(Closed) Tell me if this is wrong…. Issue with FH's stepfather

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
2087 posts
Buzzing bee

I don’t think you will end up with a drama free day if he’s not invited. Either mom will bring him anyway, invite or no, or she won’t come at all, or she will but might make a scene about him not being invited.

I would invite him, and make mom aware if there’s any issues they’ll both be asked to leave. She will probably be better about keeping tabs on him (or may not bring him at all) if she thinks it will risk her missing out on her son’s wedding

Post # 3
Member
1166 posts
Bumble bee

I have this thing called law and enforcement when it comes to punishing bad behavior.  I am a very respectful, decent, and kind person but I’m not a pushover who will let sh*t just happen to her.  I am no victim and I refuse to be one.  

I will invite them, but inform them in my sweet non-negotiable voice that of they do behave beyond what I call respectful (and I am the one that will judge if the behavior is uncalled for), then they will be discreetly escorted out of my wedding by trusted groomsmen and relatives.  

Post # 4
Member
9524 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

It would be tricky to dictate her not bringing her husband. Do you have a picture? Maybe give it to the bartender along with a nice tip and say that this guy gets cut off or doesn’t even get to drink at all. If you have a coordinator them them know too. Have the groomsmen keep an eye out. If he gets rowdy about it then they will be asked to leave. Let your Mother-In-Law know this. There is an off chance her husband would simply refuse to come. Yes, awkward but so is forbidding him and him getting hammered at the wedding.

Post # 5
Member
3169 posts
Sugar bee

I don’t see how you can not invite the mother of thr groom’s husband. I think you’ve got some good advice and agree with @theatrejulia 

Post # 6
Member
1604 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

You don’t even have to give the bartender a big tip.  Trust me, the venue does NOT want problems.  Agree, give his pictures and Mother-In-Law to bartender (she will likely be getting drinks for him). 

Post # 7
Member
1214 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I agree with all PPs. You can’t not invite him. But you can ensure that he will be gone if there are problems.

Post # 8
Member
7171 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

You can’t not invite him. He’s her husband, and they are a social unit. How would you feel if someone in your family decided they didn’t like your Darling Husband and invited you to attend a wedding but not him? I’m guessing you probably wouldn’t go right? If you don’t invite stepdad, mom probably won’t come and you’ve just created a rift that will span the rest of your years. 

Invite him, and if he gets out of control, have him removed. 

Post # 9
Member
7471 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

Don’t bribe the bartender. You’re taking your problem and making it someone else’s. If the guy is a sloppy drunk, you think he’s going to be nice to the bartender when the bartender cuts him off?  Sit down with your Fi, his mother and stepfather and explain exactly what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior. Explain the consequences of bad behavior.  Like “if you make a scene, I will never invite you to my home again.” Then let them be responsible for themselves. But make sure you are clear about the consequences and actually intend to follow through. 

Post # 10
Member
1988 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
missbristol88:  my niece’s mom can be a problem and make scenes when drunk. As much as I wanted a drama free wedding, I felt she needed to be with us. I grew up with this woman in the family. She is my niece’s mom. And as crazy as she is when drunk, she is a very loving and kind person most of the time. She has been there for us in good and bad times. Just like we’ve been there for her. She is family in our eyes. Period. 

So I invited her an my niece (22) made sure to keep an eye on her and take her out if she was getting upset or something. Also to make sure she ate so wasn’t on an empty stomach. Kind of a PITA to babysit but in the end everything worked well, she enjoyed the wedding. My niece enjoyed it too and there were no awkward drunk shows at all.

Post # 12
Member
400 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
missbristol88:  You need to talk to FH’s mom about this. If she wants her husband there, than that’s with in her rights and you should respect her enough to respect her marriage. But your FH should talk to his mom about going solo and if she’d consider leaving hubby at home for his sake. 

If she says no, you then should invite him and let them know that if he is disruptive he will be asked to leave. 

Post # 13
Member
2678 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012 - Southern California

I think this is your FI’s call. Not inviting him could strain the relationship with his mom. I would have him talk to his parents though & let them know that his stepfather’s drinking behavior will not be tolerated,  so he can come & be respectful or he can just stay home. I would probably hire security or something just for your peace of mind if you can. 

Post # 14
Member
1604 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

View original reply
Horseradish:  where I live, bartenders are NOT allowed to overserve.  THEY (or the venue) can get sued if they do and someone has an accident driving home.  This is part of their job.  The venue will appreciate being given a heads up as to problem people.   NO, the consequences should NOT be limited to any drunk not being invited to OP’s house, they should include Fiance informing his SF that if over indulges, HE.WILL. BE.ESCORTED.OUT.

Post # 15
Member
7471 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

View original reply
juanita.kelly.9:  which is all fine and good.

what is not good is not addressing the problem proactively by telling the stepfather to behave himself, then crossing your fingers and letting someone else deal with the mess. 

No one ever said to tell the bartenders to serve someone too much booze, so calm down. I said to deal with the problem before it is a problem and not after, and to come up with meaningful consequences. I’m sure this guy has been escorted out of places before and it is not enough of a threat to keep his Behavior in check. 

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