(Closed) Telling BF I was engaged

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1357 posts
Bumble bee

Tbh if your new man runs for the hills because of this, he is a punk! I’d hardly call a long term relationship which led to an engagement, “baggage”. WHY are you worrying about this??? Everyone has a past!!! I would bring it up, unless he specifically asks. 

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  beetruz13.
Post # 3
Member
4252 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I think you need to see where this new relationship goes before you disclose anything.  After being with someone for over 8 years and jumping in with a new guy 4 months later…I can’t help but think this is a rebound relationship…ESPECIALLY since you already feel the need to tell him about your past and that you were engaged before.  Why I say that is that I got into a rebound relationship after my first big break up and I felt the need to tell him almost everrrrrything about my past relationship.  It wasn’t fair to him because I very obviously wasn’t over the relationship.  Yet I kept on telling myself that I was over it.  My issue was I didn’t give myself NEARLY enough time to get over my first big break up.

If this relationship continues and you are still together in 6 months or so, that is when I would bring it up.  Everyone has a past and any good guy would know that and accept that.  You don’t need to tell him right away.  Just enjoy the new relationship for what it is.

Post # 4
Member
7430 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

My Darling Husband was previously engaged not too long before we started dating. He had broken up with her about 4 months prior to when we met. We fell for each other very quickly, and he told me about a month into our relationship, if I remember correctly.

He was so nervous to tell me, and suggested we go somewhere public to talk, but I insisted that we talk about whatever it was at my house. He told me his story, and finished it in his most nervous voice with “I totally understand if you’re not okay with this and if you want some time or a break.” I just took his hand and told him that I wasn’t going anywhere. It honestly didn’t phase me nearly as much as he was anticipating. Everyone has a past.

If he’s the right person for you, nothing about your past will scare him away. If you’re meant to be together, you will be together.

Post # 7
Member
9527 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Everyone has a past- it is a red flag when someone does not have some sort of a history. You don’t have to tell him yet, maybe not at all. Wait to know each other and the conversation will happen naturally. I’m sure he has a history as well although different. Why does he deserve to know? Share when you are comfortable to. If he runds he wasn’t worth your time anyway.

Your timeline sounds off. Wasn’t it only 5 months ago that you were asking if you were being emotionally abused?Take a minute to breath! You were with the other guy for so long. Don’t worry about the next guy being it. 

Post # 9
Member
4252 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

missm0392:  Well all I’m saying is relationships, especially years-long first relationships, often take time to heal.

Post # 10
Member
1357 posts
Bumble bee

missm0392:  You say you think it’s right to let him know, but why?? I don’t think you’re in the wrong for not bringing it up right now. If he wants to know of your past he’ll ask. Like I said, if he holds a PAST relationship against you, then he’s not worth being with, imo. Good luck Bee!!!

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  beetruz13.
Post # 12
Member
9527 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

missm0392:  Abuse is shocking no matter what age. I’m not saying that it was wring for you to ask a supportive website. Just saying, you just left a long relationship that had some serious issues. Take that break and breath. It is healthy to take some time, get to know yourself again. Don’t worry so much if someone judges you for having a life before him. 

No one is entitled to know your life until you are ready to share it unless it involves their own health and emotional wellbeing. Being previously engaged doesn’t go into either 

Post # 13
Member
4252 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

theatrejulia:  Yes to this.  Taking time to breathe and just…BE…is so refreshing.

In my opinion jumping back into the dating pool too early can get in the way of the healing process.  Taking a breath and truly get to know yourself as a single adult is so wonderful.

Post # 14
Member
1295 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

It sounds like the need to tell him about the engagement comes from the dysfunction of your old relationship. I was in an abusive relationship and one of the triggers was “hiding” of information or “not telling” about something. In a healthy relationship, you being previously engaged is not going to be an issue and “baggage” like in an abusive one. It took me a while to get used to people not flipping oit over sopemthing that was in my past and I obviously had no control over changing. 

If someone has an issue with your past, they are not a good match for you, it’s as simple as that. Everyone has a past, and it’s ok, your past has led to the person you are today. I would let it come up naturally in conversation. If your bf wants to be with you, your past won’t matter to him. 

Post # 15
Member
2348 posts
Buzzing bee

missm0392:  Here’s my married lady advice: First let your man know that you have something serious to talk about so he’s receptive. Start by telling your man about the negative qualities of your ex (only the negatives, no positives whatsoever) and highlighting how he (your current man) is not like the ex-guy and how much you love him for it and how much better he is.

Then explain the circumstances of your getting engaged to the last guy and how you knew it wouldn’t work out. Tell him you don’t want to put any sort of pressure on him but that you just wanted him to know that this was one tiny part of your bad past relationship. Let him know that you are only telling him all of this because you want to be completely honest about your past and that if he doesn’t want to talk about it again that’s ok too. 

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