Post # 1
Ok… so I need some help on this issue. My FH’s father passed when he was 12, and about 6 years ago his mom remarried. She remarried behind everyone’s back because no one likes her new husband. This guy is a total drunk who is “recovering”, but no one really believes it. My FH and I have talked about asking him to not attend the wedding… we don’t want him there are really no one other than FH’s mom wants him there. So is it wrong to not invite him, and how would you go about doing so? My main issue is that there will be some drinking at the wedding, and we just don’t trust him… he is a horriable sloppy drunk, and we want a drama free day
Post # 2
I don’t think you will end up with a drama free day if he’s not invited. Either mom will bring him anyway, invite or no, or she won’t come at all, or she will but might make a scene about him not being invited.
I would invite him, and make mom aware if there’s any issues they’ll both be asked to leave. She will probably be better about keeping tabs on him (or may not bring him at all) if she thinks it will risk her missing out on her son’s wedding
Post # 3
I have this thing called law and enforcement when it comes to punishing bad behavior. I am a very respectful, decent, and kind person but I’m not a pushover who will let sh*t just happen to her. I am no victim and I refuse to be one.
I will invite them, but inform them in my sweet non-negotiable voice that of they do behave beyond what I call respectful (and I am the one that will judge if the behavior is uncalled for), then they will be discreetly escorted out of my wedding by trusted groomsmen and relatives.
Post # 4
It would be tricky to dictate her not bringing her husband. Do you have a picture? Maybe give it to the bartender along with a nice tip and say that this guy gets cut off or doesn’t even get to drink at all. If you have a coordinator them them know too. Have the groomsmen keep an eye out. If he gets rowdy about it then they will be asked to leave. Let your Mother-In-Law know this. There is an off chance her husband would simply refuse to come. Yes, awkward but so is forbidding him and him getting hammered at the wedding.
Post # 5
I don’t see how you can not invite the mother of thr groom’s husband. I think you’ve got some good advice and agree with @theatrejulia
Post # 6
You don’t even have to give the bartender a big tip. Trust me, the venue does NOT want problems. Agree, give his pictures and Mother-In-Law to bartender (she will likely be getting drinks for him).
Post # 7
I agree with all PPs. You can’t not invite him. But you can ensure that he will be gone if there are problems.
Post # 8
You can’t not invite him. He’s her husband, and they are a social unit. How would you feel if someone in your family decided they didn’t like your Darling Husband and invited you to attend a wedding but not him? I’m guessing you probably wouldn’t go right? If you don’t invite stepdad, mom probably won’t come and you’ve just created a rift that will span the rest of your years.
Invite him, and if he gets out of control, have him removed.
Post # 9
Don’t bribe the bartender. You’re taking your problem and making it someone else’s. If the guy is a sloppy drunk, you think he’s going to be nice to the bartender when the bartender cuts him off? Sit down with your Fi, his mother and stepfather and explain exactly what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior. Explain the consequences of bad behavior. Like “if you make a scene, I will never invite you to my home again.” Then let them be responsible for themselves. But make sure you are clear about the consequences and actually intend to follow through.
Post # 10
my niece’s mom can be a problem and make scenes when drunk. As much as I wanted a drama free wedding, I felt she needed to be with us. I grew up with this woman in the family. She is my niece’s mom. And as crazy as she is when drunk, she is a very loving and kind person most of the time. She has been there for us in good and bad times. Just like we’ve been there for her. She is family in our eyes. Period.
So I invited her an my niece (22) made sure to keep an eye on her and take her out if she was getting upset or something. Also to make sure she ate so wasn’t on an empty stomach. Kind of a PITA to babysit but in the end everything worked well, she enjoyed the wedding. My niece enjoyed it too and there were no awkward drunk shows at all.
Post # 11
I understand that technically he should be invited, but just looking at him makes me cringe… and he has no relationship with anyone in the famy except her. In fact no one even speaks to him, so that is why I am thinking about asking him not to attend. I rwally don’t think he would come if he was invited, and if he did come I think it would only be to cause trouble ( he is extremely jealous of my FI). I aappreciate all of your suggestions, this is something we are really struggling with.
Post # 12
You need to talk to FH’s mom about this. If she wants her husband there, than that’s with in her rights and you should respect her enough to respect her marriage. But your FH should talk to his mom about going solo and if she’d consider leaving hubby at home for his sake.
If she says no, you then should invite him and let them know that if he is disruptive he will be asked to leave.
Post # 13
- Wedding: September 2012 - Southern California
I think this is your FI’s call. Not inviting him could strain the relationship with his mom. I would have him talk to his parents though & let them know that his stepfather’s drinking behavior will not be tolerated, so he can come & be respectful or he can just stay home. I would probably hire security or something just for your peace of mind if you can.
Post # 14
where I live, bartenders are NOT allowed to overserve. THEY (or the venue) can get sued if they do and someone has an accident driving home. This is part of their job. The venue will appreciate being given a heads up as to problem people. NO, the consequences should NOT be limited to any drunk not being invited to OP’s house, they should include Fiance informing his SF that if over indulges, HE.WILL. BE.ESCORTED.OUT.
Post # 15
which is all fine and good.
what is not good is not addressing the problem proactively by telling the stepfather to behave himself, then crossing your fingers and letting someone else deal with the mess.
No one ever said to tell the bartenders to serve someone too much booze, so calm down. I said to deal with the problem before it is a problem and not after, and to come up with meaningful consequences. I’m sure this guy has been escorted out of places before and it is not enough of a threat to keep his Behavior in check.