(Closed) Tell me to stop being a brat.

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 62
Member
1504 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@This Time Round:  Your response is amazing. I couldn’t have said it any better.

Post # 63
Member
44 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@Steampunkbride:  +1000

OP, whether you decide to invite her or not, just let it go; it’s not worth it.

Post # 64
Member
11484 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I would encourage you to be careful that you do not fall into the “post hoc, ergo, proper hoc” (after this, therefore, because of this) trap.

Just because you communicated with this woman an hour before she posted this tribute to her daughter in her status does not mean that these two events are in any way related.

You do not know what may have inspired your mother’s friend to write that status, whether it was a backhanded, proactive measure to discourage her own daughter from marrying a boyfriend of whom the mother does not approve or whether the mother had just learned of another young person who has been making poor decisions in some of these areas. The fact is, you do not know, and you may never know.

I would forgo choosing to be offended by this and instead follow through with your original intention of sending the save-the-date notice.  Likewise, I also would forgo trying to interprent this situation based on whether or not this woman is willing or able to take the time and go to the expense of making a cross-country trip to attend your wedding.

Post # 65
Member
2454 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

@renwoman:  “or she was trying to bolster her daughter’s spirit” +1 to this and your story.

When I got engaged, by BF’s mom kept switching between excitment for me and saying to her daughter “But oh, you don’t need to feel rushed and get married now, you’re so young.”  I’m one year older.  And I was not offended at all.

The other interesting thing is that while you two are the same age- THAT DOES NOT MAKE YOU THE SAME PERSON.  Maybe her mom doesn’t think she’s ready for marriage or kids.  It sounds like she’s still in college (based on the graduating comment).  Maybe her mom is expressing happiness that her daughter is more focused on getting her degree than finding a husband.  I don’t think there’s anything wrong in that.

I think this is very much a situation where a FB post is taken completely out of context and twisted.

It’s up to you (and your mom) if you want to invite her.  But I wouldn’t uninvite her for this.

I’d also add that since you asked for her address for a STD, she is probably expecting an invitation.  And I think there were some comments that it would be rude for her to ask where her invitation is, but if I was expecting something and never got it, I would be calling about it.  So if you decide to not invite her, be prepared for the potential consequence of that.

Post # 66
Member
2704 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@paula1248:  So perhaps this wasn’t written with you in mind, but herself. Your marriage just got her thinking,,, “My friend’s daughter is getting married… that reminds of my marriage… boy was that a mistake… I’m glad my daughter isn’t making the same mistakes I did“.

@Brielle:  Just because you communicated with this woman an hour before she posted this tribute to her daughter in her status does not mean that these two events are in any way related.

THANK YOU!  OP, I don’t think you’re a brat, but I do think you should stop obsessing over what someone posted on FB.  It’s FB!  It doesn’t freaking matter.
 
Also, it’s pretty vain to assume that this post was directed at you.  She didn’t call you out by name or give any indication that it was about you.  How do you know her daughter doesn’t have another friend getting married to a bad boyfriend?  How do you know she didn’t mean “not pregnant AND getting married” instead of “or getting married?” (which is how I ready it btw).  How do you know she isn’t reflecting on her own mistakes and happy that her daughter isn’t making them.  Or maybe she just doesn’t think people under the age of 25 should get married in general and expressing a general opinion?  That’s not an unpopular opinion and I’m she’s not the only guest would might think that. 
 
The point is you don’t know what prompted her to say what she said.  So it’s best just to assume she didn’t direct it at you.  It would be extremely petty and immature to revoke an invitation simply because this woman may or may not have said something negative about the age at which you are marrying. 
 
It would be even MORE immature to throw the FB comment back in her face if she asks where her invitation is.  What are you going to do when she says it wasn’t about you but about XYZ?  Think about it.  What you and PPs are saying is “Well, I’m not going to invite you because you said something mean about me on FB, so there!  Humph!”  It’s just… very HS.

Post # 67
Member
1228 posts
Bumble bee

Honestly, I agree with some of the bees here… The daughter is jealous that nobody is interested in marrying her and she’s trying to make her daughter feel better that she’s single 

Post # 68
Member
685 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@208bride:  Oh no, I wouldn’t invite her .. What a biznatch 

Post # 71
Member
4192 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

OP, I’d be very hurt by that post as well, but you don’t have to make this decision today. You don’t have to send her a save the date. If you and your Mom have a different feeling about this in the future and decided to invite her, no harm, no foul. Things get lost in the mail all the time. 🙂

Post # 72
Member
2704 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@208bride:  I’m not saying you are acting like a high schooler (in fact I even said I don’t think you’re acting like a brat), I’m just saying that if you did X, you would be.  That part of the comment was more in response to all the PPs telling you not to invite this woman and to tell her (if she asks) that she was not invited because of what she posted on FB.  Based on your OP, it sounds like we are in agreement and I’m validating your initial reaction.  Sorry that wasn’t more clear. 

I know it seems likely that the post was about you, but because you don’t know 100% that it was, it’s best to just ignore it.  That way there are no hurt feelings on either side.  PLUS, she may not agree with what you are doing, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t support you.

FWIW, if someone said that right after I told them about my wedding, I’d shurg it off and assume they were thinking about something/somebody else.  I don’t take 99% of the stuff on FB all that seriously.

Post # 73
Member
2393 posts
Buzzing bee

@208bride:  

 

I’m sorry. I highly doubt it’s a coincidence that she posted that within an hour of speaking with you. There is no way I would invite her to my wedding – regardless of mom’s opinion. 

 

I would hate to think of looking out at the crowd of guests on my wedding day, seeing her, and remembering the comment she made.

 

 

 

Positive energy only on your wedding day!

 

 

 

You haven’t seen her in 12 years. If she wonders why you called and asked for her address and then no invitation was forthcoming, so be it. If she dares ask why she didn’t get an invite, tell her the post office must have made a mistake.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Post # 74
Member
297 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

This is why Facebook and weddings don’t mix! It’s interesting you went from being ok with inviting this woman to your wedding, then all of a sudden calling her a “haggard, jaded woman”…those are pretty harsh words. Obviously she’s not that important to you, so just don’t invite her. If she was important to you, ask her straight up what she meant by the post.

Post # 75
Member
3970 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - Canada

@208bride:  I havent read all the comments, so forgive me if you’ve answered this question already but is there a chance that this woman (FB poster) was married and or pregnant at your age? Possibly to the abusive relationship guy? I wonder if thats where she’s coming from. Maybe your message to her just reminded her of where she was at your age and how unhealthy it was… maybe she didnt even connect the dots between you and her daughter… Ok, that might be a stretch, but I like to believe that people aren’t obviously rude on purpose lol

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