I referred to some examples on another thread, but I feel this is a good place to elaborate.
I have a coworker friend who tried to adopt in the United States for almost 7 years. The problem is that they said something that apparently offended their home study worker and after waiting a year for the home study to be completed, they finally became the squeaky wheel.
It may not have been the best decision, because that’s when they got the home study. Technically it was approved, but with the comments from the worker added, they had difficulty matching with a placement. It was made harder because they didn’t want to foster, they wanted legally free kids. They were an older couple, both of color, and they wanted to adopt older kids of color, preferably a sibling group and they had no preference for gender.
This couple had been married almost 20 years and both had good jobs.
The offensive comment was made by my friend who said they loved God and she says the whole demeanor of the worker changed after that. It’s sad that a bad home study can ruin your chances for placement.
So they got the home study finally done 2 years into their journey, they spent 3 years with that agency with no placement and very little communication. Finally, they switched agencies and while they got more communication, the homebstudy followed them and they still didn’t get a placement.
So there they are 7 years into their journey and they turn to international adoption. It takes over a year, but they are able to get a new homestudy and soon get a placement for twin girls who are 14.
Great and they are beyond happy and excited to meet their kids. They go to the home country and meet the girls and things are fine at first. But after a few days, the girls run to be with their older sister. Yes the twins are orphans, but they have an 18 year old sister. It turns out no one ever asked the girls if they want to be adopted and they don’t. My friend returns to the US heartbroken.
Apparently her story is not unusual with international adoption. It has a very high failure rate and that’s not usually something the agencies will tell you
Then there’s my brother and he adopted his ex’s son from foster care. See he was with his ex 15 years ago when my now nephew was a 1 year old. He loved the kid, but things didn’t work out with his ex and they broke up. Eventually my nephew was taken into foster care, maybe a year later. He was adopted by a seemingly nice woman. My brother was involved in the case in that at first he asked for custody when he heard his ex’s kid was in care, but then he saw how good my nephew was doing with his foster mom and changed his mind.
But he and the foster/adoptive mom actually kept the relationship going. We would see him for birthdays and holidays and even took him for a weekend here or there over the summer.
Unfortunately, my nephew developed behaviors when he hit puberty and has to be on meds for his psych illnesses. It was too much for his adoptive mom to handle. So he came back into care when he was 12.
My brother stepped up again and after my nephew was in an RTC for awhile and doing better they released him to my brother’s custody and my brother adopted him. In a way I’m happy since I’ve seen him as my nephew ever since my brother dated his mom and this formalized the relationship. Otoh, I’m sad for my nephew that he’s lost 2 moms in his life and that sucks 🙁
I also have a deadbeat cousin who abandoned 2 kids. Her first was o KY when he was a few months old. He was place with a nice family in the state she was living at the time. My grandma kept contact, so we know he’s doing great, got good SAT scores and wants to be a doctor. Unfortunately, she wasn’t kind enough to abandon her daughter that quick. She kept her for 18 months, which was long enough for her daughter to get severe RAD. Eventually, she abandoned her 18 month old by leaving her in a hotel room. Oddly, she did tell the owners to call my grandma if she didn’t return. They found the 18 month old abandoned in the hotel room and called my grandma. Grandma came, picked her up, and another cousin tool her in. TBH, I really wish they had involved CPS because the issues the baby developed were severe and they might have had more services available as well as training available. I mean they did involve the courts, but without a CPS case, it was up to them to do d and pay for services. Her extreme abandonment at a young age has made her unable to attach to anyone and she’ll never be able to. Living with RAD is scary and she threatened my cousin, her husband, and her other daughter on a regular basis.
She’s currently 17 and in an institution. She had a son at 15 after literally clawing a birth control device out of her arm after she changed her mind about having it. She refused to hold him after the birth and flat out said the only reason she got pregnant and had the baby was for the attention of being a 15 year old mom. Yes my cousin adopted the baby and he’s doing great. RAD is so preventable, but once the damage is done, it’s really hard to teach the child to attach. Early intervention is key, bit even then love is not enough. I’d anyone is interested in learning about attachment disorders, that’s actually a great book, it’s called, Love is Not Enough.
I’ve been a foster parent too and always took in placements that were going home. Thankfully none of my placements have had extreme behaviors, just normal kid ones. Yes I’ve gotten calls for little ones the SW thinks will go to adoption, but those I decline so a family wanting to adopt could do so. Fostering Vs adopting can be a different mindset. You have to remind yourself that the kids are going home.
Despite mixed results for fostering or adoption, I still think it’s beautiful and worth it and me and Dh plan to only have 1 or 2 bio kids and foster to adopt kids after that. It’s a hard road, but worth it.