(Closed) Telling a friend she’s not a bridesmaid

posted 9 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
5823 posts
Bee Keeper

This is a really sticky situation.  Basically you asked her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man before you were engaged…now you’ve had a fight, you’re engaged, and you have to uninvite her.  Normally I’d say you have to suck it up, but in this case…

She already has an idea that there’s something amiss.  She’s asked if she’s even still involved.  (I hope your Bridesmaid or Best Man was tactful in answering that!)  I would sit down face to face and tell her that the fight you had really hurt your feelings, and that while you are trying to put it behind you, you honestly haven’t yet and that you don’t feel that at this point you’d be comfortable including her in the bridal party.  Keep in mind that this would put the nail in the coffin that is your relationship!  As is always the case when uninviting a Bridesmaid or Best Man, you are closing the door on that relationship.  So keep in mind she will be hurt, probably yell at you, and probably not want to come or speak to you again.  But you can only be as nice as possible, keep a low even tone of voice, and tell her what you’re thinking.  The longer you wait, the more invested she’ll be in the planning and the more upset that she’s wasted her time.  I say do it like a band-aid: quick!

Post # 4
Member
456 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I think you need to have a major talk with her, and not so much about whether she’s a Bridesmaid or Best Man. You need to figure out where ya’ll stand. You say she "went on pretending we were the best of friends," but how do you know she’s pretending? If ya’ll agreed to put it behind you, she may honestly feel like you’ve moved on. Different people handle things differently. I have a tendency to move on from things much faster than the average person, so I can see where I could wind up in her situation and not really know what’s going on. Especially since ya’ll are obviously not communicating as well as would be ideal.

It *sounds* like she’s still trying very hard to be supportive and be there, but she’s also clearly picking up on you not being so into it. Do her a favor and let her know how you feel. But I wouldn’t just say "you’re out" until you’ve talked it through. We don’t know what was said in the fight, or why you’re not able to forget or look at her the same, so we can’t give too much advice. But I’d say we can all agree you need to talk to her, and you need to do it immediately. Good luck! i’m sorry you’re dealing with this, I know it’s tough.

Post # 5
Member
596 posts
Busy bee

I’m not trying to advocate lying but in this case, it might be an option to make the situation less awkward.  Can you say that your Fiance is one guy short and you don’t want to have an uneven bridal party, or maybe that you were guilted into adding a sister in law or cousin as a BM? 

Again, it really depends on the specifics of the situation so I don’t want to promote lying.  But it seems like your friend is aware that something is amiss and I think she would be able to read between the lines for what is really going on but your polite excuse would allow her to save face and help you guys avoid confrontation.  Hopefully, with time the ill feelings from this fight will fade and your friendship will get back to normal.

If you think this situation warrants an honest confrontation, I think I would just let her know that her friendship still means a lot to you but you were honestly very hurt by the fight and the things that she said and it’s hard for you to be super close with her right now without feeling hurt and resentful again.  Tell her that you very much would like to forgive her and work on the friendship and you think with time it will be okay but as of right now, it’s a bit much to have her in your bridal party.

Good luck!

Post # 7
Member
626 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

This truely is a difficult situation. It seems really odd that she woud suddenly decide that you were so immature.  It sounds like you have known her for an extended period of time and that she should know you well enough to not be upset by how you act. (Especially since it sounds like you weren’t doing anything wrong).

It comes down to the fact that you haven’t forgiven her and she has forgiven you.  You really need to find out why she acted that way if you want to go on living your lives as usual.  Since you have the same group of friends is it possible that one of them knows what was going on with her that night?  Maybe an outside perspective will help you understand the situation.  

 I think you shoud get some advice from your mutual friends.  Hopefully, they will shed some light on the situation.  Then you should go and talk to her.  Don’t make it about the Bridesmaid or Best Man issue.  Make it about your friendship.  If you want to remain friends you need to remedy this situation.

Good Luck

Post # 8
Member
2765 posts
Sugar bee

Had she been drinking heavily when she yelled at you at the bar?

Post # 9
Member
275 posts
Helper bee

Telling someone they are not a bm is THE WORST THING EVER. My situation was a little different than yours (there was no fight, we are good friends-I just wanted a small party, I never said she was ‘in’, she just assuned.). Anyways, I got 2 more BM’s out of it to avoid the situation.

I know that prob. doesn’t help- but you are not alone!

Post # 11
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

That does seem strange. It also sounds like maybe you two are driftig apart because she is hanging out with a new group of people now, who are changing her a bit. 

I get the impression she is very single.  If that is the case, maybe she is feeling jealous that she isn’t about to get married.  OR she is concerned or annoyed thinking you are the one who is changing, becoming more "settled down", now that you are getting married.  She wants to keep partying, you wanted to go home early.

Good luck, I’m sorry you had the fight with your friend.  If you take her out of the Bridal Party, she might blow up and not speak to you again. And she might also se through a lie, like you are goingto keep it small.  But you seem to be prepared for her to do that anyway.  Move on the best way you can.  Then enjoy your upcoming wedding. 

Post # 12
Member
89 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

I had to do it.  It was awful.  My story is long and drawn out but in the end, we stopped talking.  Her attitude and the way she was treating not only me but Mr. Wonderful as well left me with no choice.  I told her that she would not be in the wedding (and that I would have my sisters ONLY) and she flew off the handle!  I didn’t even invite her to the wedding.  It truly was the WORST!  I’m sorry for your situation, but do recommend that you face it and deal with it now.  Having her in your wedding will put you on edge the entire day.  No one needs that on their best day ever!

Good luck!

 

Post # 14
Member
6 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I was in a very similar situation… the difference is that I was previously engaged, chose this girl as my Maid/Matron of Honor, broke off the engagement, she and I had a falling out then made up, then a year later I was engaged to someone else.  I knew that she would probably expect that since I’d asked her to be my Maid/Matron of Honor previously, that she had the job this time too… only I didn’t want it to be that way.

 The way I approached it was to present to her a different task that I thought she’d be great at.  She’s very good at organization, so I asked her how she’d feel about being my day-of coordinator.  She was kind of cold about it at first, taking in the fact that she was no longer Maid/Matron of Honor, but then after thinking it over, she came around.  I still want to include her, but we’re just not as close as we were previously, and I’d rather have someone else in that Maid/Matron of Honor role.  Is there anything you could ask her to do to still be a part of the wedding, but in a lesser role?

Post # 15
Member
135 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Wedding aside you and she agreed to disagree. If now this is still bothering you and she is moving on you need to talk to her. I would suggest talking it over with her and moving from there in deciding if you want her in the bridal party.

Post # 16
Member
1481 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Does she read the Bee? Maybe you can ask someone to hint to her to read this instead of having to talk to her since she isnt being reasonable! I had this kind of situation with my sister and she never said she was sorry or anything and just acted like oh well I was the one who was mad and I should have just gotten over it! But we arent really close and I didnt ask her to be a bridesmaid…she will be invited but wont be in it. I pretty much just deal with her for my moms sake and because I know my mom is going to invite her to the bridal shower and I didnt want things to be awkward at my bridal shower so we just went to her house party and she acted like no big thing! But i dont really talk to her that much…i called her for her birthday and she called me for mine and that was it! Being Civil is the best thing….just talk to her…if she doesnt understand then thats on her…at least she doesnt live in Boston any more!

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