because we were just so compatible and clearly fit, while I just didn’t feel that way for my then SO.
Post # 16
You guys are helping me so much and it is so nice not to be judged. I feel so guilty. Mrs. Harmony….you hit the nail on the head. I know my guy loves me but after three years why isn’t it enough to want to move forward? Tthis guy made a beeline for me….and is very extroverted and bold….very exciting.
I’m so tired of feeling not worthy even though I know deep down I am.
I feel like I owe it to myself to get to know this guy on a friendship basis. What if there is something there? May not be….but what if I’m waiting on my guy a year from now and regret not looking into it? Y’all may think I’m a bad person. Im so ashamed…
So he and I emailed some last night…he actually asked me out but I declined. We exchanged about five or so emails. He is a real fireball…..gets to the point…wanted to know what was up with the guy I was with. I didn’t tell him anything. But I have to say his personality is more like mine…
Yet I love my guy….just don’t know if anything will ever change. I’m so torn. So glad I have you guys to talk through this